


Wonderland

by cosmictrap



Series: The Taylor Swift Series [1]
Category: New Girl
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-18
Updated: 2018-08-02
Packaged: 2019-02-16 16:32:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 43,008
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13057854
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cosmictrap/pseuds/cosmictrap
Summary: After Jess's sudden departure from SOCALYALCON, Nick realises things are falling apart without her. While Jess tries to move on, some what successfully, Nick wants to get her back, but not without plenty of obstacles thrown in his path. (He had it too easy on the show)





	1. Of Highfives and Cupcakes

**Author's Note:**

> Ha, this is the first fic I ever wrote, so it is quite QUITE amateurish! (First published on FanFiction.Net in its entirety)
> 
> So I was quite alright with Season 6 and I am 100% happy that Jess and Nick got together, and Cece and Schmidt having a baby and stuff. Besides the fact that Sad!Jess broke my heart, I was upset at the pace with which everything picked up suddenly (pretty sure that was because of whether or not the show would be renewed and they wanted to wrap things up) as I'd been looking forward to the build up. This is my own version and I will try to stay true to the show's characters (except for the little fictionalising of Abby-Jess' relationship). Not good at light-hearted but will try, lol. Picks up right after the SOCALYALCON VI (S06E19). Also, I wish Schmidt hadn't prompted Nick and that the latter had come to the realization himself.

As Cece finished speaking to Jess for the night, her phone rang again.

Nick.

"Hey Nick," she said. She'd been expecting his call.

"Is Jess home?"

"Uh, no. No, she's not," Cece said, debating whether or not to tell him where she was, and how would she answer the following tirade of questions?

"I can't reach her. I'm worried! She left so suddenly."

Cece bit her lip, making a quick decision. "She went back to Portland. Family emergency."

"Family emergency!? Is Bob okay? And Joan?"

"Yes, don't worry, Nick. Ashley's on a vacation and Bob…. Fell ill…..?" she finished, unsurely. "Nothing serious," she added hastily. "Only needed someone to take care of him."

"Oh, okay. Well, I'll call her later then."

_I need some space from him, Cece._

"Actually, Nick, don't call her. You know how she gets when she's worried. Give her some time and I'm sure she'll call you back when she's ready." Cece hoped Nick would listen and stay put.

"Alright, thanks Cece," he sighed.

Schmidt came out of the bathroom in his 'mono and walked over to the bed, looking at Cece questioningly.

Cece shook her head. "It was Nick."

Schmidt rolled his eyes. "Nicholas. So blind," he muttered, getting into bed.

Shuffling closer to him, she asked, "What do you mean?"

"Never you mind, Cecelia… Never you mind," he mumbled. He put an arm around her, and both of the sighed contently.

"Schmidt, I know we've been married for hardly a year but what do you think about children," asked Cece slowly.

Pause.

"Thought you'd never ask," grinned Schmidt, kissing her.

...

Nick went back to the hotel room, where Reagan was waiting. "What happened? Any news about her? Is she okay?"

He nodded, sitting down next to her while she looked at him concerned, waiting for more information. "She went back to Portland. Her father fell ill, and Ashley was not home, so…" he trailed away.

"At least we know she's alright, although I don't understand why she couldn't just tell us," Reagan wondered out loud. "But then again, it is quirky little Jess," she laughed.

Nick nodded, but he knew Reagan was right. As crazy as Jess might be, she wouldn't have left without telling him why. Or maybe she had to leave in a hurry; but why didn't she at least leave a text. He had a lot of questions, and started to voice them to Reagan, who looked at him puzzled.

"You're probably overthinking this, Nick," she said, resting her hand on his shoulder.

"Maybe," he murmured.

...

It was 8:15 a.m., Saturday morning. Jess was baking away to glory in the morning, swinging to _Shake It Off.  
_

_Heartbreakers gonna break, break, break, break, break_

"Yeahh, that's right, Taylor. Preach!"

_And the fakers gonna fake, fake, fake, fake, fake_

_Baby, I'm just gonna shake, shake, shake, shake, shake_

_I shake it off, I shake it off_

"Hell, yes, I will. I will shake it off. Shake it all off. Shake. It. Off," she said, finishing the frosting of her lemon cupcake with a flourish of her hand. She chuckled to her self and proceeded to the next one.

It'd been a week since she'd been home and it turned out to be a good decision. She was staying with her Dad as he was alone and recovering from his divorce from Ashley, while visiting her mother and Abby almost everyday. She had left her phone in her sock drawer on silent mode, and the battery had probably died by now. Any important communication regarding school came to her on her email; the one she used specifically for work. She kept in touch with Cece via Skype on "Busy" mode, and everyone else she needed to talk to was right here in Portland. At home.

Her father was still asleep when she was done with baking. Leaving him a note of her whereabouts, she headed to her mother's house with a box of the lemon cupcakes.

"Abby?" she called out as she unlocked the front door and went in, and immediately she smelled something burning. She ran towards the kitchen quickly to see her sister standing over an abyssmal mound of sizzling black.

"Abby, what... what's that?"

"The alternative to coal," Abby said distressed. "I was really craving cupcakes, Jess!"

Flourishing her cupcake-box, Jess grinned. "Voila!"

Abby chuckled, "Oh you perfect little nerd!" and sat at the table with Jess. "Where's Mom?" Jess asked, opening the box and handing a cupcake to Abby.

"I think she's at her "Book Club" with some friends."

Jess laughed. " _Book club._ Ha."

 _"Getting highh... On books",_ she sang.

Abby shook her head, continuing to look at her. She was getting better, Abby could tell. It had broken her heart to see Jess so torn apart. _Nick Miller_. She snorted mentally. She knew it wasn't really his fault, but she couldn't help but harbour a certain annoyance towards him. And when she'd seen Jess last week, she was ready to rip him apart.

_Abby went to Bob's place in hurry to visit Jess, when Bob had called her frantically, explaining that Jess was home and that she didn't look very good. Her mother had encouraged Abby to go because she knew that despite all their fights, Abby would be able to handle Jess a lot better._

_Bob opened the door, worry etched on his face as Abby flew up the stairs to what used to be Jess' room. She could hear the quiet sniffles as she knocked twice before she opened the door._

_"Jess?"_

_Lying down amidst a million pillows, Jess looked up, surprised. "Abby?"_

_"Hey. Yes, I am still living with Mom and haven't taken off yet," she said, as she sat next to her cross-legged._

_Jess chuckled lowly placing her head in Abby's lap._

_"When'd you get here?" Abby asked, eying her yet unpacked suitcase, stroking her hair._

_"Half an hour ago."_

_"Jess? What happened?"_

_Sighing, amidst more tears and sobs, Jess told Abby about Nick, how she'd been his fluffer for so long and how she had fled from SOCALYALCON without telling him._

_"What kind of an idiot gets his ex-girlfriend to accompany him and his girlfriend on a trip!?" she fumed._

_"It's okay, Abby. I shouldn't have involved myself so much anyway," she muttered._

_"Yes well, he shouldn't have let you. He should've had the balls to do his own thing if he wanted this Reagan chick so bad," Abby replied._

_..._

It'd been a week, and still no word from Jess. It was driving Nick insane, and Reagan, while she was worried about Jess, failed to understand why Nick had to let it effect him so.

"Nick, I understand why you'd be worried! But you can't let it effect you so much! We've been back four days and all you do is worry about her! She's fine, she's gone to _take care of her father._ You worrying is not going to make that any better. Cece told you to wait for her to call, so you simply wait. I don't understand why you are making it so complicated!" she said, her voice raising with every sentence.

"It _is_ complicated, Reagan!"

"Oh, is it? Let me break it down for you. Her father is ill, she's taking care of him and is probably quite busy, so she'll call you when things start to look up on her end! It's that simple!"

"You wouldn't understand," Nick muttered. "You simply wouldn't understand. It's _Jess!_ She's not the kind to pull disappearing acts, Reagan! Her phone is switched off as well and she's not checking her mail either."

Reagan huffed. "She clearly wants to be left alone at this time, Nick!"

"What would _you_ know? You don't tell anyone anything about how you're feeling and don't appreciate it when people talk to you about it either! So, tell me. How. Would. You. Know."

Winston and Aly heard them fight, not the first time this week, and it ended in Nick offering a high-five in a high-pitched, not the first time this week.

"Ahh, the High Five of Peace," said Aly. "I supposed it is safe to step out now," she laughed nervously.

Winston shook his head, mysteriously saying, "Only a matter of time...


	2. Of Stupefy and Some Soup

 

It'd been two weeks since Jess had come to Portland, and she was happy. She'd had plenty of time to ponder over her relationship with Nick. She found that locking up her thoughts meant they broke out with more force, and set free more pain, so once in a while, she'd let her mind wander through possibilities and hope, and let it settle down on its own.

It still was difficult sometimes. She would cry, ruing the day she fell in love with him, questioning whether the pain was worth it and whether she should just move back to Portland for a while, and look for a job here. Then she'd tell herself that she was in Portland as a temporary recuse and that she would go back to L.A. a week before school reopened. She loved her job and her friends; she wouldn't change her way of living and let go of CeCe, Schmidt and Winston, just because she was in love with someone. She refused to let one person hold that much power over her.

Now, she lay on her old picnic blanket by Crush Pond, eyes closed. The quiet was welcoming. L.A.'s traffic din was something she used to miss in the beginning. As time passed, she started to think that the chaos in L.A. reflected the state of her mind; her exploding mind could not stand the silence that had come with Portland. Now, she felt in sync with the silence and her mind had reached a near stable state, and with that, had come acceptance.

Yes, she still loved Nick. Yes, it was Reagan and not her, making him happy. And she didn't mind that anymore… During her mind strolls, she remembered why it hadn't worked out with him, and why they were better off as friends. The love she felt for him wouldn't go away, maybe it never would. It would be like one of those songs you skip, but never delete; it'll be always be on the music player.

"Jess?" A familiar voice called.

She sat up, smiling. "Mark! Over here!"

A tall man in a Harry Potter T-shirt and khakis emerged from behind a tree and sat next to her, a novel in his hand. His brown hair caught the sunlight, gleaming red and his green eyes had a lazy look in them.

"Ice cream?"

"Yes, please!" exclaimed Jess, sitting up.

They ate their ice cream in comfortable silence, while Mark read from his book.

Mark Coulson was a childhood friend, and one of Abby's classmates. He was also Joan's neighbour, and had started to spend a lot of time in their house. He was a teacher himself, recovering from a breakup, and she found that she could talk to him easily. Both of them had a penchant for starting the strangest of conversations out of the blue.

Mark set his book aside, and turned to look at Jess, who was chomping at the last bit of her ice cream. "Hey Jess… I was thinking…" he started, waiting for her to turn to him.

"Yeah?" she asked

"… What if Sirius only died because he fell through that veil? …" he said, thoughtfully.

Jess looked at him quizzically.

"I mean Bellatrix shot red light at him. That's the stupefication spell, right?"

Jess' eyes widened. "No!"

"Yeah, I mean he fell through the veil and disappeared. So…"

Jess groaned. "Ahh! Noo, why! Gah! Stop pointing these things out to me, man! It hurts!"

"It hurts!" she sang.

Mark chuckled. "Hey, Jess?"

"What?" she said, still reeling from the revelation.

"Do you want to grab some dinner tonight?"

"Like… A date?"

"Well, yeah." Mark tilted his head, look at her carefully. "But only and ONLY if you're okay with it."

"Uhh not tonight, Mark. I promised to teach Abby some baking," she said sincerely.

"I understand if you think it's too soon," Mark said hurriedly. "You say no, and I promise there'll be no hard feelings."

"I know that, Mark. I know." Jess stared at him for a moment, and then broke into a smile. "How about sometime next week?"

…

Nick stood against the barricade on the roof, looking out at the city. The sun was setting and the sky cracked open, bleeding a million colours.

Reagan had gone on a business trip to Phoenix, which he was glad he could get out of after the disaster of the previous trip with her. _Ballerina!_ Who knew.

Jess hadn't called yet, phone still switched off. He really wanted to talk to someone about it, but he was afraid to bring it up with Reagan after her outburst last week.

Ten minutes later, he was on his way to the Jaipur Aviv.

…

"Schmidt won't be too pleased," Jess giggled as she watched her best friend rummage around the kitchen, leaving displaced items in her wake.

"I know, I know. I just want to suprise him… He's been so overworked these days," said Cece as she added something to the saucepan on the stove, and going back to the cupboard for something else.

Jess mused over how far her friend had come. The two of them had always just assumed that Jess would be the first to get married. A little sadness seeped into her smile. She was happy for her friend, but couldn't help but wonder… What next? She was used to having a plan.

_Plans._

She felt a bitter laugh creep up her throat. Lack of plans was what had made her lose faith in her relationship with Nick, and here she was, with neither Nick nor any plans.

_"Come back, wandering mi-ind.."_ she sang.

"What?" Cece asked, as she came back towards the stove with some herbs in hand.

"Nothing…" she said dismissively.

Cece quirked an eyebrow.

Not wanting to get into that at that moment, she thought of Mark. She was genuinely looking forward to her date with Mark. She nurtured some hope at the back of her mind that something real would blossom between them.

"So… I'm going on a date with Mark next week," said Jess, smiling.

Cece smiled delightedly into the laptop, while stirring the soup on the stove. "Wow! He's great, Jess! I'm happy for you!"

Jess giggled. "I'm excited too! I think it's going to go great!"

_Does that mean you're over Nick?_

Cece was burning to ask this question, but she let it go.

Jess smiled at Cece, and remarked slyly, "Spit it out, I know you want to ask me something… Actually, wait, I know what you want to ask me…"

"Well?" she asked, hesitantly.

Jess shrugged. "I still love him Cece. I know it will be difficult to move on, but I know I need to try. And well, I actually really like Mark!"

Cece smiled. "I'm glad to hear that Jess. When are you-"

She was interrupted by the doorbell. "Hold on," said Cece, turning the laptop towards the stove. "Call for me when it starts to boil."

With that, she left towards the door.

"Nick!" Cece exclaimed in surprise. "Schmidt is not home yet," she added throwing a furtive glance at the kitchen.

"Uhh, actually I was hoping to talk to you," he said sheepishly.

"Oh, okay," she said, stepping aside to let him in, already suspecting what it was he wanted to talk about.

As he settled on the couch, she was about to offer him some beer when –

"CECE! CECE IT'S BOILING! THERE'S BUBBLES… AND STUFF!"

Nick sprang off the couch immediately, looking at Cece with disbelief, confusion, a little bit of relief peppered with anger. "Is that..?"

"CECEEEE! IT'S GOING TO SPILL!"

The two of them rushed towards the kitchen at the same time.

...

"CECEEEE! IT'S GOING TO SPILL!" Jess screamed, as she watched the brick red tomato soup reaching the brim of the saucepan. "CEC-" she started to call out again when Cece appeared suddenly looking slightly out of breath, and turning off the stove.

"Cece! Phew, thank god! For a moment I was like- Wait, why do you look like that? Wh-"

And then someone appeared behind Cece, out of breath as well. "Hey, Jess."

Jess stared at the source of her interruption. "Cece?" she called out again.

Nick stared back at her. "Um, Jess. I know it's been two weeks but have you forgotten what I look like? It's Nick?"

"Cece?" Jess mumbled again.

"So Nick dropped by..." Cece said, cautiously.

"I see. Hey, Miller!" Jess said.

"Don't 'Hey, Miller' me! Where the hell have you been?! And-" Nick started, a mixture of anger and lightheadedness taking over his body. Damn, it was good to see her. He hadn't even realized the extent to which he missed her.

"My Dad was ill, Nick. I thought Cece told you that?" Jess asked, feigning innocence.

"She did. Care to tell me why you've been avoiding me?" he asked, crossing his arms.

"Pshh, what a preposterous idea! I'm not avoiding you! What gives you the idea that-"

"You've been active on Skype, I see. Regularly in touch with Cece, I suppose? I've left you so many messages!"

"Sorry, my phone's been acting out and I've had no access to my mail. Server issues, I think," she replied apologetically, while Cece looked on, impressed at her friend's newly developed lying skills.

"I left messages on Skype too," he said, narrowing his eyes at her.

"Oh? Did you? I am so sorry, Nick!" she chuckled airily. "You know how I can be sometimes."

"Jess, you never leave a message unattended. It kills you not to respond to people."

"But... Nick, you know how I can be. Tell him, Cece."

Cece laughed nervously. "Yeah, Nick. I mean it's Jess we're talking about. You know how she can be."

"Oh yeah? And how is that?" Nick was not ready to let go yet.

"Come on, Nick. You know..."

"I don't actually."

"It's me... you know. And how I can be sometimes, you know?" Jess continued, nonchalantly, but her nervousness was beginning to take over her.

"No, no. Please, do explain."

"You know... me... sometimes..." Jess trailed away. "OH! Would you listen to that? Dad's home."

"I don't hear anything, Jess."

Jess stared, and finally giving in, she sighed. "Look, I gotta go. But Nick, I promise I won't cut you off like that again, alright? I'll call you, soon."

He raised his eyebrows at her. Jess rolled her eyes, and touched her pinky finger to the screen. "Pinky promise. I'll call you by the end of tonight."

Nick nodded, as Jess blew a kiss in Cece's direction and turned her camera off. As the screen went blank, Nick felt a weight lift off his shoulders, a weight he didn't even know was there. She would talk to him tonight. And there was so much he wanted to talk to her about! He would tell her every detail of the last two weeks and -

His thoughts were interrupted by Cece clearing her throat.

"You wanted to talk to me about something?" she asked.

 


	3. Of Pinky Promises and Acceptance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was supposed to be a light-hearted fic lmao. It would seem I have drama in my blood and I just can't stop. I promise it gets light-hearted (KIND OF) as soon as Jess is back in the loft, which'll be soon. At least I'll try… turns out I have no sense of humour as opposed to a terrible one. :') Once again, sorry that it's slow. It'll pick up pace soon.

Jess stared, and finally giving in, she sighed. "Look, I gotta go. But Nick, I promise I won't cut you off like that again, alright? I'll call you, soon."

He raised his eyebrows at her. Jess rolled her eyes, and touched her pinky finger to the screen. "Pinky promise. I'll call you by the end of tonight."

Nick nodded, as Jess blew a kiss in Cece's direction and turned her camera off. As the screen went blank, Nick felt a weight lift off his shoulders, a weight he didn't even know was there. She would talk to him tonight. And there was so much he wanted to talk to her about! He would tell her every detail of the last two weeks and -

His thoughts were interrupted by Cece clearing her throat.

"You wanted to talk to me about something?" she asked.

He stared at Cece, having finally spoken to Jess he didn't really feel the need to talk to her anymore, but…

_I promise I won't cut you off like that again._

"Cece… she said that she wouldn't cut me off like that again…"

"Yes, Nick. I heard…" she said, not understanding where this was going.

"Cut _me_ off…

Cece's eyes widened, understanding the question he was not asking. "Semantics…" she said, chuckling weakly.

Nick didn't look convinced. He ran his fingers through his hair, leaning against the kitchen counter.

She sighed, and placed a hand on his shoulder, unsure of how to comfort him. "Look, Nick. I don't think you should worry so much. She is just… A lot's been going on and-"

"Wait, what? What do you mean? What's been going on?" asked Nick, truly puzzled. "Is there more aside from her father being ill?"

"Oh you know, this and that. Her Dad's divorce and…. his falling ill, of course," she added hastily, before continuing, "….and whatever her little thing with Mark is-"

"Who's Mark?" Nick asked, immediately.

"Just a childhood friend of ours. He's been helping Jess around at Portland a little bit," Cece said.

"And what… little thing?" he asked.

Cece stared at him. _Why did he care so much?_

It's nothing, _yet._ They're going on a date next week," she said slowly, starting to observe him carefully.

"Oh! That's great! I am so happy for her! How wonderful! It must be great, you know, after that fiasco with Robby and everything," he concluded enthusiastically.

"…Yeah," said Cece slowly. "Nick?"

"Yeah?"

"What did you want to talk to me about?" she asked again, knowing he had come here with something in his mind before his conversation with Jess had brought on a new tirade of questions.

"I just… miss having Jess around…"

Cece nodded, waiting for him to continue.

"How could she just block me out like that?! She didn't respond to any of my messages, at all! She is always there for me, but she just left so suddenly, without an explanation!" he said, his voice raising.

"I wanted to talk to her about so many things! Things I couldn't talk about with Reagan. Things I knew would upset Reagan. And even…" he hesitated, before continuing, " _About_ Reagan. I keep messing up, but Jess always knew how to fix it and without her around, I can't seem to stop upsetting Reagan!"

"She won't be around for you and Reagan all the time, Nick," said Cece quietly. "I know the two of you are really close friends but you can't expect her to be there every time you have a problem that needs solving. You can't be so dependent on her, and leave her with no breathing room for herself."

"I know Cece, it is just-"

"Nick, listen to me. She is her own person, and needs to live her own life. It is just not fair that you expect her to drop everything at your beck and call."

Nick let the words sink in, and the truth in them made him feel slightly nauseous. "You're right, Cece," he muttered, as he stood up to leave. "Thanks, for that. I think I needed that," he laughed mirthlessly. "I didn't necessarily _like_ that, but I sure needed that."

"Nick, I didn't mean-" Cece started.

"Oh, no no. Don't worry about it. I completely agree with you. Jess had said something on those lines as well, before SOCALYALCON."

Cece looked away, feeling a little guilty, knowing that Jess would never have noticed had CeCe not pointed it out to her.

"Well, I am going to go now," he said, heading for the door and finger gunned at Cece, forcing a grin. "Good talk!"

...

It was half past nine at night when Jess called. Nick grabbed his phone on the first ring.

"Jess!"

"Hey, Miller." He could hear the smile in her voice.

"So, how's Portland?"

"It's great, actually. This gave me the breathing room I didn't know I needed."

There it was again. _Breathing room._ Nick felt a fresh wave of guilt as he realized that he had been talking to her about Reagan all the while, never once asking how she was doing after Sam had left.

"Jess, I'm sorry we didn't talk about this before, but Sam-"

She cut him off. "I don't want to talk about it, Nick."

Nick fell silent assuming that the magnitude of her hurt was larger than he had initially assumed, which only worsened his guilt. "Well, okay."

"So, how's Reagan?"

She didn't want to talk about Sam, which would inevitably lead to why Sam had left, and his departing words. Nick would be able to see through her lies if she tried.

"Well, okay."

She could hear the trailing questions in his voice, and before he could say anything further, desperate to change the subject, she asked, "So, how's Reagan?"

Jess was merely testing waters. She wanted to see how far along she had come in terms of acceptance, if it was all in her mind or if she was genuinely alright with it.

"Reagan? Oh... Reagan."

"Nick? Is everything alright?" Jess asked, concerned.

Nick hesitated, recalling CeCe's words.

_She won't be around for you and Reagan all the time, Nick. I know the two of you are really close friends but you can't expect her to be there every time you have a problem that needs solving. You can't be so dependent on her, and leave her with no breathing room for herself._

He decided to let go of that, save it for another time, maybe. Strengthening his resolve, and putting his remaining energy into his voice, he said, "It's actually great, Jess. Just peachy. It's been a smooth ride.."

Jess smiled. "I'm glad, Nick."

She genuinely was. She waited for the twinge of jealousy, but it did not come. She mentally patted herself on the back.

"So Cece was telling me about this guy... Mark, huh?"

"Yeah, he's great. Too perfect, if you ask me," she chuckled, nervously.

It felt odd to be talking about a potential boyfriend with her ex-boyfriend. She realized she had not really spoken to Nick about anything except Reagan in the last few months.

But they talked, long past midnight until Jess announced that she was sleepy. "I think we should call it a day," she yawned.

Nick laughed quietly. "It was great talking to you, Jess."

"You too, Nick."

"G'Night, Day."

"Night, Miller."

As she put her phone away, she found Abby staring at her.

"What?" Jess asked.

Abby sighed. "I just... I'm worried for you."

Jess held her sister's hands as she sat next to her hand on the bed. "I'm fine, Abby. I think I'll be alright..."

"Don't tell me you're over him. I won't believe you," she said, narrowing her eyes.

"I still am in love with him," she agreed. "But it doesn't bother me anymore. He's happy, and I know I'll learn to move on eventually."

Abby looked at her for a moment, some what convinced, before reaching out to hug her.

"I was thinking I should come with you to L.A."

Jess looked at her in indignation. "What? Abby, no! I can take care of myself!"

"I know you can. I just... Want to be around if Nick does something that would require me to beat the shit out of him," she said casually.

"Abby!" Jess laughed. "There won't be any need of that. I told you I'm fine... We'll be fine. Besides, I have CeCe, Schmidt Winston."

"Look I don't think he'll hurt you on purpose, but he's daft sometimes. And as for CeCe, Schmidt and Winston, they're his friends too and might not always do the needful. But you... You're my sister and he is nothing to me, honestly. I promise, I _will_ do the needful," said Abby seriously.

"Wow, Abby. What, you're gonna murder him for me?" she chuckled, a little nervously.

Abby shrugged. "If need be."

"I don't think that'll be necessary," Jess laughed. "Oh Abby, I love you."

...

The next morning, Winston watched Aly speaking in hushed tones with her sister, as the two chattered away about the upcoming wedding. His mind kept wandering between the wedding and Furguson, when Aly interrupted his reverie, plopping down next to him on the couch.

"Penny for your thoughts?"

"Nah, it's nothing. I was just thinking about our wedding..."

Aly smiled.

"...and Furguson," he continued seriously.

Aly rolled her eyes. "I can't believe I'm sharing my man with a cat."

Nick sauntered into the room looking oddly happy. He headed towards the fridge and got a carton of milk out, setting it on the table.

"Hello, excuse me. Who are you?" Aly said pointedly.

Nick turned to look at her, puzzled but Winston was already starting to crack up, having understood where this was going.

"Your room used to belong to this guy, Nick Miller. So mopey, you know. It's nice to have some sunshine back in this loft," Aly said.

"Ha ha, very funny," Nick said, smiling, pouring milk into a ceramic mug.

"Is Reagan coming back today?" Aly asked.

Nick looked up at Winston, surprise writ all over his face. "What? Reagan? She's not coming back until next week."

Winston quirked a brow. "So what's the deal, man?"

Nick shrugged. "I don't know..."

"You sure about that?" Winston pressed.

"Yeah, man. It's just one of my good days."

"Are you sure?"

Nick stared at him, as he settled to eat his cereal. "Yeah, I'm sure. Why are you being weird, man?"

"Nick Miller doesn't just _have_ 'one of the good days'. What's your deal? What'd you do?"

"I didn't _do_ anything, man. I just had a good night's sleep after a long time."

"What changed?"

"Well, I spoke to Jess last night. It felt good to be able to talk to her because I was starting to get really, really worried."

Winston nodded his head slowly, looking at Aly.

_Do you see what I mean,_ he mouthed to her, eliciting a chuckle from her.

"Good, man. That's good."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just couldn't help my portrayal of Abby. I'm an older sister myself, and I'm very VERY protective of my younger sister. I was sad to see that the show didn't explore more of the Jess-Abby relationship. And yes, I am so terrible at this whole humour thing, so instead of attempting that, I'll just make sure it doesn't get TOO intense or sad (unless the moment needs it, of course.) 
> 
> Next chapter, I will be addressing the Jessica Night character as well because I found it strange how no one once brought up how strange it is that Pepperwood was so in love with Jessica Night, an obvious implication of Jess. Might even fictionalize the Chronicles a bit lol. And of course, her date with Mark. So tell me this, should Mark stick around longer and have a relationship with Jess briefly or just leave asap? I can't make up my mind, so please let me know in the review section, thankssss!


	4. Of Babies and Raisin

Nick waited at the arrivals' gate for a sign of Reagan. He spotted her in the distance in a black fitted dress with matching stilettoes, hair in a French braid. He caught her eye and smiled at her, which she graciously returned. When she reached him, he bent down to kiss her and helped get her luggage in the trunk of his beat down car.

They settled sat in the car and as Nick revved up the car, there was a shudder followed by a creak before the engine kick-started.

"You should really get a new car, you know," said Reagan, as she rested her head against the glass.

"It's good to see you too," muttered Nick.

Reagan sighed in response. "I'm sorry, I'm just exhausted," she said, reaching out to hold his hand between the seats.

They sat in silence the rest of the way.

...

Schmidt waited anxiously outside the bathroom, waiting for his wife. He heard the door click open, and his heart sank at the sight of her disappointed face.

"Oh, no..."

"I'm so sorry, Schmidt. Maybe it's too late," said Cece, biting her lower lip, teary-eyed.

He held her face between his hands, and locking his eyes with hers, said, "You are a beautiful woman, and I am an impeccable male specimen. And the world will be deprived of a blessing if we cannot bring our biracial children into it. Our time will come, Cecelia."

Cece nodded, chuckling slightly through her tears, hugging him tightly.

Parting after a few seconds, Schmidt wiped her tears away and kissed her forehead. "Well, we better get going," he said looking at the clock.

Winston and Aly were expecting the two of them for dinner, and Reagan was back as well.

...

Winston and Schmidt sat on the bar stools in the kitchen while Aly and Cece prepared the night's meal, or rather, in Schmidt's mind " _attempted_ " to prepare the meal.

"Aly, Aly. You're holding the knife all wrong!" complained Schmidt as he watched her chop the bell peppers.

"Ah, yes. I do thus, to please thee," said Aly rolling her eyes, giving him a fake curtsy.

Winston and Cece laughed, and Schmidt responded with grunt.

"Come on, Schmidt. Lighten up!" said Cece, patting her husband's arm as she placed baking tray in the oven.

"It is not like you are doing any better, Cecelia. Do you remember nothing of what I had taught you," grumbled Schmidt.

Cece merely shook her head in response, as she began to sautee onions and tomatoes. Just as she turned off the stove, her phone pinged.

_Hey Ceece. Check this out! I'm wearing this to the date. Is it too much?_

Cece smiled, and replied back. _It's perfect!_

Winston checked his watch. "Where's Nick and Reagan at? They should've been here by now."

"Probably caught up in traffic," said Aly with a shrug.

"Well, I hope they stay where they are!" said Schmidt, annoyed.

"Schmidt..!" said Cece warningly.

Winston looked at him questioningly. "I thought you liked Reagan, man!"

Schmidt sighed. "I do, I do. It's just that I don't...Jess...because of her..."

He trailed away, catching Cece's look.

"Jess? What has she got to do with anything..." asked Winston, perplexed.

Schmidt made a face, not breaking eye contact with Cece. He could see the warning in her eyes; Cece had only told him about Jess because he was her husband, and also told him that the others had no clue as to why she left; that Jess would prefer to keep it that way.

Giving in, he merely sighed. "Nothing, it's just... She gives me weird vibes, that is all," he said, adding sincerely, "And I miss having Jess around."

"Oh...Kay..." said Winston unconvinced, but Aly had observed the silent communication between Cece and Schmidt; she already suspected what it had been about, but decided not to push it. They were merely getting to know each other and she was not yet sure if she was a 'friend' yet.

The bell rang, just in time, much to Schmidt's and Cece's relief. Schmidt hurried to open the door and Winston followed. Nick entered with the luggage, followed by a tired looking Reagan.

"Heya Raisin!" grinned Winston.

Reagan laughed. "Hey, Winston."

"Reagan," said Schmidt with a curt nod in her direction.

"Schmidt."

Aly and Cece waved at them from the kitchen.

"I'll go get changed and catch up with you guys," said Reagan with a smile, as she took her suitcase from Nick and headed towards their room.

Nick removed his coat and hanging it on the side of the door, followed the guys to the table. Taking a seat at the table after grabbing a beer, he sighed.

"Long day?" asked Winston.

"Nah, just a long evening," Nick muttered.

Winston exchanged a pointed look with Aly and before they could delve further into the conversion, Reagan appeared. Hair all tied up in a knot, wearing a white tee-shirt and black shorts, she joined them at the table.

"Anything I can do to help you guys?" she asked Aly and Cece.

"No, don't worry. You just got here. We have it handled," Cece assured her.

"Sure you do," Schmidt muttered.

Aly merely shook her head in annoyance. Ten minutes later, they were sitting at the table and chatting away. Occasionally, Winston and Schmidt would throw a concerned glance at Nick, who was lost in deep thought, silently sipping his beer. They were interrupted by a ping from Cece's phone, announcing a text message. She reached for it and chuckled at the message.

"What're you laughing at?" asked Schmidt curiously.

"Oh, nothing. Jess is going out on a date with Mark today and she's kind of excited," laughed Cece, showing them the text.

Aly nodded in agreement, while Winston looked at them questioningly. "Mark? Who dat?"

"Just a childhood friend of ours. Great guy, actually. He's also a teacher and very much into craft and Harry Potter," said Cece.

"Harry Potter? What is he, like 12?" exclaimed Nick incredulously.

"Well, Jess loves that about him," shrugged Cece.

Nick frowned. "But that's-"

"Come on, man! _Everyone_ loves Harry Potter," said Schmidt, smirking in Nick's direction.

Reagan nodded in agreement, laughing, "And knowing Jess, he is probably the perfect match for her."

Nick took another swig of the beer. "Well, as long as she's happy."

...

Jess examined herself in the mirror, staring at the navy blue, strapless dress with tiny silver work at the hem of the dress.

_Was it too much?_

She got her phone out and shot a text to Cece with a picture of her in the dress. She got a response immediately. Somewhat satisfied, she returned to the examination for stray strands or loose threads.

"Jess, it's perfect," said Abby.

Abby stood behind her, fiddling with locks of her loose chocolate brown hair, before placing some tresses over her left shoulder.

"Push your assets up a little more, make 'em pop," said Abby, reaching to adjust the corset of her strapless dress.

"Ahh, Abby! Don't touch my boobs!" shrieked Jess, crossing her arms across her chest.

Abby laughed, shaking her head. "I've seen you naked!"

"So what!" retorted Jess indignantly.

"I want this to go well for you," Abby shrugged.

"Well, it's not all about the "assets", Abby," said Jess, air quoting _assets._

"It's _always_ about the assets."

"Mark is different," said Jess, smiling, reaching for her black string purse.

"You really do like him." It was a statement, not a question.

"What's not to like," said Jess, as she walked out of the bedroom door, waving a 'bye' to Abby.

Abby sat down on the bed, frowning.

_What's not to like._

What a strange response.

...

_Bellamy's_ was one of the oldest restaurants in Portland. It's pleasant, classy, yet inexpensive food attracted patrons from high school as well as from retirement homes.

Mark was already waiting for her when she arrived at the restaurant. It was the same place she had had her first date, ever. She smiled at the memory. It'd been a good date.

_Glenn Ealy_

Mark had found them a seat by a glass pane that doubled as a fountain. Water gushed down one side of the glass and white flowers dotted the other.

As she walked towards the table, Mark stood up to pull the chair for her to sit. "M'lady."

Jess sat down, laughing. "Why, thank you, good sir!"

Mark sat down as well, smiling at her. A waiter came to their table and served both of them some rosé.

Jess widened her eyes, pleasantly surprised and Mark smiled knowingly. "So what would you like to eat?"

Sipping her wine, Jess said, "Something tells me you already know," as she beckoned the waiter

Mark laughed sheepishly. "Maybe, I'm not sure."

Jess patted his hand. "Aw come on!"

Shaking his head, Mark turned to the waiter, looking nervous, and relayed their order.

He turned questioningly to Jess after he was done, who tipped her wine glass in his direction, impressed.

They sat in silence for a few moments, before Mark broke it. "Is it just me, or does this feel a little weird?"

Jess played with helm of her dress under the table. "It is... just a _little_ bit weird," she agreed. "I mean we've known each other forever."

Mark nodded. "How about we play a game? I say a word and you say the first thing that comes to your mind."

"Sounds good," said Jess, sipping some wine.

"Harry Potter."

Jess laughed. "Really? Come on, man! I get you're a fan but this is just too much!"

"I know, but some things just stay with you, you know? I can't help it!" Then smirked, adding, "Besides, I know you love Harry Potter too."

"I do, I do. But not... like..." she trailed away, and paused for a moment before continuing, "Actually, I might just know what you mean," said Jess, "The Lion King and _Dirty Dancing_ are two things that I don't think I'll ever get over."

Mark laughed. "How did you get into _Dirty Dancing_ anyway?"

"Well.." Jess began.

And just like that, the game was forgotten and conversation flowed between them seamlessly, and time was lost some where in between.

...

At 10 in the night, Mark and Jess walked back home, talking quietly, laughing once in a while.

"...and then Bucky, Nick and I fell onto the _mandap.._ " she laughed.

Mark chuckled. "It's funnier every time you tell it."

"Oh no! Have I told you this before?" she asked anxiously, pausing mid-laughter.

"Well, yes you have. And so has Cece... But honestly, it _does_ get funnier," Mark assured her.

Jess looked at him unsurely.

"No, I am serious. Besides, we've known each other for very long, Jess. Stories repeat sometimes," he smiled. "I never will understand how this Winston person thought that that would be the best way to sabotage the wedding," he added. "It is something I ask myself every time."

Jess giggled. "Ah, the guys were crazy."

Mark sighed. "Well, here we are."

They stopped in front of the little white house; the lights were still on. Jess knew that meant that she'd have to go into detail with Abby about her date.

"Here we are," said Jess. "This is my house..." said Jess slowly.

"I know, Jess,"

"...and that is yours..." continued Jess, pointing to house down the street.

"I had a good time," said Mark softly.

Jess stopped rambling. "Me too," she said, smiling.

She looked at him for a moment before reaching up to give him a peck on his lips and walked towards porch of her house. Looking over shoulder, she smiled at a sheepish looking Mark before waving a goodbye. She opened the door to Joan's house and headed upstairs to her room. Abby was there, sitting on Jess' bed and looked up questioningly from her magazine when Jess entered.

Jess smiled. "It was great. I didn't think about Nick at all, Abby."

 


	5. Of Communication Gaps and Nonchalance

Over the next few days, Reagan didn't miss Nick's adherence to an almost religious schedule to talk to Jess. She always knew it was her when Nick returned after having excused himself; he'd be smiling, looking lighter and happier when he came back to her, with a sudden piqued interest in whatever she'd been saying before.

She realized the role Jess had played in holding their relationship together was larger than she cared to admit.

Fleetingly, she wondered if she could call Jess and talk to her. Were they _there_ yet, in their friendship? Or would it be too weird? Maybe she could ask Nick about it? Or would that be weirder still? And-

Her trainwreck of thoughts were interrupted by Nick's arrival. There was something different today as he closed the door behind him, and she barely heard him grumble about someone being stupid.

Should she ask him if something was wrong?

But that's not how they worked, she mused, deciding against it. She sighed internally.

_Jess would've known what to do._

_..._

"... and then we stargazed for hours at the Crush Pond," finished Jess.

"Wow, that's sounds amazing, Jess," said Nick, smiling into the phone.

"I know right! It's been less than a week and it feels like forever..." sang Jess.

_Wow, she was singing!_

"So how's it going with Reagan?"

"Well, it's just... going. I don't know what to tell ya, Jess," shrugged Nick, settling on the couch. "Nothing new."

"Aw, that's okay. Some relationships are slow, Nick."

Nick laughed. "I know, I know. But ours sure as hell hadn't been."

_What!? Where in hell had that come from?!_

Awkward silence, broken by Jess' nervous laughter, extrapolated by Nick joining in.

"So, how's Bob?" asked Nick, desperate to change the subject.

The subject had been changed successfully, and the brief awkwardness faded. They spoke for a while about mundane things, neither getting bored, until Jess apologised and cut short their conversation, explaining Mark was coming over to help Joan and her with some baking.

"He makes the most amazing butterscotch cakes, Nick! I'll get you some when I'm back home this weekend!"

"Ha, I assure you, there's no need. Your being home is enough..." he said, adding quickly, "In the sense that you're a baking machine all by yourself and-"

Jess cut him off with laughter. "I really gotta go now, Nick. See you soon!"

Nick sighed when she hung up, heading towards his bedroom.

_Stupid Mark._

No, he was not jealous or anything, he told himself. He just missed Jess, and they spoke so infrequently as it was and now Mark was cutting into his already inadequate conversations with her. The fact that she would be home this weekend was his only comfort.

It was strange really, how he wanted to talk to her more than ever now that she wasn't around in the loft anymore. Those two weeks of radio silence from her had made him realize how much she had grown in importance to him over the years. She had undoubtedly become one of the most important people in life, and it had taken those two weeks of her absence to make his see that.

This realization took time to come to terms with; if it was anyone else, he would've just spoken to Jess about it but he could not this time. He was too afraid to talk to Schmidt about it; he knew it would reach Cece who would probably be very displeased at the news given their previous conversation on the subject of a Jessica Day. He could talk to Winston, but he was busy in his own wedding bubble and as for Reagan, she didn't like to talk about things like this. He mulled over the epiphany over and over in his head till it sank in, deciding to make it a point to talk to Jess everyday, but...

_Stupid Mark._

_..._

Jess hung up the phone and sighed, rolling over the thoughts in her head. It did feel good to talk to Nick like everything was normal, but you could always count on Nick to make things weird.

_But ours sure as hell hadn't been._

_Where had that even come from_ , Jess wondered, mildly annoyed. After taking a deep breath or two, she smiled to herself. She was overanalyzing things they way she always did; it was a casual throwback to their relationship that both of them had moved on from.

_Both_ of them, she re-emphasised in her mind, as she walked downstairs.

Bob sat on the table by himself, reading a book with utmost concentration. He looked up when Jess arrived, and frowned. "What're you doing here? I thought you were helping your mother with some baking stuff!"

"Yeah, yeah, I am," she said, heading towards the door. "I was just talking to Nick and-"

She paused mid-sentence, noticing her dad's irritated and confused expression. "What?"

"I fail to see why you still talk to that boy Jess! After everything he's done to you-"

"Dad!" exclaimed Jess. "He didn't _do_ anything to me. He's my friend, and his name is _Nick."_

Bob rolled his eyes, saying some not very nice things about Nick, beguiling him for what he'd done to his little girl. Jess mostly made annoyed noises, except to point out that he sounded just like Abby, to which he said that at least his older daughter could see the mistake she was making. The argument ended with Jess stomping her foot hard on the floor indignantly, injuring herself a little bit, and limping out of the door in a hurry with a curt farewell, muttering something about "behaving like adults" and "being mature about relationships."

...

That weekend, as she sat with the others on the living room, Reagan was feeling a sense of relief creep up at the thought of Jess coming back (anytime now). Her return would, in all likelihood, fix the strain that was starting to develop between her and Nick. She tried not to dwell too much on the fact that she couldn't diffuse the situation herself.

_This was a new relationship, and they hadn't spent enough time with each other to understand everything._

4D was rife with excitement. Everyone was lazing around in the living area and Schmidt was cooking away to glory in the kitchen while grumbling how the 4D was inadequate for a master such as himself.

"I don't understand why we couldn't just do this at Jaipur Aviv," muttered Schmidt for the hundredth time that day.

"She lives _here_ , man," replied Winston for the hundredth time the day.

"Well, we've made dinner plans for this evening, so you can prepare something for us," offered Cece.

Schmidt sighed dramatically as he set a casserole on the table. "Oh, Cece, Cece. Even _I_ can deliver miracles only once a day."

Nick smirked, his eyes on the door. "We should get a new douche jar."

"Amen to that," laughed Winston.

"I'll have so much fun with that," chuckled Aly. "He doesn't even live here but the power of douchery surpasses distance it would seem."

Schmidt rolled his eyes as the others laughed.

Reagan sat quietly, lost in thought, munching on chips. Winston looked at her from time to time, noticing her sudden lack of snarky comments. His eyes met Nick's, who was in conversation with Aly and Cece, and he gestured to Reagan with his eyes questioningly. Nick shrugged dismissively.

_Just one of those days_ , he mouthed.

Winston looked back and forth between them, about to say something, but Aly nudged him into silence.

"I know you're concerned Winston, but it's not really your business," she whispered to him.

Winston sighed, reluctantly agreeing and joined Aly, Cece and Nick in conversation.

Reagan had caught that subtle exchange and tried not to let it bother her, but she couldn't shake off Nick's nonchalance. She breathed deeply, telling herself that this was the kind of relationship they'd built for each other; they both liked and needed space to think things out once in a while. Yep, that was it.

_That was it._

Their chatter came to an abrupt halt when they heard the front door unlock. Winston was already on his feet, Aly on his heels. Nick merely stood up, his breath hitching, as Reagan looked at the door expectantly, with a small smile playing at the corner of her lips.

"HEY GUYS!" yelled Jess enthusiastically, as she walked in, dropping her bag to hug Winston and Aly.

"Ah, I see nothing has changed," remarked a familiar voice from behind Jess, and Abby walked in behind Jess, a suitcase in tow, trying very hard not to glare at Nick Miller.

 


	6. Of Stupid Mark and Abby Day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also, need y'all to know that in this version/story, only Jess has read the Pepperwood Chronicles so far, for proofreading of sorts. Not even Reagan has read it (based off her response in the SOCALYALCON) episode. I find it unbelievable that Nick's bestfriends read it but couldn't figure about the Jessica Day/Night connection. Even Reagan for that matter; she's a smart cookie - you'd think she'd figure it out (Hence, in this version, she hasn't really read Nick's book either.)

Their chatter came to an abrupt halt when they heard the front door unlock. Winston was already on his feet, Aly on his heels. Nick merely stood up, his breath hitching, as Reagan looked at the door expectantly, with a small smile playing at the corner of her lips.

"HEY GUYS!" yelled Jess enthusiastically, as she walked in, dropping her bag to hug Winston and Aly, greeting Reagan over their shoulders.

"Ah, I see nothing has changed," remarked a familiar voice from behind Jess, and Abby walked in behind Jess, a suitcase in tow, trying very hard not to glare at Nick Miller.

"Abby!" exclaimed Winston, surprised.

"Ah, so Abby has some work in L.A. Something Mom put her up to. Sorry I didn't tell you guys about that," laughed Jess nervously, "She er, wanted to surprise you all!"

_"So, back in that loft by noon today, huh?" Abby asked flippantly._

_Jess sighed. "I know where this is headed, and no, you cannot come with me Abby. I can handle myself."_

_Abby rolled her eyes. "I know you can handle yourself. I don't want Nick Miller handling you."_

_"What!? That doesn't even make sense!?" frowned Jess._

_"Of course, your English sensibilities would try to-"_

_"Abby!" groaned Jess. "That's not the point! I just-"_

_Abby held placed both her hands on Jess' shoulders and sat her down next to the suitcase she'd been packing. "I know, Jess. I just... It is hard for me to get the picture you'd been when you came last month out of my head. Even_ Dirty Dancing _hadn't cheered you up!_ "

_Jess put her head on Abby's shoulder, sighing, not wanting to think back to that day._

_"Let me just come_ with _you... For a week or two, at most," plead Abby. "I need to be sure you'll be okay. And I am sure Dad will calm down a LOT more if you let me come with you."_

_"Fine," Jess mumbled softly. Secretly, she was relieved that Abby was coming with her. It gave her a sort of confidence that she didn't know she needed._

_"I'll just tell the guys-"_

_"Oh, no no. Let it be," said Abby excitedly. "It'd be fun to surprise them."_

Cece had flown past Winston and Aly, tackling Jess into a hug. "God, I've missed you!"

Schmidt and Abby merely nodded at each other, as Winston gave her a hug and introduced her to Aly and to Reagan who had walked up to the group, smiling warmly at Jess, still being hugged by Cece.

Cece caught Abby throwing Nick dirty looks every once in a while as Nick still stood near the couch, staring, oblivious to the poison coming from Abby. Immediately, she realized why Abby was here, and could not help but smile a little. As much as Abby and Cece didn't get along, and Jess and Abby for that matter, she knew that Abby was protective of Jess. Abby's presence in the loft made her a little less worried about leaving Jess in the loft while Nick and Reagan were still there. As she tore herself away from Jess, she whispered quickly, "You sure she's here to work and not kill Nick?"

Nick couldn't help but stare at Jess. He'd seen her every once in a while on Skype of course, but seeing her in person, back in the loft made him feel like a burden had been lifted off his shoulders. She was hugging Winston and Aly, then explaining why Abby was here and as she hugged Cece, he caught the small exchange between them and wondered what caused Jess to throw a furtive glance at Abby. The more he looked, the more he could see subtle changes in her. She had lost weight and looked paler than usual. Her eyes looked tired and didn't sparkle the same way as before. He started to frown when she finally met his gaze. "Hey, Miller."

Smiling, Nick ran his fingers through his hair. "Welcome back, Jess. I missed ya," he said, adding, "We all did."

...

"Hi, Mark," she said softly into the phone at 2 a.m., curled up on the couch, staring at the TV. _Pretty Woman_ was on, and for almost an hour now, she had been watching it on mute, staring only at the colours.

"Hey, Jess," he said, sleepily. "What is it? Everything alright?"

"I'm sorry... It's just... I couldn't sleep. Just a little strange to be back, that's all."

"What do you mean? Is it Nick?" he asked, genuinely concerned.

"No, not really. I mean, I don't know. It feels like something's changed over the last few months. There's a shift in the loft dynamic and I can't quite put my finger on it," she sighed.

"You've been gone a month, Jess. It's probably just taking you some time to get used to it... Hadn't you said that Schmidt had moved out? And that Aly had moved in, and-" he hesitated for a second before adding, "-Reagan?"

"Well... Yes."

"Maybe it's just that...? Different people, different dynamic?"

"Hmm, maybe it is," said Jess, starting to smile.

"Don't worry, babe. You'll learn to adjust and adapt in a matter of time. Nothing is-"

"Unlearnable," she finished with a laugh.

Mark chuckled too, and Jess sighed. "Thank you, Mark."

"Anytime, Jess," he said sincerely. After a small pause, he asked, "So how was your day?"

Jess giggled. "It's only 2 in the morning!"

"Well, then how was yesterday?" asked Mark.

"We literally spoke about yesterday five hours ago!" exclaimed Jess, grinning.

"Okay, then I'll tell you about mine again. Maybe then I can bore my girlfriend to sleep, which I assure every human being needs."

Jess started to laugh in earnest, when the door unlocked and Nick walked in, exhausted after overworking at a shift. He paused when he saw Jess sprawled on the couch, laughing. She hadn't noticed him walk in, so he stood there staring at her laughing form. He looked at the time, and realized the only person she could possibly be talking to at this time was Mark.

He started to feel a little annoyed.

When Jess had sleepless nights, they'd watch some silly movie till Jess fell asleep on the couch and he'd carry her back to her room.

_Stupid Mark._

He wasn't really jealous, no, he just missed doing those little things with her these days, what with her having become so withdrawn these days. They still spoke of course, and even had light banter every once in a while, but she had changed. Everyone had noticed it. She was distant from everybody except maybe Abby and Cece, to some extent, but she was definitely subdued; not to a conspicuous degree, but it was evident in the small things. She was still quirky as ever and laughed a lot, but the laughter never quite met her now tired eyes. She was quieter and preferred to spend a lot of time by herself, sometimes just gazing out of the windows, or reading her books in her room rather than sprawled on the couch like she used to before. She spent at least an hour everyday speaking to Mark, during which time she would seem more at ease.

He sighed, as he quietly walked to his room, careful not to wake Reagan, and heard Abby's mild snores from Jess' room. Despite Schmidt's old room being empty, Abby had insisted that she would sleep in Jess' room and Jess had not put up much of a fight either. This meant that he couldn't even catch some late night conversations with Jess. With that, another thing that'd been bothering him came to his mind. Abby was being weird around him, not talking to him much except in curt nods. Initially he just attributed to it to her mood, but she was great with everyone else. _Even Schmidt!_ The last time he'd seen her, he'd had the impression that she actually liked him.

...

The next morning, Nick woke up and headed to the bathroom. He heard the shower running through his sleepy haze and he'd just turned the knob when-

"And _where_ do you think _you're_ going?"

He turned around to see Abby standing behind him, arms crossed, eyebrow quirked.

Rubbing his neck, he said, "Well I just woke up and I fully intend to brush my teeth."

"Then you're going to have to wait for a while, aren't you..."

Annoyance started to prick through his sleep. "What do you-"

"Seriously, Nicholas? Are you so sleepy that you can't hear the shower running?"

"I can! Of course, I can! But that's never been an-"

"That is Jess in there," said Abby, as if that explained anything. It should have, but it didn't.

"So what?" groaned Nick, "All of us walk in and out irrespective of who is the shower. The shower curtain exists for a reason!"

"My little sister... Your _ex-girlfriend_ , is in there. _Naked_ ," said Abby slowly. "I'm not letting you in there!"

"You're not _letting_ me?" asked Nick incredulously, sleep out of the window.

"Yeah. I'm not letting you," said Abby calmly.

"Okay, that's it," said Nick, throwing his arms up. "What's your problem!?"

Winston poked his head out of his room groggily. "What's going on guys?"

He was ignored of course.

"It's quite simple, actually," Abby continued. "Anyone would be able to tell, but you-"

"You got a problem with me, Abby? Then just say it! You don't like me? Then say-"

"Keep it down y'all," Winston tried again.

Abby let out a guffaw. "Ha! _Of course I don't like you!"_

Nick looked at her surprised. "What? I thought you... _Why!?_ "

"Because you broke my si-"

_Oh. OH! Abigail damn Day,_ thought Winston and retreated to his room.

"Abby!"

They were interrupted by Jess, who had just emerged from the bathroom in her soft pink robe. She stood between both of them, looking wary and perplexed.

"What's going on?"

"Your sister does not like me very much!" said Nick, accusingly.

"Ahhhaha," Jess laughed nervously. "She doesn't like anybody in general, you know-"

" _Especially_ not him," she grumbled.

"But why!? What have I ever even done to you?"

"Nothing! Nothing at all. Just my-"

"Abby..." said Jess, softly, holding her sister's arm, a silent plea.

Relenting, Abby muttered, "-just... I wanted to go to the bathroom first. That's all."

"What!? That's what this was about?" asked Nick, disbelief writ on his face, as he looked between the two sisters.

"Haha, you know Abby," laughed Jess, twirling her finger at her temple. " _Crazy!_ "

Rolling her eyes Abby pushed past them and went to Jess' room, slamming the door shut behind her.

"I thought you wanted to use the bathroom!" he called after her annoyed.

She responded with an obscenity from the room, making Jess cringe. "Abby!"

"What's her deal!?" asked Nick, turning to Jess.

Jess chuckled nervously in response. Thrice, each more nervous than the preceeding one. "You know... ahhaha..."

Nick raised his eyebrows.

"You know... _Abby_... She's just... ahhahaha." Letting the last of her laugh trail, she slinked away slowly to her bedroom, leaving Nick standing perplexed.

As he stared down the hallway, he fleetingly wondered if Jess had changed her shampoo. She didn't smell like strawberries anymore. It was a mild vanilla, butterscotch scent. He couldn't decide if he liked the old scent or new scent better... After debating for a moment, he decided he liked the old one better; it reminded him of sunlit, warm mornings in his room and waking up to-

Shaking that thought off, he sighed and headed towards the bathroom.

...

Schmidt, Aly and Winston were at Griffin's, chatting with Cece as she worked. Nick flitted in and out of their conversations, as he catered to the customers while also going back to his office every once in a while. On one of these occasions, Winston lowered his voice. "You guys will not believe what happened this morning."

Aly nodded. "Drama, drama!"

Cece nodded knowingly. "I know, Winston. Aly told me. As did Jess and Abby."

Cece, Aly, Abby and Jess had met during lunch. They had all wanted a guys-free afternoon.

Winston looked at Aly, feigning betrayal. "Aly! How could you! It was my story to tell! You done stole my thunder..."

Aly laughed, but Schmidt cut her off. "Wait, what is happening! Drama, what drama? And Cece, how could you keep such a thing from me?" he sighed dramatically.

"It never came up!" Cece said, murmuring an apology to him.

"What are you buffoons waiting for! Tell me!" said Schmidt loudly, slapping the bar top.

Winston and Aly relayed the incident to him, albeit a slightly exaggerated version in which Jess had to pull Abby and Nick off of each other.

"I don't understand it, man. Abby wasn't this protective of Jess the last time she was here. Ever since they've come back from Portland, it's like Abby won't stop hovering around Jess," mused Winston.

Cece and Schmidt exchanged a look, and once again, Aly noticed. "Okay, you guys. What is going on?" asked Aly, relenting. She did consider them her friends now, and had in fact grown quite fond of them. She wasn't insecure about their fondness for her either; she knew they liked her.

"What?" asked Schmidt.

"That... That thing you do sometimes when our conversations have Jess and Nick in the same sentence..."

"What thing?" asked Winston, curious.

"That... thing... With their eyes," pointing at both of them.

"Oh come on, you're imagining it," said Cece dismissively.

Aly quirked her brow. "I am a cop. I'm actually quite good with this kinda stuff. My job happens to depend on it..."

"Is this true?" Winston asked again.

"I- Well, we-"

"It is, isn't it!"

Cece sighed. "We want to tell you, Winston. We really do but... It's not our story or "secret" to tell."

"So it is either Nick's or Jess'?" asked Winston, narrowing his eyes.

"Good going, genius! Given that was the context of this conversation, it must've taken enormous intelligence to put _that_ together," said Schmidt, rolling his eyes.

It seemed to click into place suddenly; Jess' sudden departure to Portland from SOCALYALCON where she'd been with _Nick and Reagan_ , her cutting off from them for a while, her subdued demeanour and the perpetual exhaustion, Abby's protectiveness and even her hostility towards Nick.

"Whoa, did Nick get Jess knocked up!?"

He figured it out eventually of course, having exhausted the craziest of his guesses.

...

Reagan had observed that she didn't have to talk to Jess about Nick. With her arrival, the strain between her and Nick had already repaired itself; he'd become easier to talk to and didn't seem edgy all the time. Instead of the relief she had expected, she only grew more uneasy. They only saw each other at night now, kissed each other good night before going to sleep. At other times, Nick would be in the living room, hanging out with everyone else. She could not shake off the strange apprehension that had begun to take root in her ever since she realised that without Jess' help, she wouldn't have given a second thought to Nick; that they wouldn't have made it this far without her, because only she could tell how to diffuse every form of tension between them, and she was the one who provided a ladder to them when they needed to peek a little beyond the walls they had built around themselves. They had both agreed to not even tear that wall down, but...

As she sat on Nick's bed thinking on a Saturday morning, her eyes wandered around the room and paused on a copy of the Pepperwood Chronicles. Guilt washed over her immediately; she hadn't read it, simply because she was not much of "books person". She had time to kill anyway, she thought, looking at the clock. Besides, she wasn't sure how long her pretense of having read the book would last. And tucking the book under her arm, she headed to the living area. Preparing a cup of instant soup for herself, she sat on the couch and began to read.

A few chapters in, she stopped reading. She stared at the pages of the book, realization dawning over her. She heard Winston's door unlock as he stepped out yawning, obviously just woken from his sleep. As he mumbled a greeting to her and walked towards the kitchen. "Yo, Raisin! Whatchu doin' out here by yourself?" he asked through another yawn, as he fixed a cup of coffee for himself.

"Nothing, just reading Nick's book," she said distantly. "This Pepperwood guy is a lot like Nick," she stated.

Winston chuckled, reminiscent of the day that had started this and the student Nick had thought that was out to kill Jess. "Ha, Pepperwood _is_ Nick," he said, joining her on the couch.

"Pepperwood's love story is my favourite kind... Star-crossed, against the odds. On the edge of becoming something, but never really becoming anything... " she continued, while Winston stared at her confused, wondering where she was going with this. "Did you know his love interest is called Jessica Night?"

  


 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also wanted to clarify this part, just in case it is too confusing - Cece knew about Jess' feelings towards Nick, Winston Aly felt Reagan-Nick won't work out while slightly suspicious about Nick's feelings towards Jess and lastly, Schmidt knew of Jess' feelings and suspected the existence Nick's feelings towards Jess.


	7. Of Morning Runs and Jessica Night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Just a reminder for y'all: In this version/story, only Jess has read the Pepperwood Chronicles so far, for proofreading of sorts. Not even Reagan has read it (based off her response in the SOCALYALCON) episode. I find it unbelievable that Nick's bestfriends read it but couldn't figure about the Jessica Day/Night connection. Even Reagan for that matter; she's a smart cookie - you'd think she'd figure it out (Hence, in this version, she hasn't really read Nick's book either.)
> 
> And another reminder: Cece knew about Jess' feelings towards Nick, Winston Aly felt Reagan-Nick won't work out while slightly suspicious about Nick's feelings towards Jess and lastly, Schmidt knew of Jess' feelings and suspected the existence Nick's feelings towards Jess.

 

 

Jess woke up early on Saturday. She was going back to school on Monday, and she wanted to start warming up to the idea of getting up early. The fact that the students wouldn't come back for a couple more weeks meant she'd have a great transition period and that she would be able to take power naps in the school if need be. By the time the students came back she'd be ready.

Excited at the prospect, she walked to the living area, and realized no one was awake yet. She proceeded to the bathroom to brush her teeth and was on her way to the kitchen to grab some coffee, but... then what? Everyone was asleep so she'd have nothing to do... She paused in the hallway and contemplated going for a run, but the thought of going alone worried her. She never was particularly good at physical activities... Except maybe volleyball... What if she fainted and just lay there on the pavement for hours before somebody found her? Then she'd have to go to the hospital. Jess grimaced at the idea of one of her friends getting a call that she had fainted while jogging and needed to be picked up from the hospital.

_No, thank you._

She considered waking Abby up, but her hand involuntarily went to her hip, where she still had a scar from when Abby had kicked her in her sleepy state when Jess tried to wake her up for a weekend picnic, and she had fallen on her craft-table. Shuddering, she decided against it.

Her thoughts (or rather excuses to do nothing) were interrupted by Nick. "Mornin' Jess."

Startled, Jess looked at him. "Hey, Nick! What're you doing up so early?"

Nick shrugged. "I'm not really sure. I guess I just went to bed a lot earlier than usual, so... Here I am..."

Jess nodded, and then started to walk towards her bedroom, then paused and turned towards the kitchen. Indecisiveness was writ on her face, as she frowned and turned towards the bedroom again.

"What're you doing?" laughed Nick.

Jess shook her head. "I can't decide if I should go for a run or have some coffee..."

"You could do both, but I recommend you don't go alone because-"

"Ha! Don't I know it. Of course not, but since everyone is asleep-"

"Well, I'm here. Obviously awake," he said pointedly, deciding this was probably the only way to be with Jess without Abby hovering over them.

" _You'll_ run?" laughed Jess.

"Given how we both suck at it, why not?" chuckled Nick.

Shaking her head smiling, Jess said, "Give me a minute. I'll change into tracks."

...

Twenty minutes later, they were both sprawled on a bench in the park, breathing heavily. "Which... idiot's idea was... this?" gasped Jess.

"I believe... it was yours," said Nick, in between long breaths.

"Well if you hadn't offered to run with me, we wouldn't be here now..." said Jess indignantly, sitting up.

"Forgive me for just wanting to spend some time with you," retorted Nick.

"What? What're you talking about? We're practically at home all the time?" asked, Jess taken by surprise.

"Yeah but... It's just not the same! Abby is there _all the time._ And _why_ is Abby really here? You said she was here for Joan but she's hardly stepped out of the loft... She's almost your bodyguard or something, and why does she hate me so much! Don't say she doesn't 'cause I can _see_ she does! And I want talk to you. I miss talking to you like we used to before... before you left to Portland..."

And just like that Nick, much against his instincts which screamed Cece's warning and explanation that all the unloading suffocated her, he started to tell Jess everything. It was as if a floodgate had opened.

"You just left Jess, without any explanation or even a note! Things fell apart with Reagan as soon as you left! Like literally ten minutes later. What was that about!? I mean I wanted to fix it, but didn't know how to do it without you around. And you wouldn't talk to me, or take my calls... nothing! And honestly, if I hadn't shown up when Cece was talking to you, would you have even spoken to me before you came back here? And now that you _are_ back here, you are so different, Jess! You're so _quiet_ and _why_ do you look so tired all the time? Are you ill? Is there something you're not telling me about? School hasn't even started yet and And I... I have heard you speaking nearly every night to _Mark_ -"

"Why're you saying his name like that?" she asked, surprised at the edge in his tone.

"Is _that_ what you have caught in all the things I said?" asked Nick, thoroughly irritated.

Jess lifted her hands in a surrender-gesture. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Nick."

Nick breathed deeply. "What is going on, Jess?"

"Well Abby is, well, _Abby_ ," said Jess, trying not to fumble on her words. She really did not know how to lie about the Abby situation. What could she even say?

"As for the change, I am exhausted because Portland was... tough," she gulped. She wasn't lying, though. It'd been tough. Very. Then, placing a hand on Nick's knee, she said softly, "And I'm sorry, Nick. I'm sorry I left, but I had to. Dad's divorce with Ashley was very tough on him, and I didn't want to leave him alone. I had to give him company and-"

"Give him company? I thought he'd been sick?"

Jess nodded hastily. "Of course, of course. He was very sick. And after Ashley left, I had to take care of him. And I was singularly focused on that. As for Cece, well, I couldn't _not_ talk to her. I mean I don't remember the days she was not in my life, to be honest. Oh actually, wait, the one memory I _do_ have is not particularly a good one... this one Gretchen... or was it Britney? Anyway she had-"

"Jess..." he said, starting to look slightly amused. "Not relevant."

Shaking her head, she said, "Right, right. Not relevant. So as I was saying, I'm sorry I wasn't there Nick. But I am here now. You can talk to me..." she said, earnestly.

"I know... It's just that... I miss you, Jess," he said sincerely. "I feel like there's this space between us and I can't understand why it's there. And after you left, Reagan and I just fell apart, and the strange thing is I don't feel bothered to _do_ anything about it...It doesn't... Feel... Right, you know?" said Nick, continuing, "Something's changed, Jess. I am starting to feel like it had been... an infatuation of sorts, and it has passed." He stopped, breathing deeply, feeling lighter as he saw her listening to him intently; she didn't look like it was her duty to listen to him like Reagan did.

"What good is a relationship that I can't keep unless you're around, am I right?" he chuckled darkly. "We have _nothing_ to talk about; all she talks about is her pharmaceutical company and any talk of the bar just bores her. She's never told me that, but I can _see_ it."

"Are you happy, Nick?" asked Jess, quietly, feeling a little silly asking him that because he clearly was not.

"I... don't know, Jess."

"Figure that out, and you'll know what to do, because that's all that matters ultimately," said Jess, adding softly, "Your differences shouldn't matter as much... Having love as the only common thing is perfectly alright, and that's all you really need."

Nick looked at her, taken aback.

_I love you, more than anything._

_I love you, too. But what if that's the only thing we have in common?_

He wasn't sure if she meant what he thought she meant or if it was something she had just said to help him. What did it mean? Did it even mean anything? He stared at Jess, who looked back at him coolly, not reacting. Nick felt befuddled, and wanted to ask her what she meant, but was too afraid. What if it meant nothing? Then everything might be awkward again.

"We should go," said Jess, getting up.

"Yep."

The two of them headed back to the loft, mulling over the conversation in their heads.

...

Winston and Aly had stayed up last night, discussing the wedding and the venues, which had to be cat-friendly of course. Then they went over who to invite, and when they got to Reagan, they started to bet on how much longer Nick and Reagan would last. As soon as they lay their bet, they called it off, feeling guilty because that was not a very nice thing to bet on. Then they discussed the new revelation that was Jess' motive of running of to Portland, and Winston wondered if he should tell Nick. Once again, Aly reminded him that it wasn't their business.

"We wouldn't want to put Jess in that position, Winston. Besides, she is having a good thing going on with this Mark..." said Aly.

"You're right," Winston agreed, eyes starting to feel heavy.

"I suppose he'll be her plus one for the wedding," Aly said.

Winston chuckled. "Nick will be so pissed."

"Winston," Aly chided him through a yawn.

"No, I know he hates this Mark guy."

Aly merely shook her head and the two started to sink into sleep. As they started to doze, Winston had an idea. Maybe it was time for a Classic Winston-Cece Mess Around. He prayed that he would remember this idea the next morning.

...

Winston woke up a lot earlier than he expected. In fact, he felt proud that he did, so he decided to make something of it. He smiled at the sleeping Aly, and kissed her forehead before heading out of the room to grab some coffee; a man needed his fuel.

As he walked to the kitchen, he saw Reagan sitting on the couch in a daze, a book on her lap.

"Yo, Raisin! Whatchu doin' out here by yourself?" Winston asked through another yawn, as he fixed a cup of coffee for himself.

"Nothing, just reading Nick's book," she said distantly. "This Pepperwood guy is a lot like Nick," she stated.

Winston chuckled, reminiscent of the day that had started this and the student Nick had thought that was out to kill Jess. "Ha, Pepperwood _is_ Nick," he said, joining her on the couch.

"Pepperwood's love story is my favourite kind... Star-crossed, against the odds. On the edge of becoming something, but never really becoming anything... " she continued, while Winston stared at her confused, wondering where she was going with this. "Did you know his love interest is called Jessica Night?"

Winston stared at Reagan, brain working on overdrive, eyebrows raised. "No. I did _not_ know that. Interesting..."

"It is, isn't it?" she murmured.

"Look, Reagan, I don't know if you should read too much-"

Reagan shook her head. "I'm not. Nick might be over her, of course. But reading this, and the passion with which he loved her, I-"

"Reagan, Pepperwood is a fictional character. There might be an _element_ of truth in it, but it is fiction..." said Winston, hoping to salvage his bestfriend's relationship.

Reagan smiled a little. "Winston, you don't sound too convinced yourself."

Winston shut up and looked away.

"As I said, Nick might very well be over her," continued Reagan, "But the passion with which Pepperwood loves Jessica Night, and the love that she evokes in him... I did not even know he was capable of something like that, you know. The "affection" he shows to me doesn't come close to how Pepperwood...Nick... feels about Jessica Night... er, Jess...I'd thought... I'd thought that that was who he was; Nick Miller, walls up, always preferred it that way and did not talk about feelings. And I have realized over the last few months that that's the best I am going to get. It's not like he isn't capable of feeling something more... He just won't ever feel it for me," she finished.

"Do you want me to dump him for you?" asked Winston, seriously.

Just then, the door swung open and in came Nick and Jess, panting. They headed straight for the couch and crashed.

"Next time I suggest we go out for a run, you will tie me to chair..." panted Jess.

Nick merely groaned in response.

" _You_ two went on a run?" laughed Winston. "What a sight that must have been!"

Nick grunted. "We even paused for a half an hour break. But instead of walking back to the loft, we started jogging back half way. I don't remember whose idea that was..."

"Seeing as to how stupid it was, probably yours," said Jess, chuckling slightly.

"Ha, ha."

Winston cackled.

"I thought you were at the bar," said Reagan shiftily, the book still in her lap. Now wasn't really a good time for Nick to find out that she was reading it for the first time, but at the back of her mind, she knew that come tomorrow, it wouldn't matter anymore.

" _Now?_ I'm never at the bar at this time," said Nick, raising his head off the back of the couch to look at her.

Reagan shrugged. "You weren't in bed when I woke up. And... that's not exactly unusual nowadays, is it?"

"What's that supposed to mean?" asked Nick, irritated. He hated being spoken to cryptically.

And then, his eyes fell on the book in her lap. "Whatcha got there?" he asked, leaning forward and picking the book of her lap.

"Nothing... Just... Just re-reading... this..."

Nick sighed, recognising the book. "Right, wow. Reagan, we need to talk."

"I believe so," said Reagan, standing up and looking at Winston anxiously, who nodded encouragingly.

She walked towards Nick's bedroom. Nick put the book on the coffee table and stood up as well, and with one look at Jess, followed Reagan.

"Well, I'm going to go and um- shower before Abby wakes up," said Jess, after an awkward pause and hurried to her room to grab her robe.

After making sure Jess was out of sight, Winston found himself staring at the book on the table. Two minutes later, he was grinning as he walked back to his room, book tucked under his arm. He'd found this weekend's purpose.

 


	8. Of Showers and Caramel Pudding

 

Jess had been in the shower so long now that it was starting to get humid inside. She turned the tap to the cold side and shuddered when the hot water turned ice cold.

_I could stay in here forever._

Jess didn't want to go outside. Reagan and Nick were having issues and she really didn't want to be around. She also knew it was only a matter of time before one of them came to find her to help fix the issue but... She wasn't feeling particularly up to that right now.

_Having love as the only common thing is perfectly alright, and that's all you really need._

She shook her head at herself. What was she thinking. She hoped Nick hadn't caught on to that and that he hadn't seen what she meant.

_Even I hadn't seen it back then. I doubt he would._

She let out a mirthless laugh.

"Nope, don't go down there," she said to herself.

"But sometimes you need to let your mind free and wander," she countered (herself of course).

She sighed. "Alright! Fine, fine. Wander, oh wandering mind of mine," she said dramatically, not hearing the door click open.

Her wandering mind didn't have the chance to wander. It stopped in its tracks as it heard Nick's voice.

"Jess?"

She resisted the urge to scream. She didn't want to do this now... Maybe later, but not now.

"Miller. In case you haven't noticed, I'm taking a shower. Shower time is my alone time..." she said pointedly, washing off the remaining soap and shampoo suds.

Nick frowned. "Since when?

"Since _now,_ " huffed Jess. "Can't you just wait for me to be done?"

"Well, I did wait, but you've been in there almost an hour now, so..."

_Wow. I've been here a while, huh._

"Can you please pass my robe?"

Nick looked around and recognised the pink robe, and handed it to her hand that had stuck out from behind the shower curtain.

"Okay, what do you want?" she sighed, as she started to put on her robe.

"So Reagan and I broke up," he said softly.

She gasped, and a second later, she'd stuck her head out of the curtain. He was leaning against the stall, surprisingly calm.

"I'm so sorry, Nick!" she said.

Nick merely shrugged.

_Oh my god, he's still in shock! He's not yet processed the information. Should I do something? I should do something._

She disappeared behind the curtain for a moment, quickly wrapping her hair in a towel and tying the robe firmly around her waist, she stepped out.

She stood in front of him, concerned. "Should I go talk to her?"

Nick shook his head. "Nah, that's alright."

She touched his arm reassuringly.

_I'm going to regret this._

"Nick, let me. I'm sure I can fix it! Whatever it is."

"That's just it," laughed Nick, amused. "I know you can. I don't want you to, Jess."

Jess stared at him, perplexed. "But Nick, you like her! You guys were getting serious!"

"Look, I realized that our relationship only even happened because of you."

"Then why won't you let me-"

" _Because_ our relationship was a lie based on things you asked us to tell each other!"

Jess fell silent. "Then try it again and I won't interf-"

"We already tried, Jess," said Nick softly. "When you were in Portland."

"Oh."

"Jess she didn't even read the book I wrote and lied to me about it. _To my face. And_ did you know she used to be a ballerina? And-"

"It's okay, Nick. I get it," she cut him off, nodding.

But he continued, looking away. "And I realize now that I could never love her the way..."

Jess widened her eyes.

" ...I used to before," he finished, gulping.

He met her eyes, and she stared at him. She paused with her hand on the doorknob of her room and opened her mouth to say something, but changed her mind. She pat his shoulder awkwardly twice and went into her room.

She breathed a sigh of relief. Abby was still asleep and Jess wasn't feeling like explaining her mildly flustered state.

...

Reagan had left the room with all her things packed fifteen minutes ago. She was saying her goodbyes to everyone while Nick stared at the ceiling in his room laying on his bed, half an hour after his conversation with Jess. He needed to figure out what in the hell he was feeling before he stepped out.

_And I realize now that I could never love her the way... I loved you._

He was sure that's what he'd almost said. He knew because he'd been thinking it. It didn't surprise him though, honestly; he'd always known that he'd never be able to love anyone as whole-heartedly as he'd loved Jess.

Even Reagan had figured it out.

What surprised him is that the thought had resurfaced, and it hadn't in a long time. He sighed, telling himself that he'd simply have to find someone he could love. His only consolation in the situation was the though he'd loved her infinitely, he didn't love her anymore.

_Right?_

His thoughts were interreupted by Winston. "Hey, Nick? Reagan's leaving."

Nick sighed. "Will be out in a minute."

As Winston walked down the hallway, he pondered over the _Pepperwood Chronicles._ He hadn't read the whole thing yet of course; only bits and pieces, extracts. But that had been enough. He knew Nick's relationship with Jess had been a highly significant one, but he had only just now understood the depth of their relationship. He felt himself tear up a little as his heart ached for his friend. Reagan was in all likelihood right that Nick had moved on, but could never love that way again. But then again, if someone ever loved like that, could they even stop?

He decided to take the advice Aly had given him when he'd told her. (She was not too happy that he'd called her while on duty, but listened to him patiently anyway).

_Winston, it's none of our business. Besides, we don't know if Nick really does feel that way. Why disturb everything when Jess seems to be doing perfectly well with Mark?_

When he reached the living room area, he stood by the door, next to Aly, arm around her shoulder. Reagan was just breaking her hug with Jess, who handed her a packet of caramels. Reagan laughed softly in response and tucked them into her handbag. Abby was clad in a blue robe, and was leaning against the kitchen counter sipping coffee looking utterly disinterested; once in a while, she'd throw a wary glance at Jess. He noticed her eyes narrow as her eyes reached him when she looked at something over his shoulders.

"Well, looks like you're all pack up," came Nick's voice from behind him.

"Hey, Nick," she said, drumming her fingers on the handle of the stroller she'd just picked up. "Yeah, I guess this is it. Bye, Nick."

"Goodbye, Reagan." He reached out to shake her hand and a curt handshake later, Reagan was gone.

...

That night, the current 4D residents - Jess, Winston, Aly and Abby went to the Jaipur Aviv for dinner, which began with Schmidt complaining about how he'd missed all the drama, but something was different at the Schmidts'. Cece was smiling too much and Schmidt's eyes seemed to glaze over every once in a while. Everyone had already made some guesses as to what this was about (though some of them guessed wrongly, like Winston, who was sure that both of them were high and was trying not to feel hurt that he hadn't been invited. So what if he was a cop?!). And looking at Cece also took Winston back to last night, where he was sure he'd thought of something that involved Cece.

Finally, when Jess had come back after an unusually long conversation with Mark, Schmidt announced dessert. He went to the kitchen and brought back with him a dish filled with caramel pudding. Then he clinked his glass with a knife. "Hear ye, hea-"

"I had a great idea last night you guys," said Winston, interrupting him, slightly tipsy.

Schmidt stared at him, mildly annoyed, while Aly smacked his arm. _Be polite,_ the smack said.

"Hear ye, hear ye. On this good day, I would like to bring together-"

"Bring together? Yeah, yeah. Something like that, man," Winston agreed.

Schmidt rolled his eyes. "Just go ahead and tell us."

Winston shook his head sadly. "I... I can't, man. I can't remember."

Everyone laughed except Schmidt, who having run of patient, merely grabbed Cece's hand, before looking at everyone. "Cece and I are pregnant!"

Jess burst into tears as she hugged Cece tightly, before backing away. "Oh my god, am I hurting the baby?"

Cece laughed. "Don't be silly! I haven't gotten there yet. I'm only four weeks along!"

After an extended hug from Jess, it was Aly and Abby.

"Who would've thought it'd be you first, Parekh," grinned Abby.

"I'm happy for you man," said Nick, hugging Schmidt, while Winston was already crying, being comforted by Aly.

"Schmidtty gonn be a papa!"

Nick turned to Cece, and couldn't help but feel amazed at how things had turned out, thinking back to five years ago. His eyes darted quickly to Jess, who was talking excitedly to Abby and turned back to Cece, who was looking at him with quirked eyebrows.

"What?" he asked.

"I don't know, you tell me," replied Cece.

Nick merely shrugged. "Nothing, I mean... how things change, right?"

Cece cocked her head slightly, as she watched him throw another glance at Jess. "Not all things do, Miller. Not all things do."

"In honour of our beautiful bi-racial child, my friends, please get started on your caramel pudding!" beamed Schmidt after everyone had settled down with their congratulations.

Jess continued to sniffle every now and then, and slowly she started to feel sad (she was still happy for her friend, of course). She wondered if she'd ever become a mother. True, she was the Queen of Eggs, but it didn't look like she'd have a family of her own any time soon. That was such a depressing thought.

_No. Not now. You will be happy for your friend._

After downing a glass of pink wine, she was indeed happy for her friend.

"I'm going to be a godmother!" she giggled.

"We haven't even asked you yet," said Cece, teasingly, then added worriedly, "Jess, I think you're having too much to drink."

"Bibbidi bobbidi boo, ask me. Right now," said Jess, impatiently drumming her fingers on the table.

Jess was now officially the baby's godmother, Nick was the godfather of course while Winston and Aly lay claim to Schmidt and Cece's second child.

After having emptied another glass of pink wine, Jess stood up and called for everyone's attention. "Since we're all sharing good news, I have something to say too!"

"Mark is coming to L.A. this weekend," she squeaked and then collapsed into her chair in a fit of giggles.

"Oh!" said everyone almost at the same time, Nick's being the loudest.

"I knoww! Exciting, right. I, for one, am _so_ excited. It's going to be great," she said, smiling.

"That's great. You should totally bring him over some time!" said Cece, already excited at meeting her childhood friend (and now her bestfriend's boyfriend again). "Right, Schmidt?"

"Y-Yeah, of course," said Schmidt, who'd been observing Nick.

Nick had begun to tap his feet.

_Uh-oh. That is not a good sign. NOT. A. GOOD. SIGN._

Before Schmidt could say anything though, Nick had already spoken. "Oh, that's great! Where will he stay?" asked Nick, casually. He knew what the answer was, but one can hope... Wait, what was he even hoping!?

_Nope._

"In my room with me, of course."

"Oh! But how, Abby stays there."

Abby interjected. "That's alright. I'll just move to Schmidt's old room..." she turned to Cece and apologized sheepishly.

Nick looked incredulous. "You've known him for only a month and a half, Jess!"

"I've started _dating_ him a month and a half ago. I've known him all my life," said Jess, rolling her eyes. "We even bathed together as kids."

Shaking his head, Nick accepted defeat. "Just looking out for you."

"Right," said Schmidt. "More caramel pudding anymore?" he cut in, before anyone could say anything else.

Hours of chatting and bantering later, the gang headed to 4D, Jess curled up against Abby in the car while Winston drove, Aly next to him. Abby was sitting between Nick and Jess. She looked at him every once in a while as he stared out of the window, and caught him trying to sneak a look at Jess once in a while. A suspicion started to take root in Abby's mind, and she couldn't tell if she was happy or angry.

  


 


	9. Of Marcus and Related Epiphanies

 

 

Weekend had arrived annoyingly fast for Nick. He didn't want to meet this Mark Coulson. He didn't like the idea of a complete and total stranger just coming to his home and staying with his roomfriend across the hall.

_Roomfriend._

Nick grimaced at the thought, and what it had come to mean and felt the grimace turn into a sigh; what it _used_ to mean.

He rubbed his eyes and went out of his room towards the kitchen. Abby, Winston and Aly were probably still asleep and Jess was in the shower. As he made himself some toast and resisted the urge to grab a beer, he heard the bathroom door open. He heard familiar footsteps on the hardwood floor as Jess appeared in her soft pink bathrobe and smiled at him before going into her room.

Few minutes later, she was out in a powder blue dress, her hair up in a messy knot on the top of her head, held together by a white barrette. She walked towards the kitchen, wishing him a good morning. Nick offered her some toast before she sat down at the table and nibbled at her toast thoughtfully.

"Whatcha thinkin' about?" asked Nick, as he sat across her.

"Nothing important really. I'm picking Mark up at the airport and I'm just a little nervous about staying with Mark for the weekend."

"That's alright, Jess. I mean you've been dating for what, 4 weeks, now? Staying together is bound to make you nervous."

"Yeah, but we used to sleepover at each other's all the time! Hell, we've even bathed together-"

"Yes, you've mentioned that already," said Nick through gritted teeth, but plastered a smile on his face.

"Right, sorry. But I've known him practically all my life, so I don't know what I'm nervous about," she said.

_Am I really going to talk Jess into being comfortable with staying with Mark?_

Well, nothing wrong with that, right? That's what friends do, right?

_Right. Friends._

"Nick?"

Shaking his thoughts off, he looked at Jess, and advised her not to think too much about it. Jess should take things as they come; Mark would be here, they'd stay together for the weekend and it was alright if she was nervous. Did it matter why she was? Maybe, maybe not. Ultimately, things will work out they way they do.

_Except with our relationship, of course._

"Especially if he's as nice as you say he is, it won't be a problem," he finished. "And hey, if it gets too much you can always just stay by yourself at a hotel on the pretext of a conference," he joked.

Jess smirked, shaking her head. "I'm sure that won't be necessary. We have a lot of catching up to do, _if you know what I mean_ ," she giggled.

Nick grimaced again. "Ugh, I do. I do know what you mean. Oh god, I hadn't thought about that! Gah!"

"Aren't you overreacting a little bit? I mean, come on, we hear Winston and Aly going at it all the time," she chuckled.

He ran his hands through his hair. "I know, but I-I'm right across your room, Jess!"

Jess stopped laughing, and merely stared at him, perplexed. "So?"

Nick knew that this would end with Jess infuriated, but he went ahead anyway.

"It's _me_ , Jess! Your ex-"

Jess gasped, and held her hand up to shut him off. "Don't!" she said, and her usually soft demeanour had flown out of the window. Nick stared at her, and watched as he saw her face turn red with fury.

"Don't you dare pull that card, you hypocrite!" she exclaimed, setting her toast down.

Nick said nothing, at a loss for words, taken aback at her reaction.

_What the hell did you expect, Miller? An apology and her offering that Mark would sleep on the couch instead?_

"I _cannot_ believe you," she said angrily, looking up, hands waving exasperatedly. "You actually have a problem with that? What, and it was alright for you and Reagan to go at it while I stayed right across the hall from you?"

She paused, seemingly considering something but she let out an outraged huff before continuing.

"You think you were quiet? No, Nick. You weren't! I heard you everyday and I couldn't fall asleep! _Sound cancelling headphones didn't help!_ So you just…" she trailed away, gesticulating with her arms, as if asking a classroom of children calm down.

"That was different," he muttered, unconvinced himself and not wanting to see the point she was making.

Jess gaped at him, aghast. "How is it… Are you ser…"

She closed her eyes and breathed deeply, collecting herself. She looked straight at Nick.

"You know what, you're just going to have to deal with it. Maybe we'll be louder than you and Reagan were," she said, crossing her arms.

"Ha, fat chance of _that_. You and I both know that I was the most amazing sex you ever-"

"Screw you, Miller," she interrupted him coldly.

With that she got off the stool and walked towards the door. Putting on her shoes and grabbing her bag, she headed outside.

Nick stared after her, surprised at himself. What was he thinking, working her up like that?

_What's your problem?_

He stormed to his bedroom and lay in bed, staring at the ceiling again. The cracks in them that had become all too familiar greeted him; staring at the ceiling had become a routine now.

He heard the door open after a few moments, and sat up on his elbows. Winston stuck his head through the door. "You alright, man?"

Sighing, Nick fell back on his bed. "You heard?"

"Well, yeah. You woke us up. I didn't want to intrude, so I waited till she…"

He heard the door close as Winston walked and sat next to him. "So. You doin' alright?

"I don't know, man."

Winston nodded in understanding.

 _But_ I _know. Am I good cop, or what._

"I read your book the other day. Finished it last night, actually."

Nick sat up, surprised. "What? How did you-"

"Reagan had left it on the table the other day and I just picked it up," said Winston, shrugging.

"Oh, I see," said Nick, staring at his feet. "And?"

"I must say Nick, it's quite good. The characters are so… real. I'd say it was perfect, actually," said Winston, slowly.

"Thanks, man," said Nick, chuckling at the memory of the last time he'd given Winston a novel written by him.

"I'm disappointed though, Nick."

"What, why?"

"You said I'd be the first to read it. I am probably not even in the first 40 after SOCALYALCON," said Winston dramatically.

Nick looked sheepish. "Yeah, I'm sorry about that. I only gave it to Jess to read first, actually."

Winston put a hand over his heart, gasping theatrically. "To Jess?! Who you've known for hardly six years, over _me,_ your childhood _best friend_!?"

Despite knowing Winston was fooling around, Nick felt the need to justify himself. "Jess is an English teacher, so I just wanted her professional opinion."

Winston quirked a brow. "Uh-huh."

_Nice save, Miller. Someone's getting better at lying either to others or to the themselves._

"Why're you looking at me like that?" asked Nick, frowning.

"Like what?" asked Winston, before raising his eyebrows knowingly again, "Like this, Nick? Or like this?" He shook his head in fake-disapproval.

" _Yeah,_ like that. Cut it out! You look like you know something I don't!"

Winston snorted. "Of course, I do. I'm a cop, Nick. I know _a lot_ of things you don't. Important stuff, that helps keep this city and streets safe."

"What?" asked Nick, unable to keep up with what's happening.

Winston merely laughed, and patting Nick's shoulder, he got up and left the room.

Nearly an hour later, Nick was stepping out of the shower when Abby, just having finished her breakfast was in the hallway, heading to Schmidt's old room with her stuff packed.

"Abby," he greeted her.

"Nick," she said, as she dragged her stuff, and then paused. "Jess will be here with Mark any minute now," she said slowly.

Nick grunted. "I'm aware."

"Be nice to him Nicholas," said Abby.

"What? What makes you think I won't?!" huffed Nick.

"I heard you two in the morning," said Abby pointedly.

"What the hell, does everyone know?!"

Abby raised her brows. "I'd say Schmidt and Cece don't but I'm sure Jess has already told Cece who has already told Schmidt," said Abby, shrugging.

Exasperated, he walked into his room, leaving Abby staring after him. Her suspicions were were only proving to be correct every second. She wondered if she should tell Jess, but remembering her first week in Portland, pale, blotchy-faced, in bed, she decided not to. She had been a lot happier these days, and if Mark was ' _it'_ , Jess deserved that chance without another Nick-shaped hurdle.

…

Jess and Mark had arrived minutes after Nick's conversation with Abby. Cece, who had also gone to the airport to see Mark, came with them. Abby, Winston and Aly were sitting on the couch, while Nick was at the kitchen table sipping beer.

"Hey guys! This is Mark Coulson, fellow teacher and a childhood friend."

"Hey, Mark!" said Winston and Aly, while Abby got off the couch to give him a hug. Nick merely grunted a greeting, as he walked reluctantly towards them.

"Mark, you know Abby," said Jess, nodding at her.

"Abigail, ma'am," said Mark, grinning, nodding at her. Abby laughed and playfully smacked his shoulder.

"And you know Cece, of course… Her husband won't be able to join us today. We'll see him at lunch tomorrow… And this is Winston…"

"Ahh, yes, I've heard a lot about you Winnie the Bish, am I right?" said Mark, pointing finger guns at him.

Winston opened his mouth, delighted and looking around at everyone. "I like him already!"

"And this is his fiancee and my friend, Aly," said Jess, laughing.

"Hello, ma'am. Nice to meet you," said Mark, leaning forward to shake her hand.

Aly looked impressed, and smiled at Jess, pleasantly surprised at Mark's polite behaviour. Jess shrugged in response, grinning, delighted that everyone seemed to like Mark.

_Nick._

She sighed inwardly and turned to look at Nick warily and noticed his tapping feet.

_Oh, no._

"Nick, this is Mark. Mark, Nick," she said, trying to sound enthusiastic.

"Ah, Nicholas, in the flesh," said Mark, amused. "I've heard so much about you."

Nick quirked a brow. "Hello, Marcus. I-"

"Mark isn't short for Marcus, Nick," said Jess timidly.

"I'll call him Marcus anyway," said Nick stubbornly, looking at Jess before looking back at Mark. "Well, Marcus, I haven't heard that much about you."

"Okay," said Mark, unsurely.

"Okay," said Nick.

Jess cleared her throat, and hurriedly rushed Mark towards her room to unpack.

"That was painful to watch, man. Really painful," Winston remarked, as Nick went to his room, disgruntled.

…

Nick stayed in bed the rest of the day, except for the one time he had to go to the kitchen to get himself more beer. He regretted that as well because now, the image of Mark and Jess kissing on the couch was burnt into his brain. The more he thought about it, the more he felt uncomfortable.

_Damn, I probably need a girlfriend. All this romance around me is just…_

He left the thought incomplete; it sounded stupid. He didn't _need_ or _want_ a girlfriend.

_It's probably because they were at it in the living area. I mean, all of us sit there, and that needs to be respected._

As he mulled over it, he heard footsteps he recognised as Jess' pass by his room, he opened the door and, despite his better instincts that told him how stupid he'd sound, he told her off about making out with her boyfriend in the common living area.

She had crossed her arms, and stared at him coldly, waiting for him to finish his complaint.

"What the hell is your problem, Miller? You are pissing me off! You never had any problem with Aly and Winston making out on the couch and showed literally zero qualms in sucking Reagan's face in the "common living area". You just have to deal with it!" she finished hotly.

She was genuinely wondering what his problem was, and despite the anger, she was still slightly concerned as to why it was bothering him. Probably because he felt alone, she surmised. But for some reason, instead of voicing her concern, she decided to be angry with him. She _wanted_ to be angry at him.

Instead of answering her question, he pursed his lips and walked into his room, leaving her outraged as he closed the door behind him.

"Learn to deal with it, Miller!" she said loudly, hitting his door once, loud and hard, before he heard her walk away.

Once again, as Nick greeted his friends, The Cracks in the Ceiling, he found himself trying to answer Jess' question.

 _Okay, one simple question at a time_ , he decided.

_Does it bother you that Mark and Jess are in a relationship?_

Yes.

_Why does it bother you?_

Because I don't like Mark.

_Why not? He seems like a decent enough guy._

He seems perfect. Too perfect.

_And why is that a problem?_

Hesitation… Hesitation. I can see him give Jess everything I never could.

_Pause. Why is that a problem? You should be happy. She's your bestfriend._

Hesitation. She is… Of course, she is. I am happy for her. I just… want to be able to do that for somebody too.

_You had Reagan._

Reagan was the one who left.

_And you let her._

Shut up! Her mind was made up. She seemed to think that I would never be able to love anyone like I loved Jess.

_Was she right in thinking so?_

Hesitation. Yes. Yes, she was.

The other voice fell quiet after that. There were no more questions left to ask. Nick stared at the ceiling for a little while more before it finally sank in that he would never be able to love anyone like he loved Jess. That would mean, by simple means of deduction, that he hadn't moved on from her.

_Which means… I'm still in love with her._

His need for Jess through SOCALYALCON, his nonchalance about his breakup with Reagan, it all made sense. As the puzzle fell in place, he didn't like the picture it formed in his head. He turned his face into his pillow and let out a groan, punctuated by an 'Oh, no' and 'nope, nope', some other sounds of denial before turning back to Cracks in the Ceiling and exclaiming, "Well, shit."

…

His epiphany made it difficult to be in the same room with Mark and Jess. He would flinch even if they were holding hands. Last night, he'd found it difficult to get some sleep as he found out the hard way that Jess was right; noise-cancelling headphones were useless. Irritated, he walked to the kitchen to see that she was already there, baking.

"Good morning, Nick!" she said merrily, as she got the baking tray out of the oven.

"Whatcha baking?"

"Sheet cake!"

_Well, some good news this weekend._

He reach out to the tray, having grabbed a fork. Jess swatted at his hand. "Wait! I'm not done yet! I need to put frosting on it!"

She turned around to gather some frosting material and a pulled a reference picture from her apron. Nick recognised it as something from a Harry Potter - it was that weirdo flying metal ball that everyone chased around on broomsticks.

Nick grimaced as he realised the cake was for Mark.

_Happy news, what happy news._

"So what's the occasion?" he asked, trying to keep his voice even.

"Oh, no occasion. Just like that," she said smiling.

He frowned. "Why would you do such a thing? It's such a waste of time!"

Jess stared at him. "I do this all the time, Nick. I baked you cakes even when we weren't dating and well, I'm his girlfriend, who loves baking, so I will bake whatever and _whenever_ I please!"

"Gah!"

" _What_ has gotten into you!" she said coming closer, concerned by his bizarre behaviour.

Nick rubbed the back of his neck. "I- I just…"

In hindsight, he was thankful there had been an interruption. What sort of an idiot was he, to _tell_ her after everything they'd been through! Was he really going to tell her? Well, he'd never know because the door to Schmidt's room opened and Abby walked in yawning. "Hey, guys."

"Hey, Abby!" said Jess, still looking at Nick.

Abby looked at both of them and sighed inwardly. She realised she had interrupted something and the look on Nick's face - flustered, slightly stunned and irritated - clued her in on what it possibly could have been. She couldn't decide if it was a good thing she'd walked in or if she had stayed put in her room.

"Abby, could you please watch the oven while I do my laundry?"

"Sure, why not."

"Remember what I taught you?" asked Jess, turning her full attention to Abby now.

"Yes, Jess! Oven pings, I open it and take the tray out."

"Very good," she said, teacher-like, and headed to the washing machine in the hallway.

After she left, Abby turned to look at Nick, who was staring after Jess, his face still flustered and confused.

"What's your problem?"

Startled, he looked to find Abby across the table from him, arms crossed.

"What?"

"You _know_ what."

"I don't see how that's any of your business," muttered Nick.

Abby quirked a brow. "We're _sisters._ It sure as _hell_ is my business, Nicholas."

"It's just that Mark is-"

"Jess' boyfriend," said Abby quietly. Her demeanour had softened suddenly and she couldn't help but feel pity for him. She sat down on the stool, and looked at him before sighing. "Look, Nick, this summer has been very, very hard on her. It was awful, seeing her like that. It took me days just to get her out of bed…

_Seeing her like what? Get her out of bed? What?_

"…and Mark, he helped her. A lot. I can't see her like that again. She's happy now. Happier than she's been in a while, at least. Do you understand what I'm saying, Nick?"

Nick was frowning now, as Abby's words sank in. No, he did not understand what Abby was saying, not completely at least. He was sure he was missing something. He just knew that there'd been more to Jess' sudden departure to Portland. He went back to his room and grabbed a fresh pair of flannel and jeans. He passed Jess on his way to the bathroom and didn't say a word to her, as she stared after him, puzzled. He proceeded to have the shortest shower of his life, and soon enough, he was heading towards the door.

"Where're you going?" called Abby from the table, where she sat sipping juice.

"To have a word with Cece," he muttered, heading out the door.

  


 


	10. Of E-Books and Pepperwood's Gal Friday

 

When Nick arrived at the Jaipur Aviv, he remembered that Mark - _Marcus -_ and Jess were invited for lunch here. Last he checked, Marcus was still asleep and Jess was baking him a cake. Given how Abby was overseeing it, she might have to bake another one. And of course, there was eating the cake part too, once it had been baked.

He checked his nearly broken phone for the time - 10.30 a.m. They wouldn't be here till at least half-past eleven, he assumed. Well, he knew Cece wouldn't be too happy with his arrival this early in the morning, and even less so if Jess had already told her what'd happened in the morning.

Hesitating for only a moment, he rang the doorbell. The door opened almost immediately, and Schmidt stood there, wearing an apron, looking serious, but the hint of a smile was tugging at his lips. "Hello, Nicholas. We've been expecting you."

…

Cece had just gotten off the phone with Abby. They were comparing "notes" again - Cece, telling Schmidt about her conversation with Abby as well as her own observation and Schmidt told her about the Pepperwood Chronicles, and everything that seemed to imply to what he already suspected, while he sautéed a couple of peas and onions.

"Wait, how did _you_ get a copy? I thought Winston had snuck only one with him," asked Cece.

Schmidt smiled triumphantly, as he looked over his shoulder at her. "Technology is a beautiful thing, Cecelia. I had Winston scan the book and send it to me as a PDF."

Cece raised her brows. "And he did what you asked? Why couldn't you just borrow the book?"

"Well, Winston was too excited to share the information with me to let all that hardwork bother him. Besides, does _anyone_ read _books_ these days? What is this, the 19th century? It's all about the e-books, my woman."

Their conversation was interrupted by the doorbell, and Schmidt hurried to get the door, while Cece started to flip through a magazine, not wanting to look empty-handed.

Schmidt opened the door, and was faced with a bemused but flustered Nick, and he could see a million questions on his face.

"Hello, Nicholas. We've been expecting you."

Nick merely nodded at him and walked past him as Schmidt stepped aside to let him in.

"Kitchen," said Schmidt, and the two of them walked to the kitchen, where Cece sat at the table, pretending to read the magazine. The stove behind her was fully engaged, as different saucepans and pots spluttered merrily under Schmidt's watchful eye.

Cece looked up when the two of them walked in, and closed her magazine saying simply, "So, Abby called."

Schmidt lowered the flame on the stoves and stood by Cece, watching Nick intently. When Schmidt had opened the door expectantly, Nick had decided to just let Cece and Schmidt do the talking, but then he remembered why was here.

"Yeah, I was talking to her before I left. She said something…" he said slowly, "… about the summer being hard on Jess, and that it sucked seeing her like "that" and it had taken her days to get her out of bed?"

He paused, and caught the silent exchange between the wife and husband.

"Everybody is acting like they know something I don't, and it's pissing me the hell off!" he said crossly.

Before Schmidt and Cece could say anything, Nick added as an afterthought. "You know what, that's fine. Whatever. One step at a time. I've found that asking simple questions help get somewhere."

Schmidt raised his brows, while Cece nodded warily.

"First, tell me what Abby meant."

Cece wanted to text Jess, asking her what to do. Would it be okay to tell Nick now? Or should she just lie her way through it? Cece bit her lower lip, contemplating and then decided that it the truth wasn't hers to tell, and that Jess would do it, _if_ she ever decided to. For now, Cece focused on covering for her friend.

"Well… Jess left for Portland not just because her father was sick with er, pneumonia, and reeling from divorce, but also because…."

Cece gulped, desperately searching for words, and looked at Schmidt for help.

"… because she was pregnant and was freaking out. So she needed the company of her mother, like all pregnant woman do."

"Schmidt!" said Cece through clenched teeth, punching his arm.

"Jess is pregnant?" asked Nick, feeling slightly faint, wanting to sit down.

"Ugh, no! No, Nick, she's not," groaned Cece, putting her hand up to her forehead.

"Jess is not pregnant?" asked Nick, slowly.

"No, Nick she isn't…" said Cece, shaking her head.

" _Not anymore, she isn't!_ " said Scmidt, holding up a ladle and shaking it at Nick.

"What?" asked Nick, confused again.

"Schmidt, what're you doing?"

"Jess was pregnant and then lost the baby?" asked Nick, weakly.

"Oh my god!" exclaimed Cece, holding both her hands against her temple.

"She could've been, Nicholas, she could've been," said Schmidt dramatically, shaking his head.

"Schmidt, I don't understand anymore. What do you mean she _could've_ been?"

Cece was now eyeing both of them, thoroughly confused, trying to catch her husband's eye.

"Oh, Nicholas. Every woman ever _could_ always get pregnant," scoffed Schmidt.

"What are you even saying, man?" asked Nick, exasperated.

"All I'm saying, Nicholas is that-"

"Whoa, stop. Gah! I don't care. You're stressing me out, man!" said Nick, rubbing his eyes.

Schmidt looked triumphantly at Cece who just shook her head, partly amused, partly annoyed. Nick had caught the exchange, once again.

_Wow, it's like writing a detective novel has sharpened my senses. I'm really getting into the character._

He didn't press any further; he'd found out enough. Jess had other reasons for going to Portland and whatever those reasons were, they didn't want him to know.

_Which means of course, that I must find out._

Nick felt himself relax a little, and sensing that, the Schmidts relaxed as well. Nick walked to their fridge and pulled out a Heisler, a stock of which they kept just for him. He offered one to Schmidt, who rolled his eyes and declared that he felt insulted that Nick would even think he would partake something as lowly and cheap as wine. Shaking his head, Nick offered one to Cece, but smiled sheepishly when he remembered she wasn't supposed to drink.

"So how's the baby?"

Cece smiled a little. "Doing good."

"Cece on the other hand," said Schmidt, turning one of the burners off, "Uses the bathroom a lot more than usual because the baby won't eat any of the healthy food I make."

"Schmidt, we've gone over this! Morning sickness has nothing to do with the baby disliking food that I eat," said Cece, exasperatedly.

Schmidt merely grumbled in response as he emptied the contents of the saucepan into a casserole. Chuckling, Nick took a sip of his beer and as he chatted with them, time flew by and no one noticed until the doorbell rang. They were now sitting in the living room, Schmidt having laid out lunch on the dining table.

"I should go," said Nick, starting to head towards the backdoor.

"It's alright if you stay," said Cece, as she went to get the door.

Nick really didn't want to, but he also _kind of_ wanted to; to make certain observations. He decided at the last minute that he should just leave, and just as he turned into the kitchen -

"Nick?"

"Hey, Jess," he said turning to look around at Jess.

"Nicholas," said Mark, looking at him coolly.

"Marcus," said Nick, nodding at him. Shaking his head, Mark turned to Cece who shot an uneasy look towards Nick and Jess before introducing Mark to Schmidt.

"Where were you, I was so worried! One minute you were being all weird and strange about sheet cakes, and then you were just gone!"

His eyes flickered back to Jess, who was eyeing him with concern, waiting for an answer. And for some very strange reason, he had a terrible temptation to rile her up; and he gave in to that temptation.

"Don't worry about me. You just go and bake more sheet cakes for Marcus," he said.

Jess gaped at him. "Are you seriously still on about that?"

"Obviously, I hold a grudge against you. He didn't even ask for it, and remember what you said the last time I _asked_ you to bake me one?"

"And I still stand by what I'd said! I'm _not_ your girlfriend to just be baking you cakes on demand. It _is_ unfair. Hell, _even a girlfriend_ wouldn't actually do those things," countered Jess, hands on her hips.

Before Nick could say something else, Schmidt intervened. "The Jaipur Aviv is a peaceful home wherein grows a child now," he said, stepping between Nick and Jess. "Dinner awaits," he said.

Nick turned to leave, when Schmidt said, "You can join us, Nick."

"Nah, I gotta get home."

"Oh, why is that, Miller? Running away from an admission of wrong?" spat Jess, wondering immediately -

_Wait, what? What does that even mean?_

"Oh, please, Jessica. I always admit it if I'm wrong. But _only_ if I'm wrong," snorted Nick.

"What are those two even fighting about?" whispered Mark to Cece.

Cece shook her head. "Something about a sheet cake. Everything else is lost on me. Not to worry though, this is quite normal. We always lose track of what they're even fighting about," she said, showing Mark the way to the dining area.

As they sat down for lunch, Mark was talking to Schmidt and Cece while both Nick and Jess, sitting across from each other, would glare at each other while stabbing at their food (both mildly perplexed in their minds about what they were even fighting about). But as they ate and no one, prodded them any further, they soon began to relax.

"So, Nicholas, Jess was telling me you wrote a book," said Mark, looking at him.

"Yeah, yeah I did, Marcus. I actually managed to sell all copies," said Nick, sounding as if he himself was very surprised.

"Oh, that is so great! Who is the publisher?"

"Well, no one, really. It was about 30-35 prototype copies of handmade books. Jess helped me out with them," he said, nodding at her once. "All hail the crafting station!"

Jess laughed. "Yeah. It was hilarious. Both of us got so high on glue!"

"Oh, Jess' craft? Must've looked great!"

"It totally did, man. Who knew Jess could do something more than rainbows and unicorns?" laughed Nick.

Chuckling, Mark said, "It's too bad all the copies got sold out. I would've loved to see it!"

"I have a copy. I'll show it to you when we get back home," said Jess, smiling at Mark.

"So does Winston," mumbled Schmidt. "But _I_ have an e-book. You should see the e-book."

No one heard him of course.

Nick looked at Jess, eyebrows raised. "You have a copy?"

Looking extremely uncomfortable, Jess said, too quickly, "It was a sample. Obviously, like a fair draft. I couldn't've perfected the look on my first try, could I?"

Nick couldn't help but notice that her eyes were glued to the floor, and that her hand had gone up to play with the loose strands framing her face.

_She was lying._

"So what's the book about?" asked Mark, noticing nothing.

Shooting a glance at Jess, he said, "It's about a man who has nothing, who risks everything to feel something."

Jess stared at him and when he caught her eyes, he didn't look away and stared back at her coolly instead. And Jess saw a flicker of something in his eyes that she hadn't seen in a long time, and it made her feel a little jittery.

Mark raised his eyebrows. "That sounds… interesting."

"It totally is," Schmidt cut in. "It's based on real life people."

"How did you-"

"E-books, you caveman. E-books! Winston e-mailed it to me," said Schmidt curtly, then mumbled, "If you only listened to me once in a while, you'd know."

"Oh, wow. Who is it about?"

"Oh yes, Nicholas. Do tell," said Schmidt, very interested, looking at Nick goadingly.

Nick shot him an annoyed look. Winston had sent a copy to Schmidt; Nick knew what this was about, and looked at Cece for help, but she was staring at her hands in her lap, not looking up. He looked nervously at Jess, saying, "There's this private investigator, Pepperwood and his gal… Friday…"

Schmidt widened his eyes, impressed.

_Nice save. Punctuation was indeed everything._

And Jess raised her brows, wondering if she was reading too much into what was happening. Was it a purposeful lapse between 'gal' and 'Friday' or was that just Nick being Nick? If it was the former, what was the problem with spelling out her name.

_Ugh, I am definitely reading too much into this._

"…who work on cases together but have this unresolved, undeclared _thing_ going on between them, but Pepperwood… he blew it. Sometimes, y-you don't get another chance to fix the mistake," finished Nick, shrugging.

Jess looked at him, and he stared back unblinkingly, while Schmidt and Cece looked stunned; they hadn't expected Nick to get so open. One look at Jess, and they both knew that she'd understood, or at least they hoped she did. Meanwhile, Mark, completely oblivious to the silent messages running across the table between all of them, commended Nick's story, who just nodded once in response, eyes not leaving Jess'.

Jess broke eye contact first, and stared at her lap before inhaling deeply.

_Don't think too much about what he's saying. He was talking about his characters, and that's that. Ugh, stupid Jess. Not everything is about you!_

She looked up again, forcing a smile. "That's quite a nice way to put it, Nick."

"It is, isn't it?" asked Schmidt, smirking. Placing his elbow on the table and his temple resting on his closed wrist, Schmidt looked at Nick.

…

After lunch, they drove back to the loft in Jess' car. Jess was at the wheel, while Mark was riding shotgun. Nick sat at the back, his eyes flickering over every once in a while to Mark's hand resting on Jess' thigh. He felt a pang of envy as it was evident that this was a habit and that it was quite an unconscious, natural gesture. Sighing, he rested his head against the window pane and looked at the slowly moving traffic.

"Why is everyone so quiet?" Jess wondered out loud, nervously, to avoid thinking of whatever had that had transpired during lunch. Besides, the painfully slow traffic was doing nothing to calm her nerves.

"Because Jessica, sometimes people prefer to stay quiet with their own thought," said Nick, continuing to stare outside.

Jess looked at him in the rearview mirror, looking outside dejectedly.

_What has gotten into him lately? I thought his breakup with Reagan didn't bother him that much. Is there something else bothering him? Should I bother to find out?_

Nick watched Jess' face from the corner of his eye and realised that tirade of questions was about to come. Questions he didn't especially want to get into with Mark - _Marcus -_ around.

"Cece tells me you've known Jess since her childhood," said Nick hastily, looking at Mark.

Mark nodded, giving him a small smile. "Yeah, we were… _are_ … neighbours. We only became friends after I had once wrestled Jess to the ground."

Nick's eyes widened questioningly., and Jess groaned. "Nooo! Not that story again!"

Mark turned to look at Nick, smirking. "So I was walking home once when I saw a van stop by Jess, and man asked her if she wanted some candy…."

Jess merely grunted.

"… and this 8-year-old nut said that she _did_ want candy. The sidedoor opened and it turns out that the dude's granny had made too many so he was just going around distributing all that extra candy. So as she was about to eat her first one, I jumped at her and snatched it from her because well, strangers, dude! And boy, did we fight. She clawed at my face like a feline!"

"Jess! What the hell?! That's literally the first thing they teach at school!" exclaimed Nick. "Don't accept any candy from strangers!"

"Ugh! Not all people are terrible Nick. We've talked about this!"

"Right, like Remy?" snickered Nick, while Jess turned a beet red.

Mark looked at Jess questioningly, and she simply shook her head.

Nick continued laughing. "So, to prove her point, that not all people have bad intentions, she was ready to have a threesome with our landlord and me."

Mark's brows practically shot out of his head, while Jess exclaimed annoyedly. "Nick!"

"Jess!" said Nick, mimicking her tone.

Jess rolled her eyes, and the car came to a halt in the traffic. And Jess groaned, resting her head on the steering wheel for a moment, as a sea of vehicles came to a stop in front of them.

"Gah! I miss Portland at times like these!" she exclaimed, looking at Mark indignantly.

Mark nodded in agreement. "Of course, you do. In all the time I've known you, you hardly ever stepped out of your house," he laughed.

And then, it clicked. Nick saw a window of opportunity, nay, a French window.

Nick forced a laugh and said, "Ha, yes. Abby'd mentioned that it took a week to even get you out of bed during the summer. Extreme vacationing, huh?"

He observed that Jess' hands had tightened around the wheels, knuckles whitening, while Mark looked at her unsurely and then back at Nick. And for a fleeting second, Nick wondered if he had imagined the nearly imperceptible shaking of Jess' head. But then, he saw Marcus pat her thigh reassuringly, and he knew he hadn't imagined it.

One could say that it was at this point the Nicholas Miller lost it. The traffic began to finally move simultaneously.

Jess heard Nick's exhale before he began to yell.

"Okay, that's it. I want to know what's going on."

"What're you talking about, Nick?" asked Jess nervously.

"I saw that," said Nick, pointing at both of them alternately. "I saw what you both did with that… with that subtle head shaking and thigh patting and what not…"

"Nick! What're you even saying?" said Jess, trying to sound perplexed.

"Jess, you know what I mean. I can see it in your face, that you know."

"You can see it in my face, Nick? Can you really? Is that even a thing? Like- Seeing things in people's faces that are not their eyes and nose and-" rambled Jess, trying to make light of the whole thing.

"Jess!" Nick cut her off. "And yes, I can tell. Come on, Marcus, can't you tell she's lying?" he asked, looking at Mark for support, who merely looked sheepish and mildly uncomfortable.

"Oh, come on!" said Nick, rolling his eyes.

Jess tried to smile at Mark, but Nick exclaimed. "And there it is, again!"

"What?" asked Jess.

"That smile of yours, Jess! That little 'thank you' smile of yours!"

Jess said nothing, while Mark decided to observe and see where this was going. If Jess would tell Nick the truth; because she was with him now, so should the past matter anymore?

"Jess, you've been lying about something since the _day_ you went to Portland," sighed Nick.

"I-I… No! What proof do you have!"

"The fact that you're staring down at your shoes while saying that just proves my point!" he said angrily.

He turned to Marcus. "Marcus, Bob was down with what, the stomach flu, was it?"

Mark nodded. "It's true, man. He had it so bad. He had to live on vegetables for almost two weeks," he bluffed.

Nick's eyes narrowed in annoyance. "A-ha! More lies. Cece told me that it was pneumonia!"

"It was stomach flu _and_ pneumonia, Nick," said Jess, eyes still down.

"Dammit, Jess! At least _try_ to lie better! Why won't you tell me the truth!"

"Hey man, lay off of her," warned Mark.

"Shut up, Marcus!"

"Nick! Don't talk to him like that!"

Nick ignored her remark. "It is unbelievable how everyone is lying their asses off! It's driving me insane! Schmidt told me you left because you were pregnant, and I was freaking out, woman…."

Jess squeaked, while Mark let out a snort, bemused and mildly irritated.

Nick continued. "…That's how far he went! Without even thinking that I _might_ just notice in a few months that there isn't a freakin' baby in you!"

Jess began to laugh, but Nick was in no mood. He had to know what was going on, and not knowing was driving him crazy.

"Jess. _What was Abby talking about?_ "

"How should I know? Ask Abby," said Jess, trying to sound nonchalant but instead her voice cracked with her nervousness.

Nick ran his fingers through his hair, frustrated, while Mark watched both of them with a mildly dazed face.

"Jess. It's killing me, not knowing," said Nick finally. "Why did you leave for Portland so suddenly? What did Abby mean when she said hat it was awful seeing you like that? Why won't you _talk_ to me anymore, Jess? Wh-"

"STOP IT, NICK!" yelled Jess. "Stop asking so many questions! Why do those things matter anyway?"

Their apartment had arrived.

"I used to ask too many questions, Nick," she said softly, adding bitterly, "And look what it did to us."

  


 


	11. Of Oomphs and Dudes

"I used to ask too many questions, Nick," she said softly, adding bitterly, "And look what it did to us."

"Jess-"

"Oh, we're here!" she said, suddenly overly enthusiastic, noticing for the first time that they'd reached their apartment.

When no one moved, she honked. "Get down you two. We live here, remember?"

Looking unsure, both Nick and Mark got down and stepped on the pavement and waited for Jess. But the second they left the car, Jess had revved her engine and driven away, taking only a moment to peep out of her window to yell, "I need some things from the grocery store!"

Mark and Nick stared after her car, perplexed.

"Get me a burrito!" yelled Nick after her, casually wondering if she'd heard him, then looked at Mark and added, "Must be for some more baking."

Mark nodded in agreement and the two of them headed upstairs.

…

Jess did not know where she was going. She just kept driving, trying to calm herself down.

_Why am I so agitated?_

She wished she would stop fighting with Nick. There always seemed to be a peculiar undertone to their fight, or at least she thought so. So much thinking and overanalysing was tiring her out. She was afraid of spiralling back into the pre-Portland phase; she had come so far, and she felt ready to move on.

What was perplexing was that before she'd gone to Portland, her and Nick weren't fighting at all. No arguments whatsoever.

_Everything seemed perfectly fine. Where is this sudden aggression coming from?_

She worried that something was wrong with him, that something was bothering him and Nick being Nick, didn't want to talk about it and let it out the only way he knew how.

And the biggest issue at hand, she realised, was that all the fighting they'd been doing was stirring dormant feelings. She could feel the fire in her belly when they were arguing pointlessly.

_What were we even fighting about during lunch?_

It was making her feel things she didn't want to feel anymore. It reminded her of the spark and the passion between them, of the days when they were angry at each other all the time because they couldn't act upon their sexual tension. With that, her mind went to the dark place she avoided; the only place she didn't allow her mind to go.

_What if I never find passion like that again?_

She sighed inwardly as she turned her car around to head back home. The fighting had to stop.

…

When Jess reached home, Nick was in the living area watching TV. The immediate tension in his body was a dead giveaway of the fact that he knew who had walked in, but apart from that he gave no other indication.

Jess stood there for a moment, debating whether or not to approach him. But the thought of fighting with him gave her goosebumps, so deciding against it she started to tiptoe quietly to her bedroom.

…

When Nick heard Jess come in, he decided not to acknowledge her, but couldn't help but tense. After a few awkwardly silent seconds, he turned around suddenly and said, "So did you get me a burrito?"

Jess froze, and looked like a deer caught in headlights. A 'huh' was all she managed to squeak in response.

"You said you were going to the grocery store?" asked Nick, noting the complete absence of shopping bags.

Eyes widening in realization, Jess composed herself and looked at him pointedly. "Yes. Yes, I did. But why would I get you a burrito?" she asked perplexed.

Nick waved his hands. "Nah, I had yelled after you as you drove away but you probably didn't hear me, but I'd hoped you did."

"Oh. Sorry." she said quietly.

_Please let this end now. I just know this is going to turn into a fight if this goes any further._

Nick nodded, and continued to look at her. "So what'd you get at the grocery store?"

Her head shot up. "Well, nothing. Didn't find any of the things I wanted."

"Right."

He watched her head to her room, and before his brain could catch up with his mouth and made him _not_ say what he was about to, he asked, "You didn't answer me."

She whipped around to stare at him. "I did, Nick. Were you not listening. I didn't find anything I wanted at the grocery store."

Nick shook his head. "Not that. What did Abby mean? Were-"

"Nick, no," warned Jess.

Nick stood up and turned to look at her. "Nick, yes," he said stubbornly. "Jess, come on."

"No. No, no, no," she said stubbornly, her voice rising. "Just stop. Why are you asking me so many questions?! I am here now. Why won't you just take that?"

And there it was. That anger had resurfaced.

"Because I _know_ there is something, Jess!"

"No, there isn't Nick. I went home to take care of my Dad, because he was sick-"

"Stomach flu or pneumonia? I forgot which it was…"

"It doesn't matter, Nick! It does not matter! It's no good worrying about things that don't matter!" spluttered Jess, on the verge of tears.

"It matters to me, Jess. Something is not right with-"

Three doors had flown open, and Mark, Abby, Winston and Aly stood outside their doors, staring at the two of them arguing in the hallway. They exchanged looks, debating whether or not to intervene.

"NO!" exploded Jess, seething at him. "YOU _THINK_ IT MATTERS RIGHT NOW, NICK. A LOT OF THINGS SEEM TO MATTER, WHEN THEY ACTUALLY DON'T!" Her voice grew into a whisper, and Nick barely heard it, but he did, as she continued, "Like white picket fences, children's names, an-and houses by the lake or like, living on _Mars._ "

_"_ What? Are you saying-"

"I'm saying, Nick, _drop it._ It doesn't matter anymore."

With that, she walked past him and into her room, while after looking at Nick meaningfully, Mark followed her, closing the door behind him.

…

"Nick-"

"Winston, I don't want to talk right now."

Abby cut in. "Hell yes, you will. What was going on? I already told you to go easy on her and-"

"Ugh. Shut up, Abby!" groaned Nick.

"Excuse me?"

"This is all your fault!" Nick muttered.

Winston turned to look at Abby who responded to Nick with another, more emphatic 'excuse me'.

"If you hadn't told me Jess was in bed for a week and all those things, none of this would've happened."

Abby widened her eyes. "I told you that so you'd cut her some slack, and you do the opposite?"

Nick just shook his head, not ready for another argument and just went back to his room.

…

Jess sat down on her bed and stared at her hands. She felt the bed dip as Mark sat next to her. She turned her face towards him and tilted her face upwards for a kiss. He kissed her as he sat down, and deepened their kiss. She threw her arms around his neck and they kissed, before breaking apart. They looked into each other's eyes, before backing away and just sitting next to each other.

"This isn't working out, is it?" asked Mark, softly.

Jess looked at him, slightly startled. "What?"

"I just…. I don't feel the…."

"Oomph?" said Jess, smiling softly.

"Yeah," said Mark. "Exactly. I mean when I see you and Nick-"

Jess stood up. "No. No, no, no."

"What?" asked Mark, looking at her in confusion.

"The absence of 'oomph' is not because of Nick, okay? Nick has nothing to do with this. Nu-uh."

Mark sighed. He knew that furthering this conversation could lead to nowhere good, so he simply said, "Look, Jess, I just… We don't have any passion between us."

Jess stared at him. "And you're realising this only now?"

"No, no. I kind of thought that you were _done_ with all of that, that you were looking for a more… _mellow_ relationship. But taking into consideration whatever that has happened over this weekend, I don't think anymore that that's what you want…" he said.

Jess grunted, and fell back on her bed, staring at the ceiling. "I understand, and I think you're right. No, I _know_ you're right."

He hesitated for a moment before adding, "… and I realised that _I_ don't want that either. I want what you and Nick have…"

"Believe me, you don't," muttered Jess, looking at him angrily.

Mark lay next to her as well, looking at the ceiling. "The passion, Jess. I do want that, you know?"

Jess turned to look at him. "I understand. But believe me when I tell you, that passion burns like a bitch."

Mark nodded solemnly. "I know."

"And just so we're clear, this is _not_ about Nick. This has nothing to do with him whatsoever. We're ending things only because there's no oomph, and that's all there is to it."

Mark remained silent for a moment, debating whether or not to contest her. But remembering Jess' initial weeks in Portland, he decided against it. "Whatever you say."

She hugged him and sighed. "I love you, dude."

He chuckled. "Dude? Really?"

"Yeah, I _do_ love you, you know, just not _that_ way, I suppose. And saying 'dude' makes it so much more platonic."

"Well. Love you too, _dude._ "

…

Mark left for Portland that evening. Jess told no one about their break up; she did not feel very much like answering the tirade of questions that were sure to follow. It had been a painful day, all in all because she had genuinely thought she'd be able to move on, that she'd fall in love with Mark, and that she'd be able to laugh off her relationship with Nick as a painful phase and nothing more. Now here she was, back to square one.

As she dropped Mark off at the airport and drove back home, she decided to take a detour. She would buy herself a bottle of pink wine and then head home and watch _Dirty Dancing._

She parked her car at the apartment, wine in hand. Looking up at the apartment, she sighed.

_This car is nice._

She wanted to bask in the quiet of the car for sometime. She was in no mood to have any sort of conversations with anybody. Turning on the music, she played the playlist she liked to call the 'sad-sing-along' track. She pushed the back her seat to it's lowest and lay down, staring at the roof of the car, and sang along to the tunes of Taylor Swift.

_This is all Sam's fault._

She thought grumpily. If he hadn't dropped the _'it's Nick'_ bomb on her, she would be doing just fine right now.

_Well,_ that _wouldn't have happened if I hadn't interfered with Diane._

Actually, no. She didn't regret that. Sam and Diane were perfect for each other. It was no one's fault really.

She sat up, groaning. This much thinking was hurting her head.

"Need me some wine!" she sang, and sat up. She pulled the Sancerre bottle out and frowned at the cork.

_Dammit._

She didn't want to go upstairs for a corkscrew. Biting her lip, she decided to take a chance with the internet and browsed on her phone, finding a video that explained how wine bottles could be opened with keys.

Ten minutes later, she was laughing in triumph and put the bottle to her lips, and took a large swig. Pulling the back of seat to a slightly reclining position, she lay against it, sipping the wine straight out of the bottle, listening to Lana Del Rey's _Summertime Sadness,_ while singing to it.

_My Summertime Sadness is going to come back._

She thought, starting to panic. She was afraid to walk down that road again. She started to wish Mark hadn't left. He'd proved to be a great buffer and had given her the confidence to come back to L.A. after the summer. She felt a little powerful, knowing that she might just be able to move on. With him gone, she suddenly felt very vulnerable.

_Stupid Nick Miller is driving all men away from me._

Well, it isn't his fault.

_It is too. He goes around being…_ NICK.

Stop being irrational. He doesn't even know.

_You're right. He doesn't. He should know. I'm going to give him a piece of my mind._

She hiccupped angrily.

_When I go back upstairs, I'll yell at him and make him apologise for both Sam and Mark._

What? That makes no sense! He doesn't know!

_Well, he should! After all the pain he's caused me._

"Gah! Shut up, Jessicas!" said Jess loudly, exasperated, slurring slightly. She shook her head, trying to shake both the voices out. She set aside the wine carefully against the door in the passenger to her right and decided to just stay in the car till she felt a little more collected. If she went upstairs this way, she would say something she didn't want to say and then they'd fight and….. she shuddered.

"I got that summertime, summertime sadness…." she sang loudly, completely off-key.

…

As Nick got ready for work, his eyes caught sight of the time and was surprised that Jess hadn't returned yet. She should've been home at least an hour back. Maybe she was taking a detour. She'd been weird all day. Well, weirder.

Closing the door behind him, he headed downstairs. As he started to walk towards the bar, he recognised Jess' car in what she called the 'Catspace'. The two cats resting on the hood of the car hinted that the car had been here for a while. As he went closer, he heard her.

"X is the shape, I drew through you… your face in permanet… permanent…. parker. Marker?"

_Is she drunk!? She sounds drunk._

He approached the car and peeped into it quietly to see that Jess was sprawled flat on her back on the driver's sit. A half empty Sancerre bottle lay in the passenger sit, resting against the door, and the stereo was blasting what he was sure he recognised as Taylor Swift.

_Wow. Is she this devastated that Mark was gone?_

His heart clenched, and he considered going back upstairs and tell Abby. But deciding against it, he tapped the window thrice with the nail of his index finger, but Jess didn't seem to hear it. He tapped harder, pressing his palms flat against the window. She stopped singing midway, and looked up startled. He watched as her face contorted into an expression he couldn't quite place. Rolling her window down, she leaned over the passenger seat to look at him and said, "What", as if drinking pink wine in a car while listening to Taylor Swift was quite normal and that it was something she did everyday.

Nick quirked a brow. "What're you doing?"

She rolled her eyes. "What does it look like I'm doing, Nicholas?"

_"_ Aside from the fact that you're getting piss drunk, I'm not really sure, Jessica."

"Go away, Nick. Taylor and I need some alone time, right now," said Jess, adding under her breath, "You're literally the last person I want to talk to right now."

Nick raised his eyebrows, clearly annoyed. "What did I do _now_?"

"Go away," she said, leaning back and resting her face against the steering, continuing to look at him.

"No."

" _Nick!"_

" _Jess!"_

Instead of responding, she simply stared at him, hoping to make him uncomfortable enough with the silence to just go away.

Nick waited for a few moments before shrugging, he reached down the open window, and holding the Sancerre bottle carefully, opened the lock and let himself in the car. She gaped at him as she watched him settle next to her.

_The nerve of this annoying turtle-faced man!_

He turned to look at her, arms crossed, waiting. She stared back coolly, at least tried to stare back coolly, but she could feel the nerves taking over.

"Look at you, Jessica Christopher Day, all sad because her boyfriend left," said Nick mockingly, hoping to elicit a response out of her which could clue him in on why she was being so mopey.

_Stop trying to rationalise, Miller. It might actually be because Mark left. Why can't you just accept that?_

"What does that mean?" Jess growled, sitting up.

"Because you didn't seem half as broken up about breaking off our year long relationship, you know what I mean?" said Nick, shrugging casually. He realised that the statement, originally intended too rile her up, was true. He was genuinely hurt by it, and that's why, somewhere in the back of his mind, this was why he couldn't believe that Mark's departure had effected Jess so much.

When he snapped out of his thoughts, the look on Jess' face made him flinch and regret his words. She looked hurt and angry at the same time, although 'angry' might be an understatement. Her eyes were wide, shining with tears but her eyebrows were knit to form a frown. The tip of her nose had turned red, the way it did when she was about to cry but so had her cheeks, the way they did when she was infuriated.

"I wasn't broken up about our relationship?" she repeated, in a quivering voice, "You genuinely think so, don't you?"

"Jess, I-"

"I ran away to a whole different city, Nick. If that is not enough of a clue, I don't know what is," she seethed.

"What? Is that why you left to Po-"

He was cut off by her mirthless laughter, as she reached for the Sancerre bottle, and downed another huge gulp. Before he could say anything again, tears trailing down her cheeks, Jess continued. "It's so ironic that _you_ think so, you know," she said looking at him, hurt etched all over her face.

"There's you," she continued, gesturing with one hand to him, "And then there's _them_ ," she said, flailing her other hand towards wherever/whoever these 'them' were.

"What're you talking about? I don't understand. Who's "them"?" asked Nick, an uneasy feeling settling in his stomach.

"… they left because they thought the complete opposite," she finished, shaking her head. "This is all _your_ fault!" she mumbled.

"Excuse me? What is my fault, exactly?"

"Yeah," she said strongly. "Your fault, Nicholas!"

"Jess, who left? How's that my fault?! You're not making any sense to me! Stop talking so cryptically!" he yelled, placing his hands on her shoulders and shaking her.

As he shook her, her eyes came back into focus and when they finally settled on him, the anger was gone. Breathing deeply, she took another swig from the bottle. It was nearly empty now. "Sam left because he thought I was in love with you," she said softly.

Nick let go of her as if he'd been electrified. "What?"

"Sam left because he thought I was in love with you," she repeated slowly.

"I thought… you said-"

"Yeah, he went after his best friend. Something about not wanting to let her get away," she mumbled, smiling tightly. "But he said that to me right before he left."

"And now, Mark…" she said, sadly. "He was all like " _Oomph, Jess", "We don't have that, Jess,"_ and _"Like you and Nick, Jess,"_ " she said, imitating him in a shrill un-Mark-like voice. "Stupid Mark. Stupid Sam," she grumbled.

Nick was petrified.

_Mark and Jess had broken up._

He didn't know what to say, as he stared at her. She continued to ramble about how stupid Mark and Sam were, oblivious to his presence, hiccupping every once in a while. And then, she frowned. "Maybe something is wrong with _me_."

Hiccup.

"Mark left me, Sam left me, Spencer, and there was Ryan…" her eyes went to him as she continued, "… and you… I always mess things up, it looks like. Why did I have to bring up kids, Nick? To _you_ of all people? You, Nicholas Miller. I mean, what was I thinking? I got too carried away, like I always do. I forgot that there was a time and place for everything. I'm so sorry, Nick…" she said, tears forming in her eyes as her hiccups became more frequent.

"Jess, it's alright. There's nothing wrong with you. You are one of the most perfect people I have met." said Nick quietly, reaching out to cradle her face, wiping a stray tear with his thumb. "It takes to two clap. I mean, you're Jessica Day. You being you, how did I not think that you would want all those things? It was just bad timing, Jess."

She leaned into his hand, sniffling softly.

He could smell her scent, and he felt like he would suffocate. It was messing with his brain, and making him want to do things he shouldn't. And just like the first time, with all caution thrown to wind, he leaned in to kiss her, only brushing his lips against hers. She pulled back startled, before throwing her arms around him and pulling him back to her for a deeper, longer kiss. He could taste the pink wine on her tongue. Relying on the belief that if this was destined to end badly, the ginormous amount of alcohol in her system would erase this memory, he pushed her against the window of the car. If not, he hoped that her kissing him back with equal fervour meant something and that this could be another beginning.


	12. Of Jessica Day and Related Epiphanies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh god I'd totally forgotten that I'd left this pending!!! Thank you to @Rubywurst for bringing this fic back to my attention! I can't tell you how happy your reviews made me!!! I think I've found the motivation I needed to finish up!
> 
> I know I've published this in its entirety on FanFiction.Net, but still... I was in a dark place and um, re-reading the first fic I wrote has helped me just a little bit. 
> 
> So I'd like to thank you @Rubywurst!!!! I really needed this, and I'm really thankful to you for leaving thoughtful reviews :)

After kissing for what seemed like hours, they broke away for air and held each other's gaze for a few moments. Jess gulped. "What was that about?"

"I've been wanting to do that for a while now," he admitted.

She sank into her seat and stared at him, and started to shake her head as of she was trying to throw some thoughts out of it.

"No. Did you think I'm Reagan, Nick?" she asked giggling.

"What, no!" he said, scrunching his face. _What a strange thing to ask!_

"Oh of course not! _I'm_ the one that's drunk… Silly me," she chuckled but widened her eyes. "Wait, then why... _you! You kissed me._ Whaaaaat? That's so… weird. I'm dreaming…. I must be dreaming… My eyes feel so hea…vy…"

As he watched, her eyelids started to droop and within seconds, she was asleep against the glass window.

Nick sighed.

_Classic._

After a lot of effort, twenty minutes later, he was in the elevator, carrying Jess, head tucked under his chin. Her arm was draped around his neck and the other hung limply as he carried her to the loft. He kicked at the door until it was opened by Abby, who widened her eyes at the sight of Jess in his arms.

"Oh, my god! Jess!" she said, looking at Nick as he headed to her bedroom to put her down. "What happened?"

"I was on my way to the bar and I saw her in her parked car…"

Abby quirked a brow.

"…heard her actually, singing a Taylor Swift song, terribly off-key. I approached her and for some reason, she decided that getting wasted in the car would be better than coming back upstairs."

Abby nodded. That seemed so believable and typically like Jess the Whimsical. But then she frowned. "Wait, you would've left for the bar a while back. What took you so long to bring her back up?"

Gulping, Nick shrugged. "I left a little later than usual today."

"Right," said Abby, and wondered if she was imagining the mild swelling of her sister's lips.

As he started to walk towards his bedroom, he added, "You might want to change her clothes."

Abby nodded, but not before yelling, "I don't believe you, Nick Miller!"

…

Nick woke up feeling exhausted. He'd called in sick last night when he'd come back, not having the energy to return to work. He rubbed his eyes, and he thought back to what had transpired last night.

_She kissed me back! She kissed me back! She kissed me back!_

With that thought, he also worried if he could possibly just have been a rebound. But there was something else she'd said… about running away…

_I ran away to a whole different city, Nick._

That's what she'd said, and he knew he hadn't imagined it. She obviously meant Portland, but… could it mean what he thought it meant?

_What else could it possibly mean, you idiot?_

If that was actually why she left…

With a sinking horror, he jumped off of his bed and started pacing around his room. He remembered their conversation about it being unfair that she had to do all the girlfriend stuff when she wasn't really his girlfriend. He cringed inwardly when he realised that she probably did mean what she'd said.

_Don't you dare pull that card, you hypocrite!_

Was he just now imagining the anger and venom in those words? The absolute outrage? He remembered being taken aback at her surprisingly infuriated reaction. And just like that, the entire conversation replayed in his head, and each little remembrance he only felt worse.

_And it was alright for you and Reagan to go at it while I stayed right across the hall from you…?_

_I heard you every day, Nick, and I couldn't fall asleep!_

_Sound cancelling headphones didn't help!_

_You literally showed zero qualms in sucking Reagan's face in the common living area!_

And then, completely uninvited, was the image of Mark and Jess making out on the couch. A wave of nausea swept over him as he realised he'd put her through ten times the pain he'd been through, through that weekend, and for him, at least it'd been a mere weekend. Jess had stayed with that pain bottled up inside her for months, without as much of a trace showing on her face.

_And with all of that, she helped me with Reagan while I was nothing but a jerk to Mark._

He sat down on the edge of his bed, head in his hands and was filled with despair. The thought of her helping him build a relationship with Reagan made him want to punch himself in the face. She'd literally walked both of them through the relationship, while he'd been so oblivious to everything happening right under his nose; he'd been so obsessed with the idea of moving on with Reagan that he'd completely sidelined his best friend and utterly disregarded her feelings.

Why did she even help if she felt that way? _Because she's Jess, and that's what she does._

Small things from the past started to stand out to him now.

Her face when Reagan had walked in right after they'd decided to attend Schmidt and Cece's wedding together.

Her scolding him for berating himself and telling him how incredible she thought he was.

_And then I just took off to New Orleans._

_I took her with me and Reagan to SOCALYALCON_

No fucking wonder she'd left, and completely cut off from him.

_This summer has been very, very hard on her. It was awful seeing her like that. It took me days to just get her out of bed…_

It was no wonder Abby despised him.

… _and Mark, he helped her. A lot._

His heart sank immediately. Maybe she'd moved on now. He decided that even if she _had_ moved on from him, though it would hurt like hell, he had a lot to make up for.

_But they've broken up!_

And he'd found her drowning herself in wine for it because Mark had left because of _him_. Once again, he'd only caused her more pain.

_She kissed me back._

It was a small voice at the back of his head, and he felt his hopes rise a little. He'd been blind to all the pain he'd been causing her and he probably deserved the pain he was going through. He _had_ to let her know that he was sorry, sorry that she had to run away with all that pain hidden away. He hated himself for being the one to do that to her.

Just then, he heard Jess' door open softly and heard footsteps heading out the hallway.

He waited for a few moments before inhaling deeply, knowing exactly what he would do; he would shower her with kisses and punctuate each of his kisses with an apology, and tell her that he would do everything he could to heal all the pain he had caused her and beg him for another chance.

With resolve strengthening every passing moment, he opened his bedroom door. As he entered the hallway, he saw Jess combing through a drawer, looking for aspirin undoubtedly, one hand clutching her head.

"Hey, Jess," he said, cautiously, approaching the table.

"Mornin'" she grumbled, as she finally found the tablet and took it with some water.

"Bad hangover, I presume?"

"The very worst," she responded, smiling sheepishly.

And that's when Nick knew. He knew that she didn't remember their kiss at all because if she did, they'd be playing the same game they'd played the first time they'd kissed in the hallway; avoid eye contact, participate only in group conversations and pretend to be busy.


	13. Of Abigail Damn Day

The next morning, Jess woke up with a severe head ache in her bedroom. She lay in bed, trying to recollect what had happened the previous night, trying go through things in her head in chronological order.

_I dropped Mark off…. went to buy wine…. Sancerre… but instead of coming back up… I decided to get wasted in the car itself…. Summertime Sadness…. You Belong with Me…. Dark Paradise…. Haunted…. We Found Wonderland…. Wildest Dreams…. Permanent Marker…. Nick. Nick?!_

She tried to think harder, but only remembered Nick tapping her window, some more wine and lots of yelling.

_Wow, we must have fought like hell, given my state of mind yesterday._

She groaned.

_Oh no, I hope I didn't say something stupid!_

_And how did I get here? And how am I in my pyjamas?_

She sighed inwardly.

_Only one way to find out._

Bracing herself, she swung her legs out of her bed, and her head spun a little bit.

_Too fast, too fast._

First and foremost, she decided that she needed an aspirin. Steadying herself on her feet, she slowly walked out of her room, mentally preparing herself for the worst.

…

As she ruffled through the drawers for aspirin, she heard his familiar footfall, but decided not to turn if he didn't acknowledge her himself; if she'd done something weird (or stupid), she would've heard receding footfalls by now.

"Hey, Jess."

"Mornin'", she grumbled, as she finally found the tablet and grabbed a glass of water. She still wasn't sure of what had happened, and things were too blurry.

"Bad hangover, I presume?" he asked.

The throbbing ache in her head made her smile a little, albeit guiltily. She didn't usually drink this much. "The very worst," she said.

She thought she saw a change come over his expression, but dismissed it as imagination because why would his expression change because she was having the worst hangover. She gestured to the coffee machine and looked at Nick questioningly. He nodded once, as he sat at the kitchen-island, and she started to prepare two cups of coffee for them.

"So, er, I don't remember much," she confessed, looking pointedly at the cups, her back to him.

"I figured as much," he said.

_Am I imagining it or does he sound a little upset?_

"You finished nearly an entire bottle of Sancerre," he added disapprovingly.

She smiled a little, slightly nervous, as she turned around to face him with the coffee in her hands. "Yeah, I do that sometimes."

…

Nick sighed internally. He knew what was happening; she was waiting for him to say something about last night so she could tread carefully and only speak about what she thought he already knew so as to not touch upon a new subject. So far, she was doing a good job of it.

"Why the wine though?" he asked, finally, giving in as she sat across him.

He observed her, as her eyes flickered to her feet before looking back at him.

_Great, she was about to lie._

…

When Nick asked her that, it gave her some relief; he didn't know why she was drinking the wine, which was good. If she'd said something stupid, he wouldn't have let her get away with it so easily. Him not knowing why she was downing the wine meant he couldn't possibly know about her break up with Mark. She remembered how vulnerable she felt without their relationship shielding her, so she decided to keep up the charade.

She'd lost her shield, but he didn't know that.

_What Nick doesn't know won't hurt him._

As Nick waited, she finally said, "It was Mark. He left, so… I don't know. It felt strange, that's all. I miss him."

_Well, at least that much was true._

_…_

Nick quirked a brow.

_Why won't she just tell me they broke up?_

"Is that so?" he said in softly in response, staring at her.

She nodded, before looking at him nervously again. "So, what happened er, last night?"

"Hm, now let's see," said Nick as he crossed his arms, and looked up at the ceiling, pretending to think. "You were totally wasted…"

"You don't say…"

"… I heard you singing off-key to some Taylor Swift song on my way to the bar…"

"Well, someone knows their Taylor Swift thoroughly," she smirked.

"… then we yelled at each other a little bit…"

As he observed her, he saw her gulp nearly imperceptibly. "What about?" she breathed.

"… just this and that. About how much you were drinking and stuff, and how you should just come back upstairs when you were in a condition to…" he paused his tirade of lies.

"And…?" she prompted.

Making a split-second decision, he looked her straight in the said, "… and then, we made out against your car window…"

He saw all colour leave her face as she turned pale. Her breathing grew ragged and she looked like she was going to be sick.

"What," she said softly. "What. What! What?!" she said, voice getting louder with every 'what'.

Nick gulped. "I'm just kidding, Jess!" he said, forcing a laugh, a little too loud. That hadn't been the reaction he'd been expecting, and seeing her so out of sorts confused him.

She put a hand to her chest, her face immediately filled with relief (which did bother him a little… would kissing him be really that terrible?) as she swatted Nick, mildly irritated, but playfully all the same.

"There was n-no kiss. You just passed out and I carried you back upstairs, that's all. I was very annoyed, of course," he added, trying to make light of the whole thing.

"Never makes jokes of that kind again," she said, but he could sense the tone of a genuine warning and worry.

 _Wow, she is genuinely afraid of having to deal with the consequences of kissing me!_ he thought petulantly.

It felt easier to retract that truth than to face it and have to talk about it. He knew how that conversation would go.

_It was nothing, Nick, I'm sorry. I was drunk out of my mind._

Hearing her say this would make everything too final, almost like if she said it out loud, it'd be set in stone. But he also knew she'd question him for doing nothing to stop it when he was quite sober.

 _"Why didn't you stop me!"_ she'd ask.

He wasn't sure he was ready to answer that either.

_Besides, what Jess doesn't know won't hurt her._

_…_

When Abigail Day woke up that morning, she lay in bed staring at the ceiling for a while. It was one of those days where you wake up with an existential crisis. She had only wasted time and hadn't done much ever since she'd moved back in with Joan. Maybe a little bit of community service and helping out with the library, but nothing substantial. Her mother didn't push her either, but she knew Joan was worried. But this summer had given her some purpose - Jess.

Which incidentally reminded her - _I should move back to Jess' room._

She paused and sighed internally. Maybe she should just move out, get her own place; if not here, back in Portland. She was tired of adventures and wanted to settle down, and besides, she couldn't stay here forever.

Jess seemed fine now; a lot better than her first week in Portland. She shuddered; she didn't want to see her sister so lifeless ever again. With Reagan gone, and knowing she had Mark and Cece made her feel a little better, but Nick…

She was cut off mid-thought when she heard Jess yelp 'what' three times. She sat up in her bed, straining to listen.

"I'm just kidding, Jess!"

Loud, awkward, laugh.

"There was n-no kiss. You just passed out and I carried you back upstairs, that's all. I was very annoyed, of course."

Abby's eyes widened.

_Well, well. Nick Miller, who knew._

She'd known they'd kissed and knowing Jess, she also knew Jess wouldn't remember. She couldn't believe that Nick actually told her… well, almost. She decided to pull an Abby Day one last time. Besides, she'd really enjoy watching Nick squirm a little bit.

…

Abby walked into the kitchen a few moments later.

"Mornin' Jess. Miller," she said, nodding towards him with a smirk.

As Jess sipped her coffee, she looked at with eyebrows raised. "Aren't you full of sunshine this morning."

"What can I say, Jess. It was an eventful night," said Abby shrugging.

Nick wondered if he was imagining the look Abby was giving him, mainly because the 'look' wasn't filled with disdain. She'd been looking at him with sheer annoyance and disdain, so he wondered if he was imagining the teasing look on her face.

"So, Jess. I'm guessing your night was eventful, too," said Abby, pouring herself some coffee.

"Nu-uh. I don't know Abby. I don't remember at all," she said sheepishly.

"Oh! You don't remember?" asked Abby, and once again Nick wondered if he'd imagined the look of amusement she'd given him.

"I see the swelling of your lips has gone down," said Abby, sipping her coffee and looking at Nick over the rim of her mug.

Nick nearly choked on his coffee. _Definitely not imagining the 'look'._

Jess' hands shot up to her lips, as she touched them, she shot a quick glance at Nick, who was staring at the table. "Swelling? Lips?"

"Yeah," said Abby. "I was sure I'd imagined it at first but as I changed your clothes, I'm sure I saw some swelling."

Jess laughed nervously. "Ha! I must have chewed my lips a lot while I was drunk."

…

He realised what Abby was doing. It wasn't hard, given that he now knew why Abby had been so hostile (rightfully, so. He'd probably react the same way if it'd been Jamie). But with that knowledge, he felt challenged. Now that he knew Mark was out of the picture, he decided that he didn't want to back down without a fight and for that, he needed Abby to be on his side. At least to be safe with the knowledge that he wouldn't be murdered in his own bed.

"What, you only chew your lips when you're nervous," said Nick suddenly, looking away from the spot on the ground. "It was just the two of us. What were you nervous about, Jessica?"

He sounded like he was playful, but there was something else...

Abby quirked a brow. _Where was this newfound bravado coming from?_

Jess narrowed her eyes. "I don't remember, Nick. Remember?"

"Oh, I do. Every minute of it," said Nick.

"Good."

"Good."

"I doubt there was much to remember, right?" she muttered under her breath. "I mean it was just the two of us… listening to Taylor Swift… Right?" she said, louder.

"Right. Except we were fighting and you… were drunk," he said, crossing his arms, resting both his elbows on the island.

"I am aware that I was drunk," she said, irritated.

"And damn, are you a talkative one."

Her head shot up. "What? Did I talk a lot? What did I say?"

There was a brief silence, punctuated by the small sound of Abby sipping her coffee, looking back and forth between them.

"You wanted to watch Dirty Dancing..."

Jess gulped. Everyone knew what that meant.

"... and you mentioned Sam..."

Jess let out a little squeak. "What! What'd I say?"

Nick shrugged casually. "I don't quite remember... Something about what he said before he left. What'd he say, Jess?"

"If you weren't wearing that nice t-shirt, I would've thrown my coffee at you," she said indignantly, her finger tracing the rim of her cup, her nerves almost giving out with the pressure. What was he doing? Did he or did he not know? If so, why wasn't he running in the other direction?

"You like this t-shirt, do you?" he asked, standing up with a smirk, hands in his pyjama pocket.

"It's nice. Why ruin the fabric with coffee stains," huffed Jess. "Don't jump to conclusions, Miller."

"Well, I'm just going to assume you like this t-shirt then," he said, leaning towards her sitting form, towering over her.

"Whatever, Nicholas."

" _Whatever, Nicholas_ ," he said, mimicking her. "You say this when you acknowledge but cannot admit defeat."

"I do not!" she said, annoyed.

"You do too."

"Nicholas, I don't like that t-shirt," she said, leaning towards him, their faces levelled.

"Prove it," he said, standing straight, arms crossed.

They both locked eyes, and both of them knew where the other's minds had taken them. Nick gulped, as he stared at her and suddenly everything happened quickly. Jess broke eye contact, and grabbing her mug threw the remaining coffee at him.

"There's proof for you," she said, keeping the mug on the island and walking away towards her bedroom, leaving him bemused, staring after her. The only sound was that of Abby laughing, tears in her eyes, thinking _That escalated quickly._

As Nick watched Jess walkaway, he was filled with disbelief. He down at his t-shirt, the coffee spreading, and let out a surprised laugh.

"You surprised me, Miller," said Abby.

Nick looked up to see her scrutinising him. "What?"

"Nothing. Just trying to understand something," she said slowly.

Nick sat down across her, and sighed. "I know why she left to Portland."

Abby halted her hand on it's way to get the next sip out of her. "Huh. Who told you?

"Jess did…. when she was drunk… I mean, kind of," he rambled.

"Okay. And you're telling me this because…?" she asked slowly, cautiously.

"To let you know that I have a lot to make up for, and I will."

Abby cocked her head at him. "Is that so? What do you plan to do?"

"Fight…"

Abby snorted. "Both of y'all seem pretty good at it."

"… _for_ her," he finished emphatically.

"Nick, she's with Mark and-"

"They broke up," he said, quickly.

"What!? Why? When did this even happen!"

"I don't know… Jess told me when…"

"… she was drunk?" finished Abby, shaking her head.

_I did not see this coming._

Nick nodded.

Abby sighed, and rubbed her eyes. "I can't say I like this, Nick. You hurt her. A lot. And I would like to punch you for it. But you can do whatever you want to do, and ultimately, it'll be Jess' choice. I will support whatever that turns out to be. But I promise you…" she leaned forward.

"… next time she cries and I ask her what's wrong, if she begins with "Nick", I _will_ murder you. And I'm sure Cece would help me this time. Maybe even Schmidt…" she mused.

Nick looked at her indignantly. "I won't hurt her!"

"Yeah, that's what I'd thought. I'm only saying this now Nick, because you _have._ "

"I know, Abby, and it won't happen again. Ever. I love her!"

Abby straightened in her seat and looked at him carefully. He definitely meant that, and she saw that he hadn't meant to let that out. She'd never seen him so embarrassed. She said nothing, and merely nodding at him once, went to Jess' room.

...

Jess was lying on the bed, staring at the ceiling with a frown on her face.

_What is Nick playing at?_

She heard Abby coming and looked up at her. Abby lay next to her in silence before saying, "Jess, I think I should go back to Portland."

Jess looked at her, surprised. "Already?"

"What, you want me to stay?" smirked Abby.

"I've seen you every day since the beginning of summer..." said Jess softly.

"Ha, what, you're sick of me now?"

"No. I'll miss you, Abby."

Turning to her, Jess threw an arm across Abby's stomach, as Abby adjusted a little bit to accommodate her little sister's head on her shoulder.

"I'll miss you too, little J," said Abby, planting a kiss on Jess' forehead.

"So you think I can handle it now?" asked Jess, chuckling.

"Well, from the observations I have made, I can tell you that Nick Miller won't bother you anymore. I still want to punch his face, but with Reagan gone, I don't think he will be too much of an idiot," replied Abby with a little smile.

"But we've been fighting... _a lot_. And I don't understand why. Everything was fine and now..."

"Cece said you used to fight all the time."

"Yeah, I guess. But that was before... you know, _before._ "

"Right."

Abby shot a glance at Jess, trying to spot any traces of the usual post-breakup Jess. She didn't see any. Admittedly, she as confused. She'd thought it was going well, but apparently, something was not. She wanted to ask her why they'd broken up. But for that, she'd have to get Jess to tell her that they'd broken up.

"Since I'm going back to Portland, anything you want to send for Mark, or...?"

When she looked at Jess, Abby could almost hear Jess contemplating what she should say. Her defeated sigh before she spoke told her what she needed before Jess did. "Well, nothing. Um, Mark and I broke up."

Abby turned to Jess. "What happened?"

Jess grimace. "We don't have the _oomph_ it takes, apparently. Well, not "apparently" because we actually don't. He kept bringing up Nick, can you believe it? He wants the kind of "passion" I have with Nick! I mean... passion, _what passion._ We fight all the time about the stupidest of things, and I don't even know what he meant by that? I absolutely shot him down, you know? I mean, _yeah_ we didn't have passion and stuff, but _that has nothing to do with Nick, Abby!_ Nothing! I don-"

"Jess!" exclaimed Abby, cutting her off with a laugh.

Jess looked at her indignantly as Abby continued, "I get it, okay? It just doesn't work out sometimes."

"Yes," agreed Jess, nodding rigorously.

They lay in bed quietly in a comfortable silence. Abby wondered if she should tell Jess about the little slip-up confession she'd heard from Nick. But she was unsure... She still didn't trust him entirely; of course, she knew it was just the bias she had against the guy who'd hurt her baby sister like hell.

_I have a lot to make up for. And I will._

That Nick Miller did. She realized that Nick should take the lead and do what he must do. Jess might have started to move on with Mark, but they'd broken up (information no one was supposed to have at the moment) now, and Abby knew that that had happened before Jess could move on completely. She knew there were still some residual, she didn't want to make things easier for him. He'd said he would fight for her, and fight for her he must. If Jess and Nick were to share something at all, it should grow organically. Not like the unnatural, but sorta natural flowers her mother grew using the grafting method.

_Ha, I've been paying attention. I should try my hand at gardening._

_..._

Nick sat at the island as Abby walked away, staring unseeingly at nothing in particular. He felt strange saying out loud, that he loved Jess. He was still wary of Abby, but he found her lack of protest peculiarly encouraging. She did threaten him though, if something were to go wrong.

_Not this time. Nothing will go wrong this time._

When he'd told Abby that he'd make up for what he'd done, he meant it. He still wasn't sure how Jess felt about him. Admittedly she kissed him back, but how much could that possibly mean? She was piss drunk, and probably recovering from her breakup with Marcus the Perfect. The knowledge of why she left for Portland also gave him a little hope, but he also realised that if he'd driven Jessica Day away from her feelings, and to a whole different city, he must have hurt her real bad. That much pain had been healed by Marcus, by the looks of it, and Nick couldn't help but wonder if Jess had finally moved on. It made his heart hurt to think that, but he knew that he'd promised to fight for her and make up for all the pain he'd caused her. So as long as he repented and made up for all the pain he'd caused her, he could live with the likely possibility of her not loving him back anymore. He'd had that opportunity, and he'd let that get away. Twice.

Yep, he'd just live.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow. I was so dramatic back when I first started writing :')


	14. Of Panic Moonwalking: Jessica Day Style

Jess walked into the loft, exhausted. She threw her keys aside and threw herself on the couch. Abby had just left for Portland and she had so much work to do; the teachers would come back to school tomorrow. Technically today, but she'd taken the day off today to drop Abby off and Kate, the Vice Principal, was very accommodating about that. There were still about 3 weeks left for the kids to return.

She dragged herself to her room and picked up the stack of papers on her desk. Sitting on her bed would mean she'd take a nap. A really _really_ long one. Sighing, she trudged back to the living area and sat down on the couch, as she focused on the task at hand.

_Ugh. Planning a term is so hard._

As she did her work, her mind frequently wandered over the happenings of the last few days. It was like time had picked up pace ever since she had come back from Los Angeles. Portland had been so slow uneventful, compared to the last 3 weeks - Nick and Reagan had broken up, Mark and Jess had broken up (not that anyone except Abby and Cece knew), Abby had left, Cece was pregnant, Nick and Jess were still fighting like crazed cats, only change being that Nick always apologised first, irrespective of how irrational she was being.

_And you both probably made out while you were drunk in the car four days ago._

She hissed at that annoying little voice inside her head, knowing her thought process would go into the same repetitive cycle as it had in the last four days.

_You know you did._

No, I don't know. Shut up.

Jess took her glasses off and rubbed her eyes with the heels of her palm. She wasn't sure about it, but Abby's prodding and Nick's smug face was not something she could get out her head easily.

_"…and then, we made out against your car window…"_

She knew him enough to know when he was lying and he wasn't when he'd said that. Though he'd immediately dismissed it, she knew. Somewhere, at the back of her mind, in a section called 'Denial/Delusional', she knew.

And Abby's comment on her swollen lips, of course. She knew it wasn't a mere coincidence that she'd said it in front of Nick, and she wondered if her memory was messing with her and if she was imagining Nick gulp almost imperceptibly as he stared into his coffee. '

_"…you only chew your lips when you're nervous. It was just the two of us. What were you so nervous about…."_

She wished her memory would come back so she would just _know._ Internally, she rolled her eyes at herself… _You already "know"._

_Fine, I just want to remember again what kissing him feels like. I hate that we kissed as recently as four days ago and I don't remember._

_Ugh._

She put her head in her hands and breathed deeply, beckoning for the Denial/Delusional Section to take over, and was grateful when it did.

_He said he was kidding, Jess. Abby was probably just messing with you._

_Yep. That was it._

She was nodding to herself, but her mind continued with the other thing… the not-so-cherry cherry-on-the-top.

_"Prove it."_

The challenge in his tone was imminent and not at all subtle. It was also very, _very_ familiar. She could see on his face that both of them were thinking the same thing.

And she couldn't shake off the feeling that he knew something and wasn't letting on.

_"…and you mentioned Sam… something about what he said before he left… What'd he say, Jess?"_

There it had been again, a challenging tone.

She still hadn't mustered the guts to tell anyone else other than Abby and Cece about breaking up with Mark.

(Unknown to her, Cece had let it slip to Schmidt, who "let it slip" to Winston, who told Aly, and all of them, while wondering why Jess wouldn't tell them, wondered if Nick knew, while Nick often questioned if the rest of them knew and tried not to feel too bad about the possibility that if they did, they didn't tell him. It turned into a classic _I-know-that-you-know-but-they-don't-know-that-I-know_ situation for Cece at least when Abby told her what Jess didn't know yet, and this couldn't just "slip". Too risky. _I should probably talk to Nick._ )

Jess slapped her temples with both hands, willing the thoughts to go away. It was exhausting, the monotonous cycle of thinking. It was getting to her nerves now and she always on the edge, worried that she'd sink back into the Pre-Portland Jess.

_With Mark gone, you technically are._

"Shut up!" she squeaked, throwing her head on the backrest of the couch, before turning determinedly to work.

…

Nick was sure he'd heard Jess say 'shut up' to someone just before he entered the loft, and when he entered, he was somehow not very surprised that she was alone. Chuckling softly, he put aside his keys and casually walked over to her. She had one hand on her head and the other was scribbling furiously on a notepad. He could tell she was restless as his eyes fell on her tapping foot which had always reminded him of that little bunny in _Bambi._

He jumped over the couch's backrest and landed next to her as she inevitably bounced a little bit, further exaggerated by her startled jump. "Jesus, Nick!"

"Nope, plain ol' Nicholas," he joked.

Jess shook her head. "Ha, ha."

"Whatcha doin'?" he asked, peering over her shoulder.

"Term plans," she said, and in attempt to not to let his proximity affect her too much, it came out as a squeak. She leaned against the back of the couch to put some distance between them, and almost reflexively inhaled deeply. She didn't even know she had been holding her breath.

And Nick noticed.

His heart fluttered a little but ignoring that, he carefully, trying to be as subtle as possible, put a measured distance between them with the hope that she'd relax.

She did, visibly.

Before the silence could get heavy, Jess said, "So, Abby left."

"Oh. Joan's work finally got done?" he asked, slyly. **_(ref. Ch6)_**

"What work?" asked Jess, confused.

Nick chuckled knowingly and shook his head.

"What?" she asked.

"It's nothing," he said, waving dismissively. "How's Mark?"

Jess quirked a brow. "No more "Marcus" huh?"

Nick merely shrugged, choosing not to answer her. _I don't have reason to dislike him anymore._

She continued to look at him, and he could see the debate on her face.

_Would she tell him?_

And then, her eyes went to her feet, before flickering back to him.

_Well, probably not._

"Yeah, he's fine. Doing just fine," she said and broke into a little tune. "We're doing great, just great. It's all good."

"Right," he said, leaning forward, lacing his fingers.

Nick threw a sideward glance at her and could see she was still scribbling away to glory. Except she was literally scribbling; it was no coherent language. He didn't know how long he could let this go on, pretending like nothing had happened. Like there wasn't so much unsaid between them. Things had come to a standstill now, and it was going nowhere. He didn't necessarily expect (hoped, yes) that they'd become _Nick and Jess_ again, but this little dance they were doing, careful treading, had to stop. He decided to put it all out on the table and to let things go forward from there. Everything's been stagnant for too long and someone had to give it a push. Jess obviously wasn't going to.

Ha, Nick Miller doesn't jump into things. He's the guy who doesn't do something if he doesn't know what's going to happen.

But he'd done it once before, and it had given him the best year of his life.

Taking a deep breath, Nick turned to look at Jess pointedly, waiting for her to look at him. Sensing his gaze on her, she slowly turned to him. Nick carefully took her hands in his, and she looked down their hands, confused.

"Nick, what-"

Looking straight into her eyes, he mentally screamed ' _Jeronimo'_ as he took the dive. "I know you and Mark broke up."

He saw her eyes widen in panic and held onto her hands as she started to tug them away. She was looking everywhere but at him. He'd expected her to get angry and deny it outright, or even just stare at him quietly, but he didn't understand why she looked _scared._

Perplexed at the unexpected reaction, he pulled at her hands, a gentle but firm tug to bring her eyes back to his, waiting for her to say something.

"How-" she started, still tugging at her hands, gently.

"You told me. In the car, when you were drunk," he said quietly.

"Oh," she looked at their hands and gulped.

_So this conversation is happening, I see. Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool._

"You said some other things too," he started slowly, holding her gaze.

_He knew._

"You said that Sam-"

_Oh, god._

She wanted the ground to swallow her whole, and with one violent tug, her hands were free. They flew to her ears as she covered them.

"What? I can't hear you, Nick!" she said, standing up, while Nick looked at her incredulously. This was the most bizarre thing she'd done since he'd known her.

_Was this really happening?_

"You said that Sam- come on, Jess!" he stood, trying to tug her hands away from her ears, continuing with a raised voice. "You'd said that Sam left after telling you that you were in love with me."

When her resistance grew, he knew she could hear him and she knew he knew she could, so she started to sing. " _FLASHING LIGHTS AND WE TOOK A WRONG TURN AND FELL DOWN A RABBIT HOLE!"_

_Rabbit hole? What?_

Nick paused his attempt to pry her arms off in confusion. Using the slack that came with that little distraction, Jess jumped back, continuing to sing at the top of her voice.

"Jess!"

" _YOU HELD ON TIGHT TO ME 'CAUSE NOTHING'S AS IT SEEMS."_

 _"JESSICA!"_ he yelled, frustrated as he watched her back away.

"What in the blazes is going on!" yelled Winston, stepping out his room groggily, taking in the sight of Jess, hands on her ears, singing at the top of her voice, walking backwards, and Nick looking the most confused he'd ever seen him, with a tinge of apprehension.

" _SPINNING OUT OF CONTROL! DIDN'T THEY TELL US DON'T RUSH INTO THINGS! DIDN'T YOU FLASH YOUR GREEN EYES AT ME! "_

_Green eyes? I don't have green eyes!_

Thud.

Nick jumped when he heard the door to her bedroom close her voice muffled as she continued to sing.

" _Haven't you heard what becomes of curious minds…"_

Wow. Was this how people felt when he panic moonwalked away from them?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> O.O That was so corny and weird you guys :O 
> 
> [ Please bear with my comments lmfao republishing and reading bits of what I'd written feels weird and amusing at the same time :') ]
> 
> Anyways. I love Taylor Swift :)


	15. Of a Paining Heart and a Scared Mind

"Didn't it all seem new and exciting, I felt your arms twisting around me…" hummed Jess, as she stared out of the window of her room, replaying what she'd just done. It would probably rank first in the list of 'Stupid Things Jessica Day Has Done'. No, it would be ranked second. The first would be... _Shut up. Don't go there._

Nick hadn't come in after her, and she was relieved. She was in no mood to discuss _that_ at all. She hadn't even known he knew, though she'd suspected as much. Except she didn't know _how much he knew._ Now she wished she'd stayed put and listened to him so she would know what he knew. She could've just pretended that she had to be somewhere instead of sticking her hands to her ears and singing loudly.

_What was this, a freakin' cartoon!? What was I thinking!_

She started to fidget with her arms and knew she had to stop thinking. So she continued to sing, almost borderline reciting as she hugged herself, eyes closed, hoping to stop herself from thinking.

"… _I should've slept with one eye open at night… Oh, We found Wonderland…You and I…Got Lost in it…"_

She had begun to sing increasingly fast, then slowing down as she felt the words pound her heart painfully, and she sat down on her bed.

"… _we pretended it could last forever. We found wonderland…"_

She lay down on her side and curled up to make herself as small as she could. She inhaled deeply, a ragged breath as the line completed itself in her head.

_You and I got lost in it… Life was never worse but never better._

_…_

Nick stood outside Jess' door for a few moments as he heard her continue to sing a line or two before falling quiet. But hardly a minute had passed when she started to sing again, fast and suddenly her voice got very quiet as she _said_ the lines instead of singing them. Then there was utter silence as he heard her voice fade out, but followed by the softest of sniffles. He opened the door as softly as he could, just a peep, and saw that she had curled into a ball on the edge of her bed, not having changed out of her clothes. He could see her tiny frame shudder and heave, followed by more sniffles as he sighed softly with a heavy heart. Every fibre in him wanted to go inside and comfort her, but after the little musical debacle, he was sure she'd appreciate being left alone.

As he retreated to his bedroom, he spotted Winston still outside his bedroom door, looking at him questioningly. "Care to explain why Jess was singing Taylor Swift on top of her voice with her ears closed?"

Nick frowned. "Winston, how do you know it's Taylor Swift?"

Winston shrugged. "I liked the album 1989, man."

"1989? That song wasn't on 1989," said Nick, looking at him, genuinely puzzled.

"It was, Nick. On the deluxe edition," said Winston sagely.

"Ah, that explains it."

Winston stared at him with eyes narrowed.

"What? Jess used listened to the entire album on repeat when it came out and I can recognise the songs from that album… and some other songs as well…" he finished with a mutter.

"Right. So what was happening here?"

Nick ran his fingers through his hair. "Fine. So, Mark broke up with her and-"

"Oh! You knew?"

" _You_ knew?" asked Nick, arms crossed.

Winston raised his hands in surrender. "Okay, I guess we're even then."

Nick nodded once, and Winston waited for him to continue.

"I asked her about it and-"

"You _asked_ her about it? What the-"

"No, Winston, I asked her because she'd already told me and-"

"If you think that makes more sense, then you're wrong!"

"Dammit, let me finish man," huffed Nick.

"Right, right… Continue," he beckoned crossing his arms.

"She told me when she was drunk…"

"Oh… Makes sense now. Sorry, do continue."

"…she also told me that… well, when Sam left, he told her he was leaving partly because he knew that Jess was… in love with me."

Noting the lack of surprise on Winston's face, Nick's eyes widened. "You _knew_?"

Winston began to stutter. "Kn-knew what?"

"About what Sam said?"

Winston looked down feeling slightly guilty. Slightly. He looked up again at Nick and said, "I mean, yeah. It took us a while to figure it out but-"

"Us!?"

Winston wished he could just sneak away unnoticed. It was at times like these that he really wished he were a cat. He could leave mid-conversation, and no one would question it.

_Furguson, you lucky bastard._

"Yes, 'us'. Aly, Schmidt, well, Jess _told_ Cece obviously…."

"Every freakin' body knew." It was just a statement, Nick could feel the anger start to build. _Why had nobody told him!_

As if Winston could read his mind, he shook his head. "Nu-uh. You don't get to be angry about that, Nick. Not at all. It was a day before the wedding and then, you just up and left! Hell, I only found out much much _much_ later, Nick. But even if I knew it on that day itself, I wouldn't've told you. You left, man. How were we even supposed to know you care?!"

Nick stared at Winston, stunned. "How could you doubt that I don't care about-"

"Reagan, Nick. You went away with her," said Winston pointedly. "I'm not blaming you, man, but you can't be angry with us. You were gone while we were left to pick up the pieces. I had some idea of it of course, but I thought she was doing fine with Robby and everything but then you took her, _your ex_ , with you on that little vacation with your _girlfriend_."

"It wasn't a vacation," he mumbled.

Nick suddenly felt very small. He already knew he was guilty of all of that, and not a day went by that he didn't regret it. He knew how much he had hurt her, he knew that he had missed all the signs despite the fact that Jessica Day was never very good at keeping things like this a secret. But there was something about someone saying it out loud that made it too real. The idea of his friends have known all along, and quietly trying to heal all the hurt that Nick was causing her, her trying to help him despite it… the thought of them watching him hurt her while she incessantly tried to make things better for him, made him feel like some kind of a criminal.

Usually, he would've felt angry that such a big thing was kept from him, and that no one had stopped him while he kept hurting the woman he loved. But Winston was right; he'd left.

He looked at Winston guiltily. "I feel like I should do something about it. I have hurt her a lot, Winston and…"

Winston sighed and put a hand on his shoulder. "Look, man, I'm assuming you know why she left to Portland?"

Nick nodded once.

"Then you know what to do," said Winston, pointedly.

"Yes, Winston! That is exactly it. I _do_ know what to do and that's what I was doing. But then Jess-"

Realization dawned on Winston. "Ohhh! That's what was happening here. I see I see."

Nick rubbed the back of his neck and breathed deeply. "So I don't know what to do anymore. If Jessica Day runs away from conversations singing, there really isn't much _I_ can do. I've run out of options."

Winston stared at him, and Nick watched in horror as he saw a familiar look come onto Winston's face. "Or have you?" asked Winston dramatically, an eyebrow raised, looking at him knowingly.

"Winston, no. Whatever you're planning-"

Placing both his hands on Nick's shoulders, Winston said, "Don't worry my man. I got a plan."

"I can see that Winston, and it's worrying me. This is not the time for Prank Sinatra," replied Nick, warily.

Winston looked at him with a smug smile, eyes mildly narrowed to create what Winston hoped was the 'mysterious' face. "Oh, no, no. This is not a Prank Sinatra situation."

"Winston-"

"You'll thank me later, Nick."

"But-"

"Now if you'll excuse me, I need some shuteye."

"Winston, no. _Don't do anything_!" Nick's pleas fell on deaf ears as the door shut in his face.

…

When Nick woke up the next morning, he wasn't surprised that Jess had already left for school. Winston and Aly were at the kitchen island having their breakfast and seemed to be in a heated discussion. They both fell quiet as they saw Nick approaching, but Aly was throwing disapproving looks at Winston, who just looked very pleased with himself.

"Mornin' guys," said Nick, quickening his pace once he realised that there wasn't any tension in the air, reaching for some bread.

"Hey," said Aly.

"Good morning, Nicholas," said Winston, smiling at him with an air of superiority as he watched Nick put his bread in the toaster.

"Winston, I meant what I said last night-" started Nick, looking apprehensive.

"Winnie's got it all worked out," said Winston, confidently.

"Winston, you don't even know if that'll work! You should just let it-" began Aly.

"Aly, Aly, Aly. You underestimate me and also their…. thing," he said, pointing at Nick. "They just need a push."

"Hey, I tried-"

"Okay, _fine. Jess_ needs a push," said Winston dismissively.

Aly held her hands up in surrender, but added that she doesn't want to get involved because well, "It's none of our business!"

"Yeah, Winston," Nick said, almost screaming. " _Listen to your fiancee, Winston!_ "

"It is my business if I can help. You're my buddy, man. Besides, I'm a cop. That's what we do…" he said, pointing a finger gun at Nick.

Aly raised her brows. "No, Winston. That's really _not_ what we do."

"But like, we do stuff like-"

"Winston, no."

"It's our job to help people, Aly."

"Not this kind," she said, stubbornly.

Deciding to ignore her, he just shook his head and smirked at Nick before announcing that he had places to be.

"What places?" asked Nick. "The loft and the bar, where else do you even go man."

"Wouldn't _you_ like to know," snickered Winston as he walked out of the door.

Nick looked at Aly helplessly, hoping to find an ally, but she shrugged. "I may not approve of his plan, but if it works…"

Grumbling, he took his prepared toast and took a big bite and chewed furiously as his mind began to think of options.

…

Jess looked at the clock for the 100th time in the last hour. She tapped her foot impatiently, and her stomach made another dying-whale noise. Having left in such a hurry that morning, she had not had any breakfast and now she was extremely hungry.

Ten minutes later, she heard the liberating sound of the bell and she nearly jumped to her feet, grabbing her purse and ran out of her office.

She had decided to go to the quaint little cafe on the corner of the road because she was tired and emotionally exhausted from overthinking. She was in no mood to sit in a noisy, crowded cafeteria. She needed to treat herself to a nice quiet meal in a pretty place. As she stepped out of the gate and started to walk towards the cafe down the empty road, her eyes caught sight familiar car that was turning around the corner.

_Ugh, of course. Nicholas "Stubborn" Miller!_

She turned around immediately to walk the other way.

_No, don't let him affect you so much! You deserve that meal. Face him, Jess!_

She nodded at herself once and turned around again as she saw the approach, she turned back around, deciding that in that moment, all she wanted was some quiet. She didn't care she was being a coward; she was simply not in the mood to listen to what Nick was saying because she knew what it was about and she couldn't answer those questions. Not now.

 _Should've deleted that metaphorical stupid song from her metaphorical music player. Gah._ **_(ref Ch. 2)_**

She really wanted to go to that cafe though. Biting her lip, she decided to take the parallel road that would lead her to the cafe on the other side. It was longer, but it was Nick-free.

Without a second thought (or any _thought,_ as will be obvious), she stepped off the pavement to cross the road when she heard the squeal of tires and let out a little squeak and froze on the road, eyes squeezing shut.

"Are you freakin' crazy!" she heard, worry and anger tinting his voice.

She opened one eye and saw Nick leaning out of the window of the car, looking at her incredulously. The car had stopped a foot away from her.

"Oh, hello, Nicholas," she said. "What brings you here on this oh so fine day!" she said, in a weird accent, nervously.

"I know you saw me," he said bluntly as he glared at her.

"What, no! I would've stopped if-"

"Sure you would've," he snorted.

"Someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed," she said, muttering uneasily. "So what brings you to this part of the town?" she asked, louder.

"Oh just these kids, you know I just love 'em and all that noise," he said sarcastically.

Jess grunted. "What do you want?"

"Get in the car, Jess," he said, still leaning out the window.

"No. I have somewhere to be," she said indignantly.

"Jess, come on. It's lunch break. Where do you need to go?"

"For lunch."

"Fine, I'll join you," he said.

"No. I'm going to lunch with um, some work buddies…" she lied.

Nick quirked a brow and looked around her. "Hm, interesting. Your "work buddies" need to teach me that invisibility trick."

She frowned, annoyed at herself.

"Just get in the car, Jess," he sighed.

"No."

"Get in the car, Jessica!"

"Nu-uh!"

"Jess!" he exclaimed, this time punctuating it with a honk.

She jumped, startled. "Nick, why-"

"You _know_ why!"

"I don't want-"

"Ha, I figured as much," he snorted.

"Then-"

"Get. In. The. Car. Jessica," he said, the patience obviously waning.

She looked him straight in the eye. "No, Nicholas."

He ran his hands through his hair, and Jess heard the click of the door as it opened and he stepped out. As he took a step towards her, she took one back.

"Stop making a scene on the road, Jessica."

" _You_ stop making a scene on the road, Nicholas."

Sighing exasperatedly, he took a bigger step towards her and this time, she didn't take one back; only glared back at him defiantly.

"I just want to talk, Jess."

"Yes, well. _I don't want to_ , Nick," she said.

His hand hesitantly took hers. "Why not? Please, talk to me. I hate it when you shut me out."

_So, now you care. Without Reagan around, starting to actually look around, are you?_

The words were almost out when she bit back from saying that. She didn't _believe_ that, but it hurt that he only made an effort to talk to her after Reagan was gone. She couldn't just forget the radio silence when he'd been in New Orleans, or how almost all their conversations after that had been about Reagan.

She swallowed and looked up at him, and his hand holding hers. His thumb was now rubbing circles on her hand.

_I've come so far._

"Fine," she muttered, pulling her hand away from his grasp and walking to the passengers' side.

Mildly relieved, he walked to the drivers' seat and sat down, before looking at her, slumped in her seat.

"So, er, where to?"

"There's a cafe down the corner of the road. You passed it on your way here."

Five minutes later, they were seated in the cafe. The cafe had baby blue interiors with white furniture and white lace curtains. Each table had a singular, white rose kept in a small tubular glass vase. Nick could see why Jess liked this place.

As they took a seat by a glass wall overlooking the road, a redheaded woman who appeared to be in her forties approached them. "Heya, Jess!"

"Hey, Gina!" said Jess, smiling at her.

"No Cece today?"

"Nope, just me."

"How's the baby?" she asked, having not yet spotted

"Quite good, actually!" said Jess and the two ladies began to discuss Cece, the pregnancy and how Schmidt was handling it, as Nick grew increasingly uncomfortable.

"He feels insulted every time she vomits," laughed Jess.

He noticed that Jess was making no effort to cut the conversation, and they hardly had half an hour before her lunch break was up.

_She's stalling._

"Ah, when the cravings kick in, he'll do fine," said Gina.

Finally, Nick cleared his throat as he pretended to leaf through the menu. Gina finally looked at Nick, then back at Jess. "This the Mark told me about?"

Jess laughed nervously. "No, Gina. This is Nick."

Gina raised her brows. "Oh, Roomfriend Nick?" she said, saying his name like he knew who he was, and Jess simply nodded.

"Jess is one of the frequents," explained Gina, "She'd come here often after Cecelia got married, dropping by even in the evenings sometimes to keep me company."

Nick looked at Jess, brows raised.

_How had I never noticed?_

Gina continued. "Stayed as late as she could, this one. You'd almost think she didn't _like_ going home."

Nick's eyes never left Jess, who was now staring uncomfortably at her hands in her lap.

"Anyways, what'd you guys want? Jess, the usual?"

"Yep."

"Nick?"

"Uhh, I don't know, I'm so confused, I-"

Jess cut him off. "He'll have the cheeseburger with extra cheese and fries on the side. And iced coffee."

Then she looked at Nick. "That alright?"

He stared at her. "Yeah. Actually, that's perfect."

"Great then, we're set. Thanks, Gina!" she said, as Gina nodded at them and walked away to place their order.

When Nick said, nothing, Jess tried to prompt him. "So…? _"_

 _"_ What?" he asked.

She leaned forward. "Nick, you said you wanted to talk."

His hand went to the back of his neck, and he frowned as he rubbed it.

_I forgot to decide how to start this._

Jess continued to look at him, a careful mask on her face. He couldn't tell what she was thinking and that bothered him. It had been bothering him for a while now. She used to be so easy to read.

He decided to start with what he'd been saying last night, and as he began he could see that her hands were twitching.

"I was saying last night that I know what Sam-"

He leaned forward and caught Jess' arms midway in their journey towards her ears.

"Jess, come on. You gotta listen to me," he pleaded.

She said nothing but squirmed under his grip, and he sighed when he heard her humming softly.

"Jess, please. I'm really trying here."

Finally, she sighed in resignation and relaxed her arms under his grip and he slowly let go and sank back down in his seat. Inhaling deeply, he said, "The other night you told me that before Sam left, he said that you were in love with… me."

Jess only nodded once, and Nick's eyes darted to her hands, which were extremely restless. Her feet were tapping too, and he realised that Jess was trying very hard not to bolt. Running his hands through his hair, he continued. "Is it true?"

Her eyes chanced a look at him, and he saw her swallow nervously, and her eyes went back to the floor.

_She's going to lie._

But then, she looked at him with a peculiar blend of defeat and determination. She nodded only once, curtly. His heart caught in his throat.

_Okay, we're getting somewhere._

Right at that moment, Gina approached with their order and paused behind Nick as she caught Jess' eye and realized that they were in the middle of something Jess really didn't want to be in. Gina looked at her questioningly - _Do you need to scram? -_ but as tempted as Jess was to take her up on her offer, she gave a nearly imperceptible shake of her head in refusal. Gina nodded and finally approached them and place their order on their table. "Here you go!"

"Thanks, Gina!" said Jess softly, as Nick gave her a nod and a smile.

"Anytime, honey," said Gina, smiling and walked away, before throwing another concerned look at Jess.

Nick turned to look back at Jess, who was playing with the straw in her iced tea. A grilled tomato cheese sandwich sat on her plate. She picked it up slowly and started to nibble at it, and turned to look Nick.

"Jess, I'm so sorry," he said quietly.

Chewing, she asked him, the perplexion written on her face. "What? Why?"

"I'm sorry that I was so oblivious. I'm sorry that I hurt you so much, and worst of all, I didn't even realize it."

She swallowed slowly, painfully. "I- I don't know what you're talking about, Nick. Whatever it is, don't worry about it," she said, trying to wave it off.

"And with what Sam said being true, it must have-"

"Nick, just... forget about it, okay?" she said, starting to feel uncomfortable.

"Jess, no. This has to be said. I was being an insensitive jerk. It wasn't right of me to ask you to get involved with Reagan and if I had just known... I hurt you so much that you left, Jess. _And all that time, I had no idea_."

"I don't what you're on about, Nick. It's nothing. And-"

"Oh? Then, Portland. Why'd you leave?" he asked, taking a bite of his burger.

She froze and kept her eyes on the salt shaker. "We've been over this, Nick. Dad was sick and I'd said-"

He cut her off. "Yes, yes, we have. But you'd yelled at me about too many questions and said something quite strange actually, about how things seem to matter but they don't really."

_"YOU THINK IT MATTERS RIGHT NOW, NICK. A LOT OF THINGS SEEM TO MATTER WHEN THEY ACTUALLY DON'T! Like white picket fences, children's names, an-and houses by the lake or like, living on Mars."_

She looked at him with a guarded expression, setting her sandwich down on the plate. "Yes, I remember what I said."

"So you think those things don't matter anymore?"

She nodded once.

"Jess, do you regret that we... that..."

_Oh, what the hell._

Jess breathed in deeply, trying to calm her nerves, resisting the urge to slap her ears shut and break into song. "Yes, Nick. In hindsight, I regret that we called it."

Nick inhaled sharply. "Why didn't you tell me?"

Her eyes flared in annoyance. " _Tell_ you? Tell you what? "Nick, I wish we hadn't broken up"? And then what? It'd be so awkward Nick, we were moving on! Clearly, _you_ were. I _thought_ I was, but the guy up there just hates me 'cause _Sam_ just _had_ to drop that freakin' bomb and..."

She fell quiet, realizing what she had just said. She knew the conversation was headed this way anyway, but she didn't think it'd take this turn this quick. She picked her sandwich back again and started to take bigger bites, chewing quickly.

"Jess," he said carefully, "I wish you'd told me."

Jess grunted as she took another bite. "Yeah? And why is that?"

Nick inhaled deeply, and as Jess looked into his eyes, she knew what he was going to say and she didn't want to hear it.

"Jessica, I'm still in-"

"No," she said cut him off softly, "Don't say it, Nick."

Nick looked at her, wide-eyed and thoroughly confused. Jess looked at his face and sighed. She reached across the table and held his hands. "Nick, those words are not something to just throw around. I know you think you hurt me, but I'm a big girl, I can deal with it. You don't have to feel obliged to say that to me. I know you love me, but I also know that you don't love me _that_ way."

Her eyes had filled with tears and she gave him a watery smile. "I'm your dude."

He looked at her completely befuddled. _What was happening?!_

"What? _Dude?_ I don't understand, but Jess I mean it, I do! I-"

She cut him off again. "Nick, no. I just... I want you to be happy, Nick. But I know you don't love me. You think you do because _now you know_ everything."

"Jess! That's not what this is about!" he pleaded, trying to get her to understand. _He needed her to understand._

She put the last piece of her sandwich in her mouth and gulped it down. "Look, I have to go. Think about what I said for a while, okay? You will see what I mean," she said, giving him a sad smile and grabbing her bag and hurriedly heading towards the door.

"Jess, wait!" he called but she was out the door and hurriedly crossing the street by the time he got to the door himself. He wanted to chase after, but what would he say? What could he even do to convince her?

He stood there perplexed, hands rubbing the back of his neck as he watched her retreating figure, feeling rising despair and frustration.

As Jess walked away from, she could feel his eyes on her and felt the tears pricking her eyes. She wanted it to be true, but she couldn't be sure, and if she couldn't be sure, she would just end up hurt. She simply didn't have it in her to go through that pain anymore. She'd come this far and she wouldn't throw it all away in a moment of wishful thinking. She wanted to believe him, but she just couldn't take that chance. She didn't want pity or a relationship that would only prove to be an illusion. She'd been wanting to hear those words for quite a while now, but not like this.

She sighed as she finally entered the school building, glad he hadn't followed her in the car.

_Not like this._

 


	16. Of Messarounds and a Broken Mug

Nick lay on his bed, staring at the ceiling.

_"You don't have to feel obliged to say that to me."_

_"I want you to be happy, Nick. But I know you don't love think you do because_ now you know _everything."_

He ran his hands down his face, desperately trying to think of how he could convince her otherwise. The only good thing that had come out of the disastrous afternoon was that at no point had she said that she didn't love him; this gave him some hope that he could still salvage their relationship, that he still stood a chance with her… That they could uncall nearly three years of pain and longing.

As he watched the shadows disappear with the setting sun, he glanced at the clock. Sighing and in no mood to go to work, he swung his legs off the bed and headed to his closet. Putting on a black shirt and blue jeans, he sighed and walked out of his room, hesitating outside of Jess'. The stillness from inside only proved what he already knew; she wasn't home yet. He opened the door softly and stood in the doorway, eyeing the room with a heavy heart. He walked in slowly and sat down on her bed, the familiar butterscotch smell calming him down.

The first time he had ever wanted to be truthful about his feelings, it had backfired so miserably. Maybe it was the universe getting back at him for his obliviousness, and at that thought, he chuckled lightly. What a Jess thing to think…

Sighing, he stood up and reluctantly dragged himself off her bed, and outside, closing the door behind him softly. Almost immediately, he his muscles tensed again and the agitation of what happened that afternoon came rushing back to him. Shaking his head a few times as if the thoughts would miraculously just fall out, he hurried to the front door and stepped out of the loft.

…

As Nick stepped out of the loft, Winston turned appeared with an Ass Strat mug in his hand. Checking around to make sure no one was there, he carefully placed the mug on the kitchen island and walked to Schmidt and called Cece.

"It's in position."

"What if this doesn't work, I mean, he might just tell her that he didn't put it out there," she asked nervously.

Winston scoffed. "This is Nick and Jess we're talking about… Do you really think the conversation would be over at that?

"Well, that's true, I guess. She probably won't buy it."

"They'll at least talk. Jess will at least listen to Nick and not sing with her ears closed," said Winston, shuddering at the memory. "And Nick, he's smart. He'll catch on to what had happened, so he'll play along and get her to listen."

"What if he doesn't Winston," asked Cece, worried.

"Believe me when I tell you that he will jump at any chance to get her to listen to him."

Cece stayed quiet, still unsure.

"Look, Cece, if you were around here more often, you'd see it. He'll do anything to get her back."

Cece sighed in defeat. "Well, alright."

"So, if Jess is still with you, I'd say it's safe to let her come home, now that _it's_ in place…"

"Yeah, she is. She seems very off. Like, very very off. I've been trying to get her to tell me, but… she's not talking to me," she said petulantly.

"Don't worry, partner. It's Jess. She can't keep keeping her feelings to herself," said Winston warmly.

"I hope so. I really hope this works, Winston."

"Me too, girl, me too," he said wistfully. "Now go back to your best friend before she starts getting too suspicious. I gotta get back to my woman."

…

Furguson mewled as Winston stepped out of the loft. He quietly slunk across the loft, looking for something to eat when his eyes fell on a familiar looking mug on the edge of the table. Trotting on all his fours, Furguson headed to the kitchen island, and in a lithe jump, was on top of the table. Peering inside, he meowed when he found no milk. Just to make sure, he stuck his little nose in it, but came up with nothing. He pulled his head out with a jerk when he heard one of the pipes rumbling, propelling the mug forward.

The ceramic hit the hardwood floor and shattered with a resounding crash, drawing Furguson's attention to it again.

_"Meow."_

He peeked over the edge of the table and indifferently jumped off the island towards the balcony, hoping to find some meal, completely indifferent to the havoc the broken mug would wreak.

…

As Jess waited for Cece to finish her phone call, Jess felt a dull ache in her heart.

_Stupid Miller, why does he have to ruin everything._

He should've just left her alone. Why'd he have to come to have lunch with her? She was completely okay with dancing around things the way they'd been.

She knew she'd kissed him, but she was drunk. It was just a drunken stupor, and he hadn't pushed her away because he didn't want to hurt her. Especially not after everything she'd probably said about Sam and Mark. Nick was caring that way. She just wished she could remember the events of that night so she would know exactly what had happened.

_Maybe I should call Abby._

She shook off that thought. Abby had done enough for her over the summer. She was out doing her own thing and she didn't want to drag more Nick-drama into her sister's life. Sighing, she put her head in her hands, trying to block out the thoughts that questioned the way she'd left Nick during lunch.

_No, of course, he couldn't mean it. He's moved on. I should too._

When Cece came back, Jess looked at her and smiled genuinely. Cece sat next to her and Jess placed her head on her shoulder.

"You're the only constant in my life, Cece," she mumbled.

Cece held Jess' hand and squeezed it consolingly, itching to pry more information out of her. Before she could say anything, Jess spoke up. "Hey Cece, why isn't the baby showing yet?

Cece laughed. "I'm only 6 weeks along, silly."

"Ah, right, she nodded," agreed Jess, lifting her head off her shoulder and turning to face her. "Have you and Schmidt thought about whether you want to know the sex of the baby?"

"Schmidt really wants to. But it's only so he can decorate the nursery, and buy the "perfect baby things" accordingly," she said, amused.

"And what about the names? Still Myra or Nikhil?" asked Jess, grinning.

"If it's a girl, I get to choose. So, yep, it'd be Myra. If it's a guy, Schmidt gets to pick. And we switch the next time."

Jess widened her eyes, grinning. "There's going to be a next time?"

"Well, yeah. Both Schmidt and I are the only children. We both decided to give our child a sibling," she said, sheepishly.

"I get to be godmother both times though," replied Jess.

Cece laughed in agreement and Jess joined in. After a while, Jess sighed.

"Hey, what is it?"

She shook her head. "It's just that… I thought I'd be where you are now too, you know? I don't see it happening anytime soon," she sniffled. "What if I get too old. I don't want to die a spinster!"

Cece said nothing and just hugged her. "You'll find someone, Jess. Very soon. I can feel it," said Cece, hoping she was right.

Jess pulled back, wiping her tears and chuckling nervously.

"Jess, what's wrong?" asked Cece again.

"I just told you, I-"

"You know, that's not what I'm talking about," said Cece quietly.

Jess sighed. "I just… had a bad day. Starting with lunch. I really don't want to talk about it now," she mumbled.

Cece nodded, and stood up. "Tea?"

"Always."

…

Jess came home to a quiet loft, quite late in the night. Winston was probably at Aly's and Nick was probably at the bar. Well, good; she wasn't ready to face him yet. Not with all her doubt and dilemma. She sighed, rubbing her head in exasperation. She hated having to tiptoe around in her own house.

_Why must everything be so difficult?_

_I feel like a shower._

She headed to the bathroom for a shower and as she shed her clothes and stood under the warm shower, she felt all her thoughts wash away. She revelled in the blank state of her mind, focusing only the shower's heat; she knew it was temporary, but that would work.

As she stepped out of the shower and wrapped her bathrobe around herself, she fleetingly wondered if she should just move out. Immediately, she let out a nervous chuckle.

_That's just stupid. Can't change my lifestyle because of one stupid roommate._

She shook her head, repeating to herself that this too shall pass. Walking out of the bathroom, she closed the door behind her and decided to revel in the solitude for a while. Deciding to make herself some hot tea (probably her 6th that evening), she walked towards the kitchen, wondering if she should watch some sitcom, and if so, which one.

"Ow!" she squeaked, as a sharp pain shot through her foot. Grumbling she looked down on the floor to see shards of ceramic on the hardwood. She sighed and walked around the kitchen island to get a dusting pan, noticing that her foot was leaving tiny imprints of blood. She sat on the stool and got some tissues, holding them against her sole. It was only a minor cut and the bleeding stopped. She reached for the medicine cabinet and wrapped some gauze around her foot before grabbing the dustpan, she walked towards the pile of ceramic, kneeling down carefully next to them and started to brush the pieces into the pan, trying to figure out which mug had been broken. And then she recognised it.

Her heart clenched in pain, as she sat down on the floor and stared at the pieces. She was angry. Yes, she'd told Nick to think it over, and yes, she'd expected his stance to change. But this was a harsh way of letting her know.

"The coward!" she muttered, voice shaking.

She closed her eyes and took deep breaths. It was over now, at least there was no ambiguity. It was well and truly over. She felt her anger subside, replaced with defeat.

_He doesn't owe me anything._

Kneeling back again, she simply cleared the floor with a resigned sigh. Wiping off the blood stains with some water and tissue, she trashed that too.

_Maybe I should use some bleach._

She shook her head, simply not in the mood.

_All I want right now is tea._

Making herself a cup, she dragged herself to the couch and turned on the TV. She flipped through channels until she found one airing a sitcom. She stared unseeingly at it, as she fell on the couch, sipping her tea slowly.

…

When Nick came home to the sound of the television playing. He placed his keys in the bowl and walked towards the kitchen to grab a bottle of water, eyes on the couch. As he stood in the kitchen, he could make out a mug on the coffee table, and the top of Jess' head on the armrest. She'd probably not heard him come in.

He finished an entire bottle, and flung it towards the trash can and missed. Rolling his eyes at himself, he walked towards the bottle and lifted it off the floor. As he was about to throw away the bottle, he noticed the pieces. A closer look told him what it was, and his throat went dry. His eyes flickered to Jess' sleeping form, as he felt a dull ache in his heart.

_Was this it?_


	17. Of Finding Wonderland

When Winston came home the next morning, he was surprised to see Jess asleep on the couch, with the TV still on. He observed that her foot was wrapped in a bandage. Perplexed, he walked to Nick's room and when he tried to open the door, he found that it was locked.

_Nick never locks his room._

His eyes flickered to the kitchen island, and he noted the missing mug. Apprehension began to fill him as he stood in the hallway, suddenly at a loss of what to do, wondering what had happened. Honestly, he'd half expected to come back to the sounds of pleasure, and the silence unnerved him. Briefly, he considered calling Cece, but he decided to wait until at least one of them woke up, and quietly went into the living area to turn the TV off.

…

Jess woke up to the feeling of sweat in the crook of her neck. Groaning, she rubbed her eyes and sat up, blinking at the light that filled the room. After a few muddled thoughts, her eyes fell on the gauze wrapped around her foot, and the image of the broken mug came back to her. Her head fell back against the couch and she sighed.

_Maybe I should move out._

She frowned at the though, before deciding that she wouldn't run away. Fine, he'd moved on. So what? Hadn't she been dealing with that for nearly an year now? Why was it coming as a surprise?

He's moved on, and that's alright. It has to be.

_…_

Nick hadn't been able to fall asleep that night. He stayed awake as sunlight filled his room, keeping an ear out to listen to Jess walk back into her room. She hadn't. He presumed she'd slept on the couch the whole night, and wondered when she'd go to her room. He couldn't face her, not after such a brutal rejection. He didn't know how to be around her anymore. He didn't know if he could be.

He didn't want to cut away from her, but he didn't if he could keep up the charade of being okay with having her as his friend.

_But is that not better than not having her around at all?_

_…_

When Winston walked out of his room to get some coffee, he saw that Jess was awake, still sat on the couch.

"Good morning, Jess," he said casually, trying to keep the question out of his voice.

"Hey, Winston," she said, voice still rough from having just woken up.

"Tea?" he asked, as he headed to the kitchen.

"Yes, please."

Setting the water for boil, Winston watched her as she rested her against the back of the sofa, staring at the ceiling. He picked the cranberry and apple tea from her box, and prepared the tea. Adding a spoonful of honey and grabbing himself a cup of coffee, he headed to the living area. On his way, he dropped the used tea bag in the dustbin and his heart sank at the sight of the broken pieces of the mug.

_Oh god._

Handing the mug to Jess, he excused himself for a moment and headed to his room to call Cece, as Jess stayed oblivious to his tension in her attempt to acquaint herself with the ceiling.

She pondered over how to react, and wondered if she should just maybe pretend like nothing had happened. The idea felt so appealing. He's moved on, so she could just go on pretending to unaffected by it. Because _he's_ moved on, and the only thing that would make things difficult would be her reaction to it. All she had to do was be okay with it.

She'd done that for a few weeks, so why not now…

…

"Cece, we have a situation."

Groan. "What did you do?"

"Nothing, Cece. I'd literally placed the mug on the counter, and that was it."

"And…?"

"Nick's locked himself up in his room, and Jess is unusually quiet and still on the couch… I think she fell asleep here, and er-"

"Winston…..?"

"I… I saw the sex mug in the trash can. It was broken."

Gasp. "What! That's not good, Winston. That's not good."

"You think! What should we do…"

Deep breath. "Nothing, right now. We need to know what happened first."

"Alright, Nick won't talk, you know so-"

"Yeah, yeah, I'll see if I can talk to Jess about it."

…

When Winston went back to the living room, Jess was gone and Nick stood in the kitchen, slowly stirring a spoon in his mug of coffee.

"Hey, Nick. 'Morning."

Nick nodded his greeting and said nothing.

"What plans for today?"

Nick shrugged, placing the spoon in the sink. "Nothing. I'm going to sulk all day and then go to the bar."

"Sounds normal," said Winston, taking a seat at the island. He debated whether or not to broach the subject of that broken mug, but he wasn't quite sure how to. Deciding to just let it go for the time being, he indulged in some mindless chatter despite Nick's obvious disinterest, until it was time to leave.

"Well, I'll see you tonight at the bar, Nick," said Winston, before heading out for work.

"See ya."

A few moments after Winston left, Nick froze when he heard Jess' door open. He sat still at the island, and saw her walk into the hallway in a baby blue bathrobe. He noticed she was limping just a little bit, and his eyes darted to her feet, one of which was wrapped in gauze. When he looked back up, she had big smile pasted on her face. 'Pasted', because it didn't reach her eyes. Her pallid face, dark bags under the eyes and her eyes herself told a completely different story.

"Heya, Nick. What a great morning, am I right?" she said, walking past him. She opened one of the cupboards and pulled out a pancake mix. "Pancakes?" she asked.

"Huh…"

"I'll take that as a yes," she said, grinning at him, as she emptied the contents of the packet into a bowl.

He watched mutely as she made the pancakes, chattering about how being a principal came with so many other duties that she hadn't imagined. She moved on to the movies she was hoping to catch, adding that they should all go together.

"It's been quite a while since we all spent some together, you know?" she said, setting a plate of pancakes in front of him. She proceeded to pour some maple syrup on his pancakes, before sitting down and digging into hers.

"What happened to your foot, Jess?" he asked quietly, eyes not leaving her face.

Her smile faltered a little, before she collected herself and smiled. "Oh, you know just some broken… crockery."

"Right," he said, as he put a piece of the pancake in his mouth.

They ate silently till Jess finished hers and got up. "Well, I gotta take a shower and head to school. Short day today."

Nick nodded.

"See you in the evening, Nick."

…

Cece's attempts to talk to Jess were utterly useless. Jess didn't even admit to something being off for Cece to be able to pry information about the broken mug out of her. Unfortunately, she didn't seem sad either. She was laughing, smiling, hanging out with everyone without avoiding Nick. It was like nothing had happened.

But not even two days had passed, but everyone could see through it. Her smiles were a little too big, her laughter a little too high pitched with the subtlest undertone of nervousness, and seemed to drink a glass or two more of pink wine than she usually did.

Cece had told Schmidt what'd happened of course, as Winston told Aly. But when Cece tried to get Schmidt to talk to Nick, he refused, saying that their interference might make things worse. Secretly though, Schmidt knew that they wouldn't need to interfere because his best friend would do what was needed.

Schmidt had noticed the initially confused look on Nick's face. His eyes never leaving Jess during a conversation, as he scrutinised her, trying to understand. Schmidt watched the confusion evolve into frustration and restlessness. Nick had started to very conspicuously try to catch Jess' eyes, and almost every single time, grunted in annoyance when Jess tactfully avoided it.

…

It took Nick four days to snap.

He was at the bar and it was nearly closing time when Jess came to him and asked for a glass of pink wine. Her fifth that evening. He could see her eyes had glazed over, and she was unsteady on her feet, shaking slightly.

"I don't think so, Jess. You've had enough for today," he said quietly, leaning over the bar to catch her upper arm as she nearly slipped off the barstool.

She swatted his arm away, frowning a little bit. She stared at the floor for a few seconds before looking back up at him, grinning. "Yessir," she said, in a mock salute.

Shaking his head, he was about to turn away and heard her sigh. It was a very soft one, and she'd put her head on the bar, nestling it in the crook of her elbow. He stared at her, and she stared back at him with her head still on the bar, unblinkingly, in silence.

He thought he saw her eyes tear up a little before she turned and put her forehead on her arm to look at the floor.

"I'm going to close up and I'll be right with you okay?" he muttered and walked to the back of the bar to finalise a few things and came back around to check if everything was in place. As he turned, he saw that Jess was gone. He sighed and rubbed the back of his neck, before hurriedly closing the bar and rushing out, hoping to catch her.

_She is too drunk to go back home by herself._

As he stepped out of the bar, he saw that she was trying to pry the door of her car open, and wasn't able to get the key into the lock. Chuckling despite himself, he went towards her and held his hand out.

"May I?" he asked, clearing his throat.

She jumped up startled, and looked down sheepishly. "Please do. I think I drank a little too much."

"You don't say," he murmured as he opened the car and got into the driver's seat, gesturing for her to sit in the passengers'. When she looked at him indignantly, he said, "You're too drunk to drive."

"Fine," she mumbled but added, "What about your car?"

He shrugged. "I'll just leave it here. I'll get it tomorrow. Guess I'll just hitch a ride with Schmidt or something…"

She nodded once and got into the passenger's seat, and the car's engine revved up as they headed home. Jess leaned forward and played music. Taylor Swift's voice filled the car, and Nick chuckled.

"What?" she asked, turning to him.

"It's literally the same songs as the last… time I was in your car," he said.

"Right… the last time," she said, leaning her head against the window. "Why'd you kiss me that day, Nick?"

He looked at her surprised, and in a fit of mild panic at the unexpectedness of her question, lied. "What, I told you was kidding. There was no kissing. None."

Jess simply nodded, continuing to look at the scenery whizzing past them. Nick stared at the road ahead, knowing that it was now or never, trying to decided how he'd answer the slew of questions that would be sure to follow.

They sat in silence for a few seconds, and when the song changed, he heard Jess inhale sharply.

_Flashing lights and we took a wrong turn and we fell down a rabbit hole_

_You held on tight to me, 'cause nothing's as it seems, I'm spinning out of control_

_Didn't they tell us, don't rush into things_

Jess groaned and put her hand to her face.

"What?" he asked looking at her concerned.

"Nothing," she mumbled.

"I kissed you because I wanted to," he said suddenly, voice very quiet. She looked at him wide-eyed for a brief second, before her eyes darted back to the road, as she frowned.

_Didn't you flash your green eyes at me_

She desperately wanted to ask him why he'd wanted to, but wasn't sure what he had to say.

_Haven't you heard what becomes of curious minds?_

_Didn't it all seem new and exciting,_

Images from their time in Mexico flooded her head, and her head began to hurt. Now was really not the time.

_I felt your arms twisting around me,_

_I should've slept with one eye open at night._

_We found Wonderland,_

_You and I got lost in it_

_We pretended it could last forever._

"Okay, stop the car, Nick," she muttered urgently, starting to feel claustrophobic. "Please?"

Nick pulled up to the side, as Jess flew out, Nick following suit, concerned. He watched her sit on the pavement, and she hugged her knees to herself, rocking slightly.

_I was holding up so well up till now! Damn it, Taylor._

She felt Nick quietly walk up and sit next to her, worry etched on his face. Hesitantly, he reached out and massaged her back in circular patterns, as she breathed heavily, feeling the alcohol wear away. She buried her face in her knees, sitting still for a few seconds. Then, she turned turned her face slightly, cheeks pressed into her knees and looked at him. He held her gaze before finally asking, "What is it?"

"What do you mean?"

"Jess, you just had a panic attack."

"I know, Nick. I was there," she muttered in response.

"Jess…"

"Nick, I'm fine now. Alright?" she looked at him and smiled, once again that smile that was a little too big.

He slid an arm over her shoulders as she started to shiver and felt her tense almost instantly. He tried to pull her closer, but she pulled away, frowning. "What are you doing?"

"You're cold, aren't you?" he asked pointedly.

She tried shrugging his arm away, flustered and confused, as his frustration of last few days stirred nastily in his gut.

"Nick, you don't have to do this, you know," she said quietly.

"Do _what_?"

"Look, I'm fine Nick. You don't have to guilt trip yourself into looking out for me," she said.

"You're fine? Like you've been for the last few days?" he asked, voice dangerously low.

"Yes. I'm good. Peachy, in fact. Life's never been better," she said, looking down.

"Look me in the eye and tell me that," he challenged.

She swallowed and looked up, inhaling deeply, willing her eyes to unfocus so that she wouldn't have to see. "I'm fine, Nick."

"Finally, learnt to lie, have you?" he spat.

She looked at him angrily. "Stop it! Why do you care! I _told_ you that I'm doing fine! And-"

And just like that, Nick felt the thing that had been holding his frustration and worry show on his face, broke.

"For God's sake, Jessica! Stop with that already, will ya? I _do_ care. It's frustrating me that you won't believe me. Why do you find that so difficult to believe!"

"Because you weren't there, Nick. You left. What was I supposed to think? One year… One whole year, you had no clue. And the day I drunkenly said something you, you were suddenly in… you were suddenly confessing things to me, out of the blue! _How am I supposed to believe you?"_ she said, tears starting to form in her eyes and her voice broke.

The truth in her words hurt, but right now, he pushed them away.

" _If you just listened to me_ , you'd know! You'd know that I love you, Jessica Day," he said, and ignoring her gasp, he continued, "I've told you earlier as well that I won't be able to love anyone that way I loved you and-"

"That is _not_ what you said," she said, mumbling at the memory. **_(ref. Ch8)_**

"Pfft, you _know_ what I meant. And I tried to tell you, but you either stick your fingers in your ears and run away, or you walk out on me during lunch when I'm trying to tell you how I feel. Isn't that what you always wanted? And when I do it, you ran away, telling yourself some nonsense story about how I'm doing this out of guilt!"

"Oh, so you're comfortable talking about your feelings, are you?" she said, her voice shaking as tears began to pour down her face. "I did say that. I told you to think it over before you said something you wouldn't be able to walk away from. You _could've_ told me to my face because honestly, I was prepared for what you wanted to say!" she continued.

The anger slowly ebbed away and her voice turned into a whisper. "What I wasn't prepared for was… those broken pieces. That was harsh, even for you, Nick. I don't care that you _can't_ deal with emotional talks, but that was harsh," she said, wiping away her tears.

"What?! ME? I-" he stuttered, outraged. "I saw the pieces in the trash, Jess. It's not _my_ fault that you wanted to prove a point. I didn't even have it with me, so your accusation is baseless!"

"Oh please, Nick. We both know you had it. Don't put this on me," she said, scoffing. "I actually came out that night to pick it back out of the trashcan because I couldn't bear the thought of throwing it away. But imagine my surprise when it was gone! I know you had it, Nick."

"What nonsense, I'd gone back out that night too. To get it back. If you didn't take it, why was is it not in the can!?" he said, eyebrows raised. "I know it was you, Jess. You're the sentimental type."

"Don't lie to me, Nicholas," she said, waving her hand dismissively.

" _You're_ the one lying, Jessica," he retorted.

They both sat in unrelenting angry silence for a while until Nick broke it. "Look, I don't know what the situation with those pieces are or how it happened. It might be another Ass Strat mug for all we know but-"

"Fine, that might be so," she said, cutting him off. "But that means _you_ still have it. Admit it, Nick."

"What, no, Jess! I don't have it!"

She narrowed his eyes at him dangerously in scrutiny, before realising that he was telling the truth. "You really don't, do you?"

"Why do you sound so surprised, it's with _you_!"

"Nick, I don't have it. I wish I did, but I don't!" she said, staring at him.

They looked at each other in confusion for a few moments, before looking away and trying to put things together.

Nick shot a glance at her as she stared into space, frowning. He realised the mug didn't matter and all he needed right now was to convince her. He reached into his pocket, hesitantly pulling out the familiar, cold, object. He twirled it between his fingers, and turned to Jess. "Jess?"

"Hmm?" she asked, looking at him distractedly.

He caught her and hand as she looked at him quizzically, only resisting slightly. He pried open her fingers and placed the small piece of metal in her palm, and closed her fingers around it.

"I do love you, Jess," he said earnestly.

She opened her palm and gasped at the sight of the coin. "Is this-"

"Yeah."

"How do I know this is not another coin?" she asked him suspiciously.

He rolled his eyes, and feeling defeated, stood up. "We should go," he muttered.

Jess jumped to her feet, and grabbed his hand. "Wait, Nick, sorry. I'm sorry. I find it difficult to believe that you kept the coin with you… after all this time."

"God, woman. Can you please keep that disbelief out of your voice."

She stared at him, at a loss of what to say. "I just…I'm afraid that we…" she trailed away.

"I know," he said quietly. "But I don't see a future with anyone else, Jess. I've tried to move on and…"

"So have I…" she whispered.

"…I'm sorry I hurt you this last year. If I'd just known… I would've…" he trailed away, unable to get any words out, before inhaling deeply. This had to be done. "I thought it was over, Jess. I didn't think there was ever a chance again. I didn't want to look down this road again only to see a dead end. I thought it was done."

"Me too," she said softly. "You seemed happy with Reagan and I-"

He groaned at the mention of her name. "God, I'm sorry about that too. What was I thinking! I was such an idiot. You were holding our relationship together, Jess. I can't imagine how that must've felt like, because if I had to do something like that… It would kill me."

She said nothing, only looking at him with a mixture of awe and disbelief.

"Jess, I love you," he said again, breathing deeply. "I want everything with you, and I don't care if it's a horse or a-"

He was cut off as she stood on her tiptoes and kissed him, her arms circling his neck as his hands went around her waist. They kissed like it was their first, like their lives depended on it.

Maybe they did.

Nick felt faint at the familiar feeling of her lips against him, as he pulled her closer into him, revelling in how perfectly she fit into him. His eyes started to burn as he felt a tear escape at the thought of how close he'd been to losing her. He could feel the dampness on her cheeks as well, and they finally pulled back, breathless. He leaned in for another small kiss, pecking her lips and then her forehead, before pulling her into a crushing hug as she cried into his chest.

"I love you too," she whispered, as her tears subsided and she felt all the pent up anguish drain from her.

He kissed the top of her head, before pulling away, both their faces breaking into a soft smile.

"Let's go home, Miller," she said softly.

He nodded, and walked towards the car, their hands intertwined. They sat in the car, both of them smiling stupidly. They sat with their hands intertwined in his lap and he kissed her again, needing every second the reassurance that this was real. As he revved the engine, music filled the car again, as they drove towards the loft.

_We found wonderland,_

_You and I were lost in it,_

_And life was never worse or never better._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did I mention I love Taylor Swift? :')

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was inspired by Taylor Swift's 'Wonderland' from 1989. Many references to the song!


End file.
